Reports surfaced out of Denver today that Jay Cutler and head coach Josh McDaniels have been exchanging text messages in hopes of patching up their relationship, which has grown increasingly rocky over the offseason. It was hoped that Cutler would return to Denver for voluntary workouts, but it appears that even the texting has rubbed Cutler the wrong way.
"Look, I really wanted to be a part of this team over the offseason, I really did," said Cutler. "We had a nice dialogue going, I started off by saying 'Hey m8! Wat r u up 2?' and he responded with an incredibly insulting 'ROFL, MBFYMADS!'. Now, everyone knows that means, 'Rolling on floor laughing, Mrs. Butterworth Fucks Your Mom All Day Sunday'. Why would he say something like that to me, and laugh about it?! Mrs. Butterworth is a delicious syrup shaped like a woman, how dare he deface her like this!"
In response to this insult, Cutler said he is going to sell another 2-3 houses and forgo another couple hundred thousand dollars in bonus money to further punish the team.
McDaniels responded by saying the whole thing was a big mixup, and he blames the translator he brought in to help him talk to the young man. Maria Young, a linguist who speaks multiple languages including fluent drunk asshole, hipster jagoff, and narcissistic douche quarterback, was the one responsible. She has helped teams communicate in the past with people such as Brett Favre and Ryan Leaf. But this time she thought she was texting an abbreviation that meant "My best friend, you're missing a dope scrimmage'.
McDaniels has since let go the translator, and cited the difficulty in relating to a 25-year-old detached white kid though text abbreviations for the misunderstanding. He said all communication with Cutler will now be handled by his 11-year-old daughter.
The Coast Guard called off its search for two NFL players and a third man, lost at sea when their boat flipped this past Saturday amid high winds. They found one survivor Monday of the four-person fishing trip that left early Saturday morning only never to return to port. With the search called off, hope to ever find the men is slim to none, but the coast guard nonetheless urged optimism in a press conference held today.
"Well, there are only two possible outcomes now really," said Lt. James Daniels of the U.S. Coast Guard. "One of them is that these men are forever lost at sea. But the other, the one I'd like to believe, is that they are trapped on a desert isle somewhere having 22 minute-long sitcomy adventures. No doubt things are rougher there than on Gilligan's Island, as they have no women, no professor to come up with incredibly complicated escape plans, and of course, no hilarious Gilligan to entertain them. But, things weren't so bad for the people on that show, and I'm sure we'll find them again in a couple seasons after the show loses popularity."
"Uh, Mr. Daniels, that is the single most insulting and disrespectful thing I have ever heard from a government official..." said one of the reporters.
"Yes, I believe it might be," replied Lt. Daniels. "But when you're in my business, you have to consider all the options. Did that space shuttle really explode a couple years ago? Or did they just find a genie on the moon who did some kind of crazy blink that made them disappear? Did Katrina happen because mother nature made it happen? Or was it merely a plot point of a great season of 24? Was 9/11 committed by terrorists? Or was it ABC executives trying to distract us from how truly horrible Two And A Half Men is? We may never know these answers for sure..."
"What? We do know because those are the dumbest theories anyone has ever suggested!"
"Look, I know it sounds crazy. But we're all just really emotional right now. Let's take a step back and admit for a second that these missing people are probably working on creating a working phone out of a coconut and two palm fronds at this very moment..."
Lt. Daniels was fired within an hour of this press conference.
Reports leaked over the weekend that the Denver Broncos made a trade offer to the New England Patriots to trade their starting QB Jay Cutler for Matt Cassel. The move would re-unite the Patriots quarterback with his offensive coordinator from last season, Josh McDaniel, now the head coach in Denver. But the move never went through and Cassel ended up going to the Kansas City Chiefs along with Mike Vrabel for a second round pick.
The reports got to Cutler, who is reportedly miffed at the deal, as it would have moved him to one of the greatest franchises in recent history.
"How could they screw up a deal like this?!" said Cutler to ESPN. "To find out I had a chance to play for the New England Patriots, it just blows my mind to think about. Now I'm stuck here in Denver for another year! I mean, this team hasn't won a playoff game since Elway left, and let's be honest here, I'm no Elway. I could have been on a team without a porous defense, an offensive line that knows how to block, and the coach that taught my rookie coach everything he knows!"
ESPN's Sal Paolantonio says Cutler is not speaking to Broncos management about the trade because he is so enraged. Apparently he has been trying to meet Tom Brady for years, and this would have finally made that possible. Cutler also says he is tired of having to throw so many balls to earn his multi-millions every year, and would look forward to the opportunity to earn it by simply sitting on a bench.
"I also can't believe they couldn't pull the trigger on getting a great quarterback like Matt Cassel! That guy was an amazing leader last year, and that's without starting for a decade or so! Just imagine what he could do now, and for a team as crappy as ours. Now you guys are stuck with me? Good luck with that...I've seen myself play, and...well...it's going to be a long couple of seasons for all you Broncos fans..."
The Washington Redskins are doing what they do best in the offseason, giving mega contracts to the biggest free agents. This time the beneficiary of Daniel Snyder's wallet is defensive end Albert Haynesworth, who inked a 7-year $100 million dollar deal over the weekend from the Washington owner.
When Haynesworth was asked what made him pick the Redskins over the Tenessee Titans, the team he had played his whole career for, he said the answer was simple.
"They offered me this great custom Redskins jersey!" he exclaimed, holding the jersey up so everyone in the press could see his name printed on the back. "Ever since I was a kid, I've wanted one of these custom jerseys from the NFL Shop, but my mom always said they were too much. $200 bucks to spend for an authentic one, I could never get myself to pull the trigger on that purchase, even with my millions made from football."
"But Mr. Snyder here offered to give me however many of these custom authentic jerseys I wanted, so I just couldn't pass this offer up. The $100 million dollars also helped. I've ordered all kinds of great jerseys: I've got a Haynesworth jersey coming for each team in the league, I've got a Packers jersey with Favre's name spelled sensibly, I've even got one that says Fuck You Giants, to help me get in the mood for this divisional race. These things are awesome! They are just like the jerseys that the players wear!"
After 13 seasons of toiling at or near the top of the divisional and conference standings, Marvin Harrison asked for his release today from the Indianapolis Colts. After over a decade of success, being a part of the greatest QB-wide receiver tandem in history along with Peyton Manning, Harrison has long wanted to see what the bottom of the standings are like.
"I have a dream," began Harrison in an interview with ESPN. "I have a dream of not caring about whether we win or lose only two months into the season, because we are so far out of first. I have a dream of not having to actually stay in shape and compete hard for a roster spot, because my team only drafts wide receiving busts and people of questionable character. I have a dream of being able to just sit at home and watch the playoffs on my comfortable new couch, with my plasma TV and surround sound, instead of having to go get all sweaty and play in them. By asking for my release today, I'm hoping one team out there can let me live this dream."
Several suitors have lined up to try and grab the future Hall Of Famer. The Bengals and Lions especially have prepared presentations about their long history of horrible play and divisional showings. The Lions presented a plan about how Harrison will never have to attend a practice, because even without them he will be much better than anything else they have. The Bengals showed him the luxurious facility where they held their "Ha Ha, The Steelers Have To Play 3 Extra Games" themed Super Bowl Party.
Marvin is said to be considering both offers very seriously, although the Cardinals have come in late to say not to rule them out. They say that last year was just a fluke, and to not worry, they will be back to their old ways in 2009.
The secretive Man Council came out of deliberation today after spending a weekend with the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. On their arrival from their meeting chambers they made the official decree that Danica Patrick has had the "For A Driver" suffix removed from her hot designation.
"We have studied this photo spread of Ms. Patrick very thoroughly," said Man Council spokesman Chuck Norris. "And it is our opinion that while in the past she has looked like an under-developed boy confusedly trying on his older sister's underwear, this year, Danica Patrick is indeed hot. She is no longer "Hot...For A Race Car Driver", she is now officially known as just plain hot. For many years men have wanted to rub one out to pictures of her, but couldn't do it without feeling a little weirded out by her looks. But now, we are telling the world it's ok to do."
The designation change is a rare occurrence in the ways of the man council, as formal changes to hot titles are seldomn done once they are given. Anna Kournikova's title of "Hot...For Someone Who Loses All The Time" never changed despite her retirement from tennis and seemingly becoming hotter. Nor did Salma Hayek ever shed the title of "Hot...For Someone Appearing In A Movie Featuring Antonio Banderas' Ass" after she got it from her debut in Desperado.
Brett Favre held his first press conference of the offseason today, this time from his home in Mississippi, to announce that he had not yet decided if he will spend the entire offseason deciding if he will retire again. The last few years have seen Favre wrestle with the question of retirement for many months after the end of each season.
He has held press conferences, conducted exclusive interviews with Greta Van Sustren, sat out mini camps, rode horseback exclusively with Greta Van Sustren, insulted players for telling him he's bad for the team, and even invited Greta Van Sustren into his bedroom for a threesome, because he says she is "kind of hot, in that giant teeth, really old lady kind of way".
But this season Favre says he is not sure if he can handle the grueling offseason schedule.
"You get to a certain point in your career, where you just don't know if your body is going to let you keep on going," said Favre to the media. "I got out of bed this morning, and my back just ached thinking about this tough press conference I was going to have to come do. I don't know if I can handle doing these every week, going in for sitdown interviews all the time, I'm finally starting to feel my age catching up with me. I don't know if I can do this again. But, I'm going to discuss it with my family, and we'll make a decision soon on whether I'm going to think about making a a retirement decision soon."
Favre started out last offseason on a high note, with a wonderful few weeks of making everyone in the media and his team wait for his decision through long drawn out announcements. Then he had the press conference of his career, crying and breaking down to announce his retirement. But towards the end of the offseason he was out of gas, and limped along with no headlines for quite some time. But then, in true gunslinger fashion, he stirred up a fight about returning from that retirement with the Packers. He finished strong by changing teams, but it was obvious this wasn't the same old Favre.
