Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 28 January 2009 15:32
FSU held a press conference today to announce that they had come to the agreement that they are not going to call the police about the dead rotting carcass of Bobby Bowden that has been laying on their sidelines for the past several years. It was highly speculated that the body of the longtime coach would finally be removed from the field after this season, as many fans in attendance near the FSU bench complained of the smelly corpse flesh. But FSU dismissed those claims as being not the smell of Bobby Bowden's decomposing remains, but the smell of the shitty play on the field.
"Look, when you are playing as bad as we have the past few seasons, your whole stadium is going to smell like shit, that's just the way it is," said FSU Athletic Director Randy Spetman. "We hope that gets better next year. But about the dead body of Bowden, we have hired a new person here to be the official Smellologist for the team, and it will be his job to make sure the body is acceptable before every game. He has already begun treatment on it through a combination of spraying it with Febreeze and rubbing those little air freshener trees all over it. He should smell just like a rose for opening day, or if not a rose, a combination of Citrus Rush and New Car Smell."
The players have said they are happy to have Bowden's lifeless corpse returning for another season.
"A lot of people criticize coach Bowden's corpse for his laid back coaching style," said quarterback Christian Ponder. "But him lying there dead all game, saying nothing, it's just his way of telling us to play a little harder so we don't end up like that. Seeing a deceased guy coach a team these last few years, when he has no business coaching, it really inspires us players and tells us that we can do anything!"
It's unknown what the future holds for Bowden's dead body, but you can expect more of the same lifeless coaching that you've seen the last few years.