Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 06 April 2009 15:27
After coaches from USC, Xavier, and seemingly everyone turned down the head coaching position with the Arizona Wildcats last week, officials from the school made a last ditch offer to you to take over the prestigious program. They were most impressed by your ability to yell at the TV, regardless of who is playing, and tell them exactly what they should have done, 5 seconds after they do the wrong thing.
"That kind of coaching moxy is exactly what we need at Arizona," said school president Rich McDougle. "We also like that you picked us to get out of the first round on your bracket, and you spend most of your time at work bashing players on internet message boards. It shows you really know personnel in college basketball."
McDougle offered you a $2 million per year deal for eight years. But, after thinking it over and weighing the options with your family, you decided to decline the position and stay at your job as a data entry specialist for a pharmaceuticals company.
"After carefully thinking about the opportunity presented to me by the great University of Arizona, I will have to respectfully decline the position," you said in a statement from your posh one bedroom apartment. "I just think I need to stay where I'm at right now. I've put a lot into this current job, and I need to see it through. I made promises to Bob and Sam in accounting that I would be there for them, and I'm not going to break those promises.
"There's also the issue of money," you continued. "When you make $2 million per year, you're looking at a whole lot of taxes. I'm going to stay at the $35k I'm currently making and not have to pay all those crazy taxes. Also my wife would probably be out spending whatever I make over that $35k. Plus they told me I wouldn't be able to browse the internet all day at the office, and I'd be spending most of my time in a gym. That's just not something I can commit to. I've never stepped foot in a gym except for this one time I was lost and thought it was one of those wing restaurants where the girls wear sports bras and spandex. I was so frightened when they tried to get me to come on a treadmill."
Your wife was said to be disappointed in the decision and was quoted as saying "I'm going to kill that son of a bitch."