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NFL

Written by Tim Hoffman Friday, 19 June 2009 17:03

Apparently that lucky son of a bitch Tom Brady has impregnated his second super model with a child, this time his new wife, Gisele Bunchen. The no good bastard says he and his wife are very happy to be expecting their first child. That makes two models down on this prick's quest to make sure all of the offspring of 21st century supermodels belongs to him.

I've been a beatwriter for these Pats for 20 years, and you are the worst quarterback I've ever seen. Do you know how many models I've been with? Do you know how many women I've been with who could even be remotely considered models even in a plus size catalogue? Zero Tom! Zero!

To celebrate the news, the piece of shit is taking his wife down to his winter home in the Bahamas on his twenty million fucking dollar yacht. The asshole went so far as to say he is starting his own children's charity which will raise enough money, he hopes, to have a real shot at curing children's cancer. What a dick.

Brady says he doesn't know when the baby will be arriving, but says it will probably be before a certain sportswriter's wife goes on a diet or learns how to clean the kitchen. Muscles, millions, talent, fame, and good looks weren't enough for you, were they Brady? You had to go out and tag half of the very Victoria's Secret catalogue I used last night? That's low, you fucker. Add a comment
Written by Tim Hoffman Thursday, 18 June 2009 17:03

David Blaine, the street magician who is famous for his longterm stunts, such as being submerged in water for 30 days or hung above New York for weeks on end, has announced he will begin a new stunt this September. This might be his most treacherous feat yet, and one doctors have advised him not to attempt.

He will try to survive an entire season as a Detroit Lions fan. He has been preparing his body for the constant losing over the summer by watching Washington Nationals games, but nothing can truly prepare you for the horror of watching the real thing. He has bought a Matthew Stafford jersey, and even set the Lions to his favorite team on his Facebook. He will attempt to stay interested in them for the whole year, despite however bad things may get in the standings.

Doctors warn that being a Lions fan is extremely dangerous, and unhealthy for his psyche. They caution that too much exposure to such an awful franchise could result in permanent damage. But the stuntman is unwavering in his dedication to this new plan. Tune in this Fall to see if he can survive the ordeal. Add a comment
Written by Tim Hoffman Friday, 12 June 2009 14:54

Michael Vick was officially released by the Atlanta Falcons today, meaning he is now a free agent. Known for being a great athlete, but not such a stellar passer, it has been wondered where Vick might land. But, despite these concerns, many teams have expressed interest in the former phenom who has spent the last 2 years in prison on dogfighting charges.

"We've actually been looking for a downgrade at the QB position for quite awhile now," said New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick. "We have had outstanding quarterback play for far too long. It just allows teams to gameplan against our perfect routes and well thrown passes. What we need is a wildcard under center, someone who our opponents will never be able to guess what he's going to do wrong. You can plan how to exploit a weakness, but Vick has so many weaknesses, they'll never be able to plan for them all."

Belichick hopes to bring Vick out for a workout to see if he can still be as bad as he was before he left the league. The coach hopes Vick hasn't been practicing or anything while serving time.

Also hoping to be in the mix for the QB are the Cleveland Browns.

"Wow, the things he can do with dogs," said GM George Kokinis. "As a team symbolized by dogs, we have for too long been quiet lapdogs for the rest of the league. Obviously Vick knows how to whip them into shape and turn them into fighters, and that's just what this team needs. He can build some cages next to the locker room, maybe have Braylon Edwards put in there every time he drops a pass during a game. He'll have these guys ready to kill out there on the field, or in a smoky dimly lit basement, wherever there is football to be played."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Friday, 05 June 2009 15:31

The Detroit Lions today announced that veteran quarterback Daunte Culpepper has been designated for minor league assignment today. This leaves the starting job open for the taking by overall number one pick Matthew Stafford. The move is a strange one, considering there is not currently nor has there ever been a minor league system in the NFL.

