Wednesday Feb 21
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Albert Haynesworth Says He Did Not Eat Mike Shanahan Last Night

Albert Haynesworth announced today that he has finally passed the Washington Redskins conditioning test that has held him back from beginning training camp with his team. It was reported over the past two days that Haynesworth was not able to run consecutive 100 yard sprints, and Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan was very displeased.

But the third time appears to be the charm for the pro bowl defensive lineman, as he announced in a press conference he had been passed on the test shortly before dinner time last night. This happened even though he seems to have gained somewhere in the vicinity of 170 pounds in the past 24 hours. But Haynesworth says despite the weight gain he was able to impress the coach into letting him join the rest of the team.

But shortly after this supposed testing and passing grade, Mike Shanahan was pronounced missing by the Washington D.C. police department. He was last seen heading into the dining hall with Haynesworth, presumably about to administer the test.

"I do not know where Coach Shanahan went to," said Haynesworth. "Last thing I knew we were in the dining hall, and he was yelling at me about failing the test, saying he would bet there's nothing I couldn't eat. I told him not to make that bet. More yelling, then I blacked out for a little while. When I woke I was really full and I remembered him telling me I had passed all the tests."

Police interviewed Haynesworth about the disappearance, and a doctor examined him due to a strange 60-year-old man shaped growth that has formed in his belly. But neither was conclusive.

"I just want to say to Mike's family, that they should be proud of him. He was a...delicious man, who taught me that I should really get into shape, because if you don't, you are going to not taste very good should a hypothetical giant eat you later in life. I want to live up to my full potential for any cannibal that may choose to ingest me."

Haynesworth then excused himself, and said he really had to poop.

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The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.