"We got Favre last year for one reason, and one reason only," said Jets GM Mike Tannenbaum. "And that's for his offseason drama. If he can't deliver that signature Favre bullshit this summer, maybe it's best if he steps away from the game. If he can't keep everyone at home and in the media on the edge of their seat, if he can't tie up a roster spot and cap space, then we don't want him on the New York Jets. Hopefully we can see him string us all along for one more glorious offseason."
Larry Fitzgerald being awarded the MVP trophy was the capper on an amazing Pro Bowl game, which saw an 11-point lead by the AFC evaporate in the second half as the NFC stormed back to win 30-21. Nielson released overnight ratings for the event which show the most people ever almost cared enough to watch the game.
Unlike most years, the excitement and unexpectedness of this year's playoffs really had America looking forward to the Pro Bowl. Nielson's numbers show almost 100 million Americans planned to watch the Pro Bowl, only to remember they had something better to do, leaving about 1 million actual viewers.
"These numbers are real strong," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "They show that this game is really on the minds of our sports fans, at least until they remember they have something else, like laundry, to do. We placed very well among males aged 18-49 who planned to watch, but then saw there was a marathon of Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants movies on TBS. We also scored well on people who almost turned it on, but then went over to hang out with their inlaws instead.
"I mean, this stuff is really strong, for the first time in a long time the gap between those watching the Pro Bowl, and those who thought it would be more fun to go get elective dental surgery instead, is narrowing. Pretty soon, you might be able to talk about what happened in this game with your co-workers on Monday morning, and they wont answer with 'Oh yeah, I forgot that thing was on yesterday'."
Late last week, a small scandal broke out when PETA announced that their Super Bowl ad featuring a woman rubbing vegetables on herself while wearing a bikini was declared too racy for broadcast. But it is only now coming to light that yet another ad was also deemed too extreme for the air, and the Husband's Blowjob Alliance says their cancelled ad was perfectly acceptable.
The 30 second spot featured testimonials by a good-looking middle aged woman talking about how fun it was to give her husband a blowjob. She told of the surprising fact that blowjobs can even help with improved dental health, while at the bottom of the screen white letters warned that "These statements have not been approved by a doctor or the FDA". She then said that starting a daily blowjob diet now could result in increased jewelry, flowers, and spending money on Valentine's Day or Mother's Day coming up soon.
She finally gave one last mention that it's not too late to remind your husband why he gave you that ring in the first place. And if they call 1-800-BJS4-MEN they can request an informative brochure be mailed to their house that has instructions for all the things today's man likes with his blowjob. It has chapters such as licking, twisting, and working the taint, along with fun blowjob recipes like the Peanut Butter Fudge Sundae or the San Francisco Hot Wing.
"This was perhaps the most important ad to air during the Super Bowl," said HBJA President Sal Chambers, "In these hard times and tough economy, it is absolutely essential that wives do their part. Recent studies indicate that marital blowjobs are at a 20-year low, and only going to get worse. We need the women of this country to step up, as many history books will tell you it was blowjobs that got us through the Great Depression. Men motivated again to get out there and do some work, that's what we need again.
"We're not asking for a lot, but our slogan for the ad and for 2009 is "Please, just once a month, bad things are happening and stuff". It's a little wordy and loses focus at the end, but it's been a lot better received than 2008's "Put something in your mouth other than food for once". We urge all women who want more information to consult with their husband about their many blowjob options, we have all kinds of plans to fit your unique needs."
While the ad may never make it to air, the HBJA hope that the controversy surrounding its denial will help to spread awareness of their cause.
"I think something might be going on, something crazy," said Darren Carlisle, in a phone call to police earlier today. "Have you ever seen M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening? I think that might be happening this Sunday! For some reason, all my male friends do not want to do anything with me on Sunday, they all for some reason have plans or are going to parties. I am the one who usually knows about all the parties! And no one has invited me to a single one! Something Happeningish is going on, and I think I am Mark Wahlberg!"
Indeed, the South Beach, Florida resident has had an extremely hard time finding any guys to hang out with this coming Super Bowl Sunday due to his complete lack of sports knowledge. He tried inviting Jake and Tommy over for a late afternoon Brunch, but they said they had to get ready for a party of their own. He then became more desperate and attempted to organize a game of croquet or a trip to the mall to shop for slacks, but both ideas fell through due to lack of interest.
Darren became so desperate in fact, that he paid us to write this news article sending out the word for people he can hang out with on Sunday. He says that he brings a lot of positives to a hangout. He brings a hot new pair of shoes he just bought this week, he brings a bubbly sense of humor, and he is very skilled in both scrapbooking and baking. Hanging out will always result in either a great photo album or possibly a pie.
"Look, I am the one who knows where the hottest parties are happening around town first! My friends want to abandon me for some mystery event on Sunday, they can be my guest. I obviously have lots of other people I can hang out with, that's why I am paying this website to help me find them..."
Page 4 of 6