"What? We don't have a minor league system?" said team president Tom Lewand. "Look, I obviously don't know all that much about football from the results you've seen on the field here. But, when we told Culpepper we were sending him to the minors he just left and went somewhere. We're not sure exactly where he went to, but he's not with our team anymore, and that's the important thing."

Indeed, Culpepper's whereabouts are currently unknown. Authorities have begun searching small towns in the Detroit area in an attempt to find him, as they believe he could be wandering the streets looking for a minor league franchise. They believe they will find him in no time, they just have to follow the interceptions.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 13 May 2009 14:35

After ending yet another season without a playoff appearance, the Houston Texans have brought in a new defensive coordinator who hopes his innovative scheme can finally put a stop to opposing offenses. When new defensive coordinator Phil Rutger came to the team, he was going to run a standard 3-4 defense.

"I had run that scheme at a couple of places, and I found it really effective," said Rutger. "But then I saw just what kind of talent I was working with here in Houston and I knew the only way we would have a chance is if I came up with something truly innovative. That's when I created this 3-24 defense."

"It's 3 downlinemen, and 24 linebackers. The extra 16 players on the field should make us competitive out there, finally. That's 2.5 of our guys covering each player, even the Center will not be allowed to get open. I believe this scheme is going to change football forever."

"The 24 linebackers will line up across the field behind the line of scrimmage and hold hands, stretching the entire width of the field. It's a lot like the game Red Rover, only if the other team asks if they can send someone over, they are going to get an enthusiastic "No!". But to run this scheme we really need to improve our depth at the linebacker position. I'm thinking we need at least half our active roster to consist of linebackers. It's going to be tough for people to adjust to, and you'll see it on the field come August."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 11 May 2009 20:19

Sports media outlets were abuzz last week at the prospect of a meeting between Brett Favre and high ranking Vikings officials. But, the meeting never happened, as Favre stayed home in Mississippi, and the future hall of fame QB remained unsigned. However, the media are still hopeful they have a chance at signing Brett for an offseason of headlines and speculation.

"We've had some conversations with him, and it sounds like he isn't ready to just retire from sports talk radio and the lead story on Sportscenter just yet," said anchor Mike Greenberg. "Every time he turns on the TV, and we aren't talking about Favre unretiring, he gets that itch to come on back. We believe we'll still be able to sign him for an entire offseason of speculation and debate."

Radio hosts say Favre's headlines will be able to start right away once he gives them the word. They say they have nothing else to talk about right now, as they aren't about to devote entire shows to NBA playoff talk. Any taste of the NFL and they'll take it. Favre has yet to make a decision, but he says he feels he has several more months of quality headlines left in him. There are still 29 teams he hasn't considered unretiring to yet.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 04 May 2009 16:05

The Dallas Cowboys were stunned over the weekend as their practice facility in Texas collapsed during a rainstorm, injuring several people and frightening everyone inside. The team is unsure how to deal with the disaster, as they are usually only accustomed to metaphorical collapses during the season and postseason despite having superior talent.

"I don't know how to deal with this man," said quarterback Tony Romo. "People actually hurt by falling debris...usually it's just people who have our players on their fantasy teams who suffer. This is rough. I want to give out my condolences to those injured in the collapse. I promise you that this will be nothing compared to what kinds of letdowns we have planned for the upcoming season. People think we are going to be better because we got rid of all our trouble makers, but we'll show them they haven't seen anything yet."

Jerry Jones issued a statement to the families of those affected by the tragedy, saying he only tries to build teams that are made to collapse, not buildings.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 27 April 2009 21:10

The Dallas Cowboys took Texas A&M's Stephen McGee in the fourth round of this years NFL Draft in order to shore up the weakest part of their game last year, the coin toss. The Cowboys ranked dead last in coin toss calls, with their record standing at 0-8.

They started the year with Tony Romo as team captain, but his heavily tails favoring coin calls led to the other team choosing which side they wanted each and every game. They made a switch late in the season to Jason Witten, but he fared no better. The coaching staff made coin tosses the focus of voluntary minicamps this offseason, with an entire week spent on practicing flipping coins in the air, making sure they know how to say both "heads" and "tails", and learning the history of minted coins in general.

