Friday Aug 18
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Transgender Tennis Player Wins Yet Another US Open Due To Lack Of Competition

Michael-Michelle Johnson found itself holding yet another U.S. Open championship cup above its head yesterday in Flushing Meadows. Johnson, who may be the most dominant athlete of any sport in history, claimed a 234th straight intergender tennis title, making even Roger Federer's accomplishments look tame.

While the men's and women's divisions in tennis get most of the press, Johnson has quietly carved out a career for the ages. It has yet to play another actual opponent, spending most of his/her practice time hitting against a wall, but was nonetheless proud of yet another victory. It was a tearful scene on the illustrious court 52, as it got another trophy.

"I want to thank my parents, my coach, and god," said Michael-Michelle after the win. "I also want to say thank you to Finotech for providing me with all the hormonal changing drugs, as well as Doctor George Willborough, for performing many sex changing operations on me. You guys have all made my career what it is today, and  you are the best."

The USTA is looking to rejuvenate the transgender tour by getting some serious American competition trained at their youth centers around the country.

"We have some promising young talent out there," said USTA director Mark Fine. "They are probably not good enough to ever compete on the men's or women's tours, but with a few snips and some drugs, I'm sure they could be in the top ten transgender players in the world. All we need is for their parents to sign a waiver, and we'll shape them into champions."

The move to train youth into the transgender program is a big change of direction for the USTA after they attempt for the past few years to force Serena Williams into the division. That was of course thwarted when she went into the office of then-director James Gault and showed him point blank that she was in fact a woman.

Gault gave a speech a day later, saying that her vagina was quite possibly the scariest thing he had ever seen, and requested doctors remove his eyes so that he could never see something like it again. He then immediately retired from his position, and now lives along in Thailand, the exact other side of the world from Serena Williams, in hopes of never running into her again.



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The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.