Monday Dec 18
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Detroit Quickly Tries To Move Back Outfield Wall In Anticipation Of Dontrelle's Return

With Dontrelle Willis slated to make his first start of the season, after suffering through a "personality disorder" for the first part of the season, officials in Detroit are struggling to complete construction on their stadium. The emergency repair work, which will push the outfield walls back another 50 feet, was begun last night as soon as their game against the Twins finished.

"We know we have one chance to not lose this game by giving up 10 homeruns, and that's to move these walls back," said owner Mike Ilitch. "We all saw how bad Dontrelle was last season. He gave up so many runs we still haven't been able to compute what his ERA was, there were just too many to count."

After a 2-6 loss to the Twins, contruction workers immediately brought in cranes and dumptrucks to try to get a new wall built in time for the 8:10 arrival of Willis to the ballpark.

"We are doing this for the team, this city," said construction foreman Mike Harris, head of the project. "If we want to give these boys a chance with Dontrelle on the mound, we've got to finish this project by 8:10 sharp. The MLB offices say we need a complete wall around the field in order to start the game. So that is our mission. We have also advised no one to park in the outfield parking lot tonight, as even with the extended field, he's still going to allow some to be hit out of the ballpark. We don't want any destroyed cars out there."

Last season during Willis' last start at Comerica Park, so many homeruns were allowed to leave the stadium, the mayor believed the city was under attack. He almost phoned for the National Guard to be deployed to stop what he believed was a full-scale assault by a rogue sporting goods store. But he was informed by his advisors that was perhaps the dumbest scenario anyone had ever thought up, and that it was merely Dontrelle on the mound.

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The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.