Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 20 April 2009 20:06
The United States was given something to cheer about today as an American runner actually finished the Boston marathon. Mitch Malone took home somethingth place in the contest. People were counting at one point, but they lost interest after the first several hundred people crossed the finish line. Malone made a statement to all the other countries from Africa and South American that traditionally dominate this contest that maybe the Americans are poised for a comeback in the sport of running.
Malone's journey was an exhausting one, as he started off strong in the pack of early race leaders. But after about an hour he found himself a little thirsty, so he stopped in a Starbucks to grab a mocha caramel frappuchino, the low-cal variety since he likes to watch his figure during a race. Things slowed down for him though, when they added a little too much caramel syrup, and he had to send it back 3 times to have them do over again. This costed him precious time, but they added extra whipped cream on top, so he overlooked the delays.
After that he continued on his epic run for a bit, before realizing he was passing his mother's house. He stopped in there for a bit to get a piece of pie, and watch a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond that happened to be on TBS. The hilariously awkward situation Raymon was able to get out of with his parents inspired Malone to take a quick poop and then continue on his journey.
He then entered what is known as death row for the American runners, a street containing no less than 20 fast food restaurants. KFC, McDonalds, Burger King, they were all passing Malone as he jogged on by them, struggling to fight the urge to super size the growing hunger in his stomach. But he remained vigilant and made the choice one of the superior Kenyan runners would probably have made, if they were overweight and had the short attention span of an American, he grabbed a bratwurst from a street vendor.
But as he polished off the sausage in a full sprint towards the finish line, the Americans watching at home cheered on this valiant man. As he crossed the line with a time just under 10 hours, he held an American flag high in the air to celebrate his accomplishment.
When asked what he will do now, Malone said he's going to Disney Land...where he will pretend he has a foot injury so he can ride in a wheelchair all day because he doesn't know if he even wants to try walking again.