But the Cowboys management decided it was time to go in a new direction at the position of team captain and drafted McGee, a tough coin guesser from the Big 12 Conference. Mel Kiper said McGee is a bold leader, who takes charge during a coin toss and makes sure there is no doubt about which side he is picking. He is expected to come in and start right away, and could make a huge impact for these Cowboys chances of deferring kickoffs.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 20 April 2009 19:55

After the first 0-16 season in the history of the NFL, the Detroit Lions are looking for any way they can turn around the direction of their franchise. They hope to have made a big change with the unveiling today of a new logo, uniforms, and franchise quarterback.

The Lions held a press conference in Detroit to show off their new duds and team identity to the public for the first time. Their logo is now not that of a leaping blue lion, as it has been in the past, but that of a stylized American patriot looking forward while his colonial hat tails off behind him. They also showed off new uniforms that were silver, blue, and red, and looked suspiciously like those of the New England Patriots.

The press immediately began asking why their uniforms looked exactly like those of the team from Foxboro and what the man in the colonial hat had to do with lions.

"This is Liontamer Pat," said Detroit GM Martin Mayhew. "As everybody knows, liontamers are one of the oldest professions, dating back to the 1700's in American circuses. Hopefully people are excited about this new look for us, and we know it looks a lot like some other uniforms you have seen in the past. But that other team seemed mighty successful, so we are just going to try these out and see if we can have a little of that success too."

Mayhew then announced the signing of an undrafted free agent named Bom Trady to be their new franchise quarterback. Trady came out from behind a curtain to a cautious applause from the press, who quickly began trying to research on their laptops anything they could on this enigmatic young man. They found no record of his play in either high school or college, but Mayhew assured them that he was an exciting player who could throw the football like the best in the business.

Trady's height and weight are surprisingly the exact same as that of last year's starter Jon Kitna, but the team hopes he will have more success than that signal caller. Bom also strangely wears a Tom Brady halloween mask, but Mayhew assured the media that is was only due to the fact that he suffered horrific burns to his face as a kid. Jon Kitna was unavailable for comment at the time of the article, apparently he has been missing ever since the signing of the new QB.

The new Lions jerseys are now on sale in the NFL Shop, with a lot of confused fans trying to make sure they don't accidentally buy one when trying to get one they will not get made fun of for wearing, that of the New England Patriots.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 01 April 2009 15:14

The police officer who detained Houston Texans runningback Ryan Moats for a traffic violation while his mother-in-law was dying in a hospital resigned today, ending an illustrious career of racism. The 26-year-old officer has been working on his biggotry for years, and was shocked to discover people were outraged when he pulled a gun on an African-American who slowly ran a traffic light, and would not let the man into the hospital while his relative died.

"Because of this incident, I will be stepping down from the police force," said officer Robert Powell. "I don't know if I can live and work in a country that doesn't allow police to investigate just how a black guy came to be driving a car they didn't steal. And how was I supposed to know his mother-in-law was really dying, and that wasn't an excuse so he could hurry along and get some fried chicken?

"It was imperitive to the safety of the city that I searched his SUV for possible Popeye's coupons, so I could prove what his true motives are. That was taught to me on day one of police academy."

Because of the publicity and backlash the story has caused, Powell says he will be moving to Canada.

"I'm going to be going above the border," continued Powell. "There are fewer professional athletes there, so I should be able to freely harass people of color without fear that they are famous and it will get out to the media. There will not be as many black people up there, so I'm going to have to try real hard to find them and give them unnecessary and unwarranted grief."

A reporter asked Powell what he will miss the most about working in Texas.

"I will probably miss the Mexicans the most. There probably won't be any of them up there, and that will take away a good portion of my opportunities for racism. But, I hear they have French people up there, so I'm going to have to study up on what I can objectify them for. I'm very excited about this new opportunity."

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Picture Of The Day


The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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