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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 28 June 2010 23:21

After he made it home and got into bed, Miguel Cabrera was swarmed by teammates who gathered around the sleeping slugger to congratulate him on the no hitter he had just completed on a very trying Date Night. It was yet another no hitter in this year that has seen 4 of them already, not including Armando Galarraga's near perfect-game. But this one might have been the most impressive as Cabrera, with a history of alcohol and domestic violence problems, came through completely unscathed for the first time in his career.

"It was a very tough night," said Cabrera afterwards to a sideline reporter who entered his bedroom to talk about the feat. "But I just want to thank god for giving me the strength to make it through a good 45 minutes of her babbling on about her work girlfriends. There were points in there where I thought I might lose it, but I stuck to the basics, and sure enough I made it through."

The announcers were quietly impressed as he waited an extra 25 minutes for her to get ready to go out, making sure her makeup and outfit was just perfect. But it wasn't until they got to the dinner and she returned her food a third time because it tasted "a little weird", that they started to realize the magic that was taking place on this date.

"We didn't want to say anything, but we started to realize; hey, his wife doesn't have any massive welts forming on her face right now!" said longtime Brewers announcer Bob Uecker. "When you notice something like that, you just want to keep it quiet, don't put any more pressure on this guy or he might blow it. He could just come out punching during dessert and ruin the whole thing. You don't want that."

Things got shaky after dinner as they headed to a showing of "Sex & The City 2", but Cabrera managed to keep his composure even amongst all the bad sexual puns and female empowerment speeches.

"I really thought at that point, he'd just sock her," said teammate Magglio Ordonez. "Once Kim Catrall's old boobs came on the screen, I thought his no hitter was done for. But he powered through it, the kid has stamina."

Cabrera was ecstatic after the game, and thanked his coaches and family, but not his wife, who he really wanted to hit the whole time.


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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 23 June 2010 10:43

A shipment of corkboard arrived at Fenway Park today, with a note from New York Yankees GM Brian Cashman. "Dear Red Sox," the letter began, "I noticed on a recent tour of your facilities that you didn't have a bulletin board to hang disparaging articles on that might contain offensive quotes from other teams, like ours. That is something all teams must do for motivation, and so sports radio hosts can speculate how big an effect said quotes will have on your performance against that team. Enjoy."

But Red Sox management did not take kindly to being sent this bulletin board material by a rival club. They immediately declared that they will instead buy their own bulletin board, and hang upon it a piece of this bulletin board material from the Yankees, as proof they don't think they are a professional franchise.

"The Yanks think we don't know what to put in a locker room?" said Red Sox GM Theo Epstein. "We've been getting mad at them for years without the need to put quotes on the wall. But so be it, this bulletin board material they sent us will be the ultimate piece of bulletin board material!"

It's being speculated by New York talk radio that Cashman is currently in the process of hanging Epsteins quote on the Yankee Stadium bulletin board.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 15 June 2009 17:05

MLB Network today announced a deal with the National Football League to carry 14 preseason games this upcoming August, in an attempt to boost sagging ratings.

"This is an exciting deal for this network," said MLB Network president Rich Yarborough. "To be able to carry the great NFL product on our airwaves, it's quite an honor. We think it's going to go well with our new show that we're going to run every evening, Football Tonight. It covers all the latest news over in the NFL, and we think baseball fans are really going to enjoy it. Baseball Tonight has been bumped back to 1:00 AM, but we feel it's still a very important part of our channel's lineup." Add a comment
Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 15 June 2009 14:17

Unhappy with the way the team has performed so far this season, Washington Nationals management fired all their players today in an unprecedented move. They have brought up some kids from double A ball to serve as interim players until they can find suitable replacements.

"Well, we've struggled to a 16-45 record, which is just awful," said GM Frank Geