Perhaps the biggest question in the NFL this month is whether or not Brett Favre will return to quarterback the Minnesota Vikings in the upcoming season.
Sports fans across the country have spent the last month being frustrated to death by the constant Favre coverage and have tried everything to get him out of their heads.
Thankfully, the decision has finally been made for Favre as during his meeting with Dr. James Andrews, Favre’s right hand was apparently cut off in some kind of medical accident. The loss of his throwing hand has forced Favre to announce his retirement and he is still trying to figure out how it happened.
“I honestly don’t know how it happened. I don’t actually remember anything from the appointment, just that I woke up in the waiting room with one hand chopped off,” Favre said about the incident.
Favre set up the consultation because his ankle wasn’t healing from the surgery like he anticipated. He used that as the excuse as to why he hadn’t made up his mind yet. However, things were settled for him immediately when he no longer had his throwing hand.
While Favre might not have a clue as to what happened in the consultation, Dr. Andrews was very clear on what happened.
“It wasn’t an accident...I cut it off and couldn’t be more proud. When he came into my office and I looked at his ankle, it was fine. The guy had been faking it so he could pretend he had legitimate reason for not being in camp,” Dr. Andrews said. “He is truly a sociopath. When I saw my opportunity, I put him under and made sure he couldn’t throw a pass ever again.”
It is unclear if Dr. Andrews will be charged with anything for the blatant assault. Regardless, President Obama has come forward and said that he will pardon whatever crimes Andrews is charged with.
“Dr. Andrews has done a great thing for America. Favre has been a pest for everyone and by ending his reign, Andrews has given us an extra 20 minutes for Sports Center to cover real topics,” President Obama proclaimed. “The man is a hero for us all and I will be awarding him the Medal of Honor for his courage.”
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News came out of Detroit this morning that head coach Jim Schwartz has been fired by the Lions after a blowout preseason loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers over the weekend.
"This is it, season over. We suck again..." said team president Tom Lewand. "If there was one time where we were supposed to be able to be competitive, it was the preseason! But no, we can't even avoid being blown out there! This team has a suspended quarterback, and they still put up 27 points on us!"
All remaining coaches on the Lions staff immediately yelled "Not It!" upon hearing the news, in hopes they would not have to take over the team.
Quarterback Matt Stafford said he was surprised by the firing, but was a little more optimistic on the loss.
"Well, I can't say this loss is totally surprising," added Stafford. "Their second string guys played well into the third quarter. Our whole Lions roster is pretty much third and fourth string guys, so until that final quarter we were really dominated. I don't see us winning the next few games either. But maybe that final one, where most teams rest their starters. Maybe we'll have a chance there..."
Many fans were also very angry at the loss, as the preseason games are the only Lions home games that typically sell out. Since seeing them win at home during the regular season is probably impossible, they have one shot left to see that happen.
"I have asked the Buffalo Bills when they come to visit in a few weeks to please just play their practice squad," said Lewand. "Maybe we can beat 5 guys making the league minimum, if we are able to us our full roster. No guarantees, but hopefully we'll be able to get one meaningless win for our fans this year..."
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The Oakland Raiders still could not come to an agreement with their fans today to get them to return this season. This marks week 2 of the holdout by all Raiders fans, who are demanding a new contract that guarantees the team will at least be competitive for at least a month into the season. The fans have said, if an agreement can't be reached, they want to be traded before the season begins to a competitor like the Colts.
"We want assurances that this team will reward us for our efforts," said a representative of the fans. "For years we have come out to games, dressed in ridiculous leather outfits with crazy helmets and spikes. We give 110% out there, and are rewarded with crap like Daunte Culpepper as our best QB of the last 8 years? Unacceptable! We are great fans, and deserve better than these Raiders!"
Team officials said they are trying to come to an agreement with their fanbase, and really wants them to attend training camp.
"Just come and see the exciting pieces we've got over the offseason," said owner Al Davis. "We finally got rid of that JaMarcus Russell, and we got that quarterback who wasn't very good in Washington. Just imagine what he can do in a Raiders uniform! Let me just read you some names; Michael Bush, Zach Miller, Justin Fargas...If you've never heard of these guys, don't worry, neither have I. But apparently, they were our best offensive players last year. So get excited!"
It's believed the two sides are still far apart on the negotiating points, with the fans once again pointing to the Colts fans as an example.
"Those Colts fans don't know how good they have it!" said the fan's Rep. "They get to sit indoors, they don't even dress up as anything, and they get to go to the AFC title game every year?! Ridiculous! What would they dress up as anyway? A horse? We want a deal like that, and if Oakland can't give it to us, we'll take our fan services on the open market. I'm sure a team like the Jaguars would love to have even a few people coming to their stadium!"
As negotiations continue, the mood remains tense in Oakland. Both sides plan to meet again later this week.
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A huge car accident is being reported in eastern Ohio at the moment, the result of which is apparently an abundance of traffic by NFL reporters traveling between training camps. The roads in the northeast have been clogged for the past 2 weeks as hundreds of reporters from every website and news source imaginable are trekking between training camps for various NFL teams.
It is believed ESPN's John Clayton veered into oncoming traffic on I-43, near the border of Ohio and Kentucky, shortly after returning from Cincinnati Bengals camp and making his way to that of the Cleveland Browns. He collided with several vehicles going the other way including cars driven by Adam Schefter, Chris Mortensen, and a bus carrying John Madden.
The carnage was gruesome, as blood, broken glass, and handwritten notes on positional battles were strewn about the highway.
This crash comes right on the heels of West Virginia's governor coming out publicly against traveling beat reporters during recent weeks. He says the constant traffic jams and congestion due to thousands of writers, all with the same lame idea of traveling to every camp for live reports they could just have easily have done in the office, is too much for his roads to take.
It's unknown how the death of several sports writers at once will affect the coverage of the NFL preseason, but it's believed with so many out there, you'll hardly notice a difference. Peter King has said in addition to hitting all 32 NFL camps, he is also going to try to travel to every funeral of a beat writer who dies traveling between camps.
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Albert Haynesworth announced today that he has finally passed the Washington Redskins conditioning test that has held him back from beginning training camp with his team. It was reported over the past two days that Haynesworth was not able to run consecutive 100 yard sprints, and Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan was very displeased.
But the third time appears to be the charm for the pro bowl defensive lineman, as he announced in a press conference he had been passed on the test shortly before dinner time last night. This happened even though he seems to have gained somewhere in the vicinity of 170 pounds in the past 24 hours. But Haynesworth says despite the weight gain he was able to impress the coach into letting him join the rest of the team.
But shortly after this supposed testing and passing grade, Mike Shanahan was pronounced missing by the Washington D.C. police department. He was last seen heading into the dining hall with Haynesworth, presumably about to administer the test.
"I do not know where Coach Shanahan went to," said Haynesworth. "Last thing I knew we were in the dining hall, and he was yelling at me about failing the test, saying he would bet there's nothing I couldn't eat. I told him not to make that bet. More yelling, then I blacked out for a little while. When I woke I was really full and I remembered him telling me I had passed all the tests."
Police interviewed Haynesworth about the disappearance, and a doctor examined him due to a strange 60-year-old man shaped growth that has formed in his belly. But neither was conclusive.
"I just want to say to Mike's family, that they should be proud of him. He was a...delicious man, who taught me that I should really get into shape, because if you don't, you are going to not taste very good should a hypothetical giant eat you later in life. I want to live up to my full potential for any cannibal that may choose to ingest me."
Haynesworth then excused himself, and said he really had to poop.
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The St. Louis Rams today announced the signing of Gary "Turkey Machine" Stiltson to a 5 year contract worth an estimated $30 million dollars. But Stiltson, a retired bowler who never even played high school football, was a little confused by receiving a multi-million dollar contract in the mail.
"My father always told me, if you ever get a paper saying someone is going to pay you $30 million dollars, you sign it immediately," said Stiltson. "I always thought that was something crazy he said because of his wild schizophrenia, but sure enough it turned out to be sage advice."
Reporters struggled for most of the day to figure out why the Rams inked Stiltson to a deal out of the blue. But "Turkey Machine", known by that moniker because of his penchant to get three strikes in a row at the lanes, and also because he invented a machine that grinds up feathered turkeys whole, says he doesn't know the reason. He also says he's glad it happened, as there weren't as many people into live bird grinding as he had anticipated when manufacturing his machine.
The Rams wouldn't officially comment on the signing, but in an email recovered by an AP reporter, more was revealed.
From: Rams GM Billy Devaney
To: Coach Steve Spagnuolo
Oh shit! Shit! Shit! Damn it! Shit!
