Saturday Dec 16
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Sausage Signs With Miami Heat, Infuriating Brewers Owner

Another piece of the latest NBA superteam was revealed today down in South Beach. The Miami Heat announced today that they had signed the Milwaukee Brewers Kielbasa to a 4 year dear at the league minimum. It's being seen as a major coup for Miami to get such a strong player at a cheap price, but the Kielbasa's agent said his client took the deal because of the chance to win an NBA championship.

For those who haven't been following the Brewers regular sausage races during home games, the Kielbasa has soundly dominated the competition this year, to the tune of the best record in the open sausage race era. There was a lot of speculation on if he would resign with Milwaukee or field offers from teams like Washington who wanted him to race dead ex-presidents. But he surprised everyone and even switched sports to basketball.

"This is a move I make with a heavy heart," said the anthropomorphic frankfurter. "This city and this team has been very good to me, but I just saw a great opportunity to win a championship down in Miami, and had to jump at it."

Mark Attanasio, owner of the Brewers, wrote a scathing letter to season ticket holders, talking about the betrayal of their franchise sausage.

"This is a day that will forever be remembered as the day Milwaukee's biggest star turned his back on us all. I can not believe that our best player would just leave like this. Obviously, by the product that's out there on the field, no one is coming to see our guys play baseball. They are here to see sausages race. Children are going to be crying in the stands when they realize all they have to look at now is a Chorizo..."

Indeed, things don't bode well for the remaining sausage roster in Milwaukee. Aside from the aforementioned Chorizo they have a Hot Dog, Italian Sausage, and Bratwurst, all minimum salary players who the franchise brought in to surround and support the play of the Kielbasa. ESPN 2's Sausage Tonight took a look at the ramifications of the trade, and said this could be a move that hurts Milwaukee for years to come, as well as virtually assures they will not make the sausage playoffs anytime soon.

Heat president Pat Riley said that the signing gives them the last piece of their puzzle. 

"We had a point guard to run this team in Dwyane Wade, we had a shooter in LeBron James, and we had a big in Chris Bosh. Everyone knows the only other thing you need to win a championship in this league is a strong sausage to fill out your roster. This team just became 50% better, and 200% more delicious."

The Los Angeles Lakers' Beer Brat says Pat Riley's formula is obviously true, and he looks forward to facing Kielbasa in next year's NBA Finals.



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Picture Of The Day


The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.