Saturday Dec 16
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Bracketologists Hit Hard By Layoffs This Week


With the Final Four taking place this weekend in Detroit, the need for licensed bracketologists is coming to an end. The industry is set to see massive layoffs following the conclusion of March Madness, which will add further to the economic problems facing the country and the hometown of American automobiles. The bracketology industry is notoriously volatile, but this year could be one of the worst on record.

"I have doctorate degrees from Princeton in both bracket physics and seeding psychology, and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to find a job come April," said Dr. Owen Richards, a practicing bracketologist. "People come to me all the time needing help picking what that cinderella team is going to be that captures the imagination of the entire nation, before being crushed two days later in the second round. If I can't make a living, who is going to be there next year to tell them what to do?"

"You're going to have dangerous unregulated predictions being made by secretaries who picked Louisville to win it all, because their mascot are pretty birds. That's street bracketology, and it's dangerous. If you had gone with her prediction, you would have messed up in the Elite Eight. A lot of people say that kind of advice works just about as often as our professional picks, but I say it's just luck. If you give a secretary a pair of scissors and a three hole punch and send her into an operating room, there is a chance she'll be able to perform a successful open heart surgery. But you'll have better luck with a real surgeon, and fewer binder holes in your aorta."

But bracketologists like Dr. Richards are not the first casualty of the bad economy. People saw their health insurance companies no longer cover bracketologist visits this year, as they had in the past. Hard working men and women were forced to pay as much as 20 dollars for guesses on how teams were going to do.

"I brought my bracket from last year into my family doctor," said college basketball fan Dan Berger." He took one look at it and said I needed a specialist's help as soon as possible. He told me I had a serious medical condition called dumbass' bracket. He said that if left untreated it could lead to my losing 10 bucks every year in my office pool. He referred me to a bracketologist who he had used in the past to keep him away from picking Pac-10 teams. But then the insurance wouldn't even cover it. It's a tragedy."

The layoffs have already begun, with some bracketologists trying to re-integrate themselves at home. Dr. Matt Hedge, a former bracket expert with 6 children, said he attempted to feed the kids and make sure they got off to school safely while his wife was at work, but ended up just making a bracket ranking them on who was his favorite. Cinderella story Bobby won in an upset over Rebecca in the final after Matt remembered that Bobby "wasn't so god damn loud as the rest of them".
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