So, you know when you told me after we blew getting Terrell Owens, you just wanted me to sign any former Pro Bowler? Well, as you may have noticed from the team I gave you to work with last year, I kind of don't know what the hell I'm doing in this job.
So, I went onto Monster.com and typed in "Former Pro Bowler", and the first thing that popped up was this guy, Gary Stiltson. So, I may have immediately blown 1/6 of our payroll on him...Maybe...I can't quite figure out how the salary cap or payroll system work.
And then yesterday, I snuck into the GM office of the New England Patriots, to see how real GMing works, and I heard them say I apparently hired a guy who used to play on the PBA Tour. Oops!
Who knew he wasn't the kind of pro bowler we're looking for?! His page on there so seemed like a football player! It said can't use computers, favorite movie is Field Of Dreams, and he only has a high school degree. That could only be a football great!
Well look, he's coming up here to training camp next week. Try not to kill him in the workouts, or we'll probably have a lawsuit on our hands. He's 54, so don't feel awkward coaching someone who is older than you. He's also going to bring something called a "Turkey Machine", and he said to have all our turkeys ready for it.
We do have turkeys, right? If not, I better get some, that seems like something a GM should always have available for the team...
-The B Man
PS, I'm not sure what your email address is Steve. I thought it was email@example.com, but I don't see that in my addressbook, so I'm just going to click this one that says firstname.lastname@example.org. You must have changed it to this...
Steve Spagnuolo couldn't be reached for comment about his new player, but Stiltson said he is very happy to report to a real NFL training camp. He can't wait to tell the guys back at the bowling alley.
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NFL training camps kicked off today around the country, and the drama of players battling for roster spots was not the only excitement to take place. In Miami Dolphins training camp, a suspicious man was held by security after he tried to tell team officials he was with a news organization called the Miami Herald.
The obviously fabricated media outlet was said to be something called a "newspaper" by the man, who pleaded with Dolphins security that he was indeed an actual reporter.
Bloggers and television reporters knew nothing of this Miami Herald or newspapers, and said this was all probably some kind of elaborate hoax.
The man was released after it was determined he was no real threat, just a crazy old man holding onto the past, and was told to go read about the Dolphins on the Internet like everybody else.
ESPN broke into programming to report the story. Sports blogs around the country immediately began covering the incident, and the Internet was abuzz with people researching these newspapers.
According to Wikipedia, and other vague mentions that people across the message boards could put together, newspapers were a daily printed account of sports news. It was sent out as many as 18 hours after a sporting event concluded, long after everyone should have already known the result.
These printed papers were then put into a plastic bag and thrown wildly into your yard every morning by a young boy on a bicycle. You would then have to go out into the wet grass, retrieve your paper, and then wade through pages of ads to find the sports section. Apparently you also had to pay for this massive inconvenience.
Conspiracy websites immediately sprang up, claiming that obviously Wikipedia was vandalized, as this sounded way too crazy to actually be true.
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Lately no NFL off-season is complete without discussions surrounding Terrell Owens and which team is desperate enough to take the risk in signing him to a contract.
Last year the Buffalo Bills took a chance on the embattled receiver, and he responded with his lowest receptions, yards and touchdown numbers since his final season with the Philadelphia Eagles. This year, it appears that no NFL team may be stupid enough to add Owens to their roster.
However it appears Owens has refused to let his dream of destroying another franchise die and has taken matters into his own hands. TSC has received a copy of a mass e-mail that Owens has sent to all NFL owners and General Managers in hopes of suckering one of them into signing him:
Attention Dearest Kind NFL Owner/GM:
Greetings this fine day, I hope this correspondence finds you in good health and of cheer. My name is Mr. Terrell Owens and I write to confirm to you that I am a most excellent and efficient wide receiver who has had the honor of playing for many teams including the 49ERS of SAN FRANCISCO, the EAGLES of PHILADELPHIA and the COWBOYS of DALLAS, TEXAS.
Recently, I have the good fortune of recently inheriting a release from a well known organization located in the city of BUFFALO known as the BILLS, and though my talents are extremely valuable and sought after, thus far no team has come forward to claim me. Because of this, I am seeking the opportunity and pleasure of servicing your NFL team this season. In exchange for my running and catching of footballs, all I ask it that you would wire $10M.USD (TEN MILLION US DOLLARS) to my personal representative, Drew Rosenhaus. Once funds are received I will show us at your training camp and provide you with my talent.
