Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 12 January 2009 17:14
When viewers attempted to tune their televisions into ESPN last night, they found nothing but a test tone and a picture of Dick Vitale wearing an indian headdress. It turns out the channel was arrested last night in Gainesville, where they were caught by police performing oral sex on Tim Tebow in a parking garage. It was the first time in known history an entire network has been caught in a sex scandal at once.
Details of the incident are still coming out, but apparently ESPN began seeing Tebow romantically shortly after he led the Gators to their second national title in three years. As soon as he led them to a victory, many within the network began to regale him with praise, with talk about how he was the greatest college quarterback of all time. It seemed every show and pundit on the channel was madly in love with Tebow, with many on message boards urging the two to "just get a room already".
But yesterday their love of Tebow was taken a step too far, as the entire network was caught by police with Tebow in several large tour busses in Gainesville. Apparently they had run out of ways to give Tebow praise on each of their shows, and decided to round up all the anchors and drive down to let their tongues do the praising.
"This whole thing is just shameful," said Police Chief Richard Kirkman. "We had 50 or so sports anchors and pundits here, most of them men, and all apparently engaged in acts of oral sex with this young quarterback. Public lewdness and fornication is illegal here, and we intend to see that this entire network does some time."
"Look, sometimes you just get carried away," said analyst Woody Paige. "When a young man throws such a high, tight spiral, and has the running ability of a stout healthy ox...it....it just becomes too much to handle. How can any sports fan not want to put him in their mouth?"
As evidence of the love affair the network has had with Tebow the police confiscated 32 espn.com articles about him being the best college player ever, 26 hours of ESPN radio interviews about his offensive skills being unstoppable, and an awkward video recorded by Michael Wilbon's cellphone that is apparently 13 minutes of Tebow showering. Wilbon denied the cellphone was his, but vowed to find the owner and ask him why he had the phone numbers of his wife, friends, and family in there.
Despite denials by most pundits, Lee Corso declared quite the opposite. "The law can't stand in the way of our love!" said an exasperated Corso. "This guy is so good, so damn good, and you want us to stop all the talk about him being the best player ever? No! I don't remember anyone who has ever impressed us all this much with their game-changing ability, so he deserves it. Well, I do remember a fellow named Reggie Bush who we all loved, but that was so long ago...Oh, and Vince Young, but...oh, and Michael Vick...Well, there has not been anyone like Tim Tebow in at least 2 years, and it is very exciting."