Written by Tim Hoffman Thursday, 15 July 2010 18:26
The NCAA announced today that the North Carolina Tar Heels football program is being put under review after it was realized that the Heels somehow had 8-5 record each of the past two seasons.
This discovery happened today when college officials were looking at the books from last season to decide early season schedules.
The schedule maker immediately phoned his boss, and asked if he remembered anything about North Carolina actually not sucking at football. His boss responded that he sort of remembered hearing that once or twice on ESPN, but because it wasn't February or March and it was North Carolina, he didn't really pay attention.
"Obviously there has been cheating of some kind," said the head of NCAA's investigations committee. "Schools like North Carolina just don't win football games. Look at Duke's recent records: 1-11, 4-8, 5-7. That is a school playing by the rules! 8-5 two years in a row? Bowl appearances? This thing stinks to high heaven!"
Some theories accounting for North Carolina's "success" include normal accusations like illegal recruiting or academic cheating to more outlandish theories like changing record books, time travel, and erasing everyone's memories with those Men in Black pens.
"We are not leaving any stone unturned on this investigation, I can promise you that!" said the spokesman. "We've already contacted Michael J. Fox to find out everything he knows about going back in time to help your sports team win games they aren't supposed to. We have also contacted the writers of Star Trek to see if wormholes might be involved. We have lots of theories, and I'm sure one of them is going to be proven true."
Time travel or wormhole violations have no precedent in college football, but it's believed these games could be forfeited until North Carolina has the three or four wins that everyone thinks they should have.
USC has contacted the NCAA to see if they could have some of those wins given back to them.