Please provide the utmost confidentiality regarding this correspondence, and be rest assured that this will be a most profitable transaction for both of us. I humbly. . .no, I eagerly await your response and look forward to your most timely reply.
Mr. Terrell Owens
Several NFL owners phoned the league office after receiving these unsolicited e-mails, and were assured that the league plans to take immediate action and will implement updated software designed to curb future correspondence from Owens.
"We have top IT people working right now to make sure this T.O. Virus does not actually harm any of your teams," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Nobody wants this horrible thing to infect your franchise."
Goodell went on to ask that the owners please don't click on any links from an Owens email address. Some common schemes of this virus are the following:
- An African Prince named Mel Kiper wants to wire you undiscovered college standouts, one named Terrell Owens.
- Buying Owens now can result in your playoff chances growing an astounding 3-5 inches in only two weeks.
- You can get the free services of a hall of fame receiver just for filling out a short survey(that receiver then turns out to be Terrell Owens).
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In the wake of the Heisman committee announcing they were exploring possibly revoking Reggie Bush's 2005 Heisman trophy after finding out he received money and benefits in college, comes more bad news for the runningback. The NFL has said that it too will investigate strong evidence that he is currently being given heaps money by a group known as the "New Orleans Saints", as well as several major corporations for sponsorships.
"We are looking seriously at the evidence here that Bush is currently getting $15 million a year from the Saints and $5 million more from advertisers," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in a press conference today. "Wow, that is an awful lot of money for a back who average less than 500 yards a season and gets injured all the time. I have seen him pitching me Subway more on Sundays than I see him involved in plays on the field."
Goodell says that while nothing is in the rules against the athletes receiving money once they go pro, this is nonetheless troubling. The NFL bylaws clearly state that crappy players are supposed to get crappy money. Unless, of course, they are gross mistakes like a Ryan Leaf or Jamarcus Russell, in which case they are simply cut and laughed out of football.
Other NFL players such as Aaron Rodgers have long been trying to help sell five dollar footlongs, but have been rejected. This despite seriously better careers. Subway's response was that they want to set realistic expectations for people at home, not everyone can be a starting quarterback for a historic franchise, and eating a sub won't get you there. But maybe a 3rd string runningback with a penchant for injuries is possible, if you head into a Subway today.
Goodell says they are considering revoking one of the awards he received in the NFL, just as soon as they figure out what awards he has won. Apparently interns have been searching through the archives attempting to find some accolade, any accolade at all, so that they could revoke it. They concluded that Bush does have a 2nd place ribbon from the week 11 Player Of The Week award in 2007. They will consider taking that away, but it's believed he just threw it in the trash upon receiving it.
He also was the only football player nominated for the Male Athlete Of The Year in the BET Awards the last three years, but BET says they are not taking those honors away.
"He was the only sensible choice in football for those years," said a BET spokesman. "He almost had 500 yards a couple times in there, and nearly double digit touchdowns! Those are huge numbers! Plus it's not like there are many black football players out there we have to choose from. It's a very select pool! Obviously he was the best black player the last three years, money or not!"
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Just a few weeks ago, almost 10 million people inexplicably tuned in to ESPN to watch LeBron James announce where he would be playing basketball this fall. Banking on the success of that show and out of frustration with the perpetual indecision of Brett Favre, ESPN announced this week that they will be spinning off a new decision special that they are calling “Brett Favre - Make This [CENSORED]ing Decision, [CENSORED]hole.”
According to the announcement, the show will feature an interview in which a grizzled Favre refuses to provide specific answers to any questions, and talks about how much his body is hurting these days. We will also see highlights of Favre stretching, jogging around a track and throwing passes to high school wide receivers and/or guys wearing Wrangler blue jeans.
The show will offer cameos by individuals personally affected by Favre’s indecisiveness, like his wife, Deanna, Viking season ticket holders, millions of fantasy football players who plan to waste a first round pick on Favre, and a local Hattiesburg, MS bakery owner who refuses to dedicate any more time or money to yet another Favre retirement cake.
In the show’s climactic conclusion, Coach Brad Childress will show up outside Favre’s door with two huge Viking defensive linemen who will then proceed to literally put Favre’s nuts into a vice until he reveals his decision about returning to the NFL. “I’m tired of this shit!” said Coach Childress, “How am I supposed to sleep at night when I keep having visions of an offense led by Sage Rosenfels or Tarvaris Jackson?!?! I swear if it comes to that, we are just gonna snap the ball to Adrian Peterson.”
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