Written by Tim Hoffman Saturday, 26 June 2010 10:42
After a disappointing loss to Ghana in the round of 16 at the World Cup, an infuriated United States immediately declared war on the country that ousted them 2-1 in extra time.
"America was so close to getting into soccer," said President Barack Obama. "After that exciting last minute win over Algeria we were all in Landon Donovan and...that goalkeeper guy that wears the different shirt. We almost knew two soccer players names at one time! But then Ghana comes in an destroys that dream. They will pay for this, our army will make sure of that!"
But the military action may prove more difficult than originally thought, as no one seems to know where the country of Ghana is on a map, nor had they heard of it before this World Cup. Senior Pentagon officials subpoenaed game prep documents from the soccer game's announcers and were able to surmise it's in Africa, but it will take some time to pinpoint the exact location for an invasion.
"I don't know where this country is, but we're gonna just take the navy over there, and drive around until we find it," said one General who asked to remain nameless. "I'm sure there will be a sign or something in the ocean telling us where it is. Once we find them, we're gonna lay the hammer down with the full power of our military might!"
"I tried to get the President to authorize me to finish the job Bush started in destroying New Orleans, after they beat my Jets in the Super Bowl, but he wouldn't allow it. I'm glad he's finally come around to realize sports revenge is a necessity. They may have beat us in a soccer game, but we'll see who still has a country not in smoldering ruins come next week..."