Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 12 July 2010 15:11
Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands vowed on Monday that her land would not be embarrassed anymore by cephalopods, after a psychic octopus correctly picked Spain over the Netherlands in the World Cup final. She immediately announced open season on the fishing and hunting of octopus in the surrounding waters.
"This is the last time we are humiliated by an octopus!" said the Queen. "The time our country elected someone's pet squid as Prime Minister back in the 90s was rather bad, but this takes the cake. Yes, letting Oily the Squid run our country for 4 years wasn't the best decision we made as a nation, but it only resulted in massive unemployment, debt, and a conversion to a fish based economy. But this is the World Cup!"
Common people around the country have begun heading to the seas to hunt these creatures to extinction. The government is now providing a subsidy on any octopi harvested over the next few weeks. They have even applied to have the psychic octopus extradited to the Netherlands to stand trial for "being a dick", apparently a crime in the land of the Dutch.
The Queen has also said that all octopi with a license in psychic practices are no longer allowed to do business in her country. It's unknown how many business that truly affects, but estimates put fish psychology industry at 12% of the Dutch economy.
"They will be made an example of," continued the Queen. "That you can not just lazily sit in a fishtank all day and decide the fate of entire nations! I will not be satisfied until I am dining on an octopus, cooked in a pot made of hardened octopus skin, being served to me by a waiter wearing shoes made of tentacles, while sitting upon a chair upholstered in octopi leather."