Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 04 May 2009 17:08
Horses all around the country once again held their annual celebration of being faster than humans at the Kentucky Derby on Sunday. The event, which many humans consider to be an insulting party thrown by the equines, proved once again that they are indeed the better species at running around a dirt track.
"These bastards just can't help rubbing it in our faces that they are the better species," said longtime human Marshall Gilbert. "We are so much faster than you, we can digest grass and hay, and hooves are so much better than feet. I'm tired of hearing about it. It's bad enough they are taking all our jobs, they don't have to do something like this to relish their dominance every year."
Indeed, the horseism has spread all over the country in these tough economic times. After American car companies laid off a large portion of their workers over the past decade in favor of horse laborers, many speculate that it led to a direct decline in the quality of their products. One horse spokesman said "In no way would we be deliberately sabotaging the quality of a product that itself made horses obsolete over 100 years ago...No...We would never do something like that..."
Over 140,000 people attended this year's 135rd Kentucky Derby, to watch and appease the race that may one day be our animal overlords. As is tradition, each horse participating in the race strapped a small puny human to his back, as proof that they could not possibly complete the course on their own feet. They are also forced to wear ridiculous pastel and neon colored outfits to further embarass them, while the horses are allowed to go naked.
"Look, I think we all know Americans are probably ready now to elect a horse as President," said Gilbert. "Once that happens, we're going to see a lot of anti-human laws go into effect. So, we better just start sucking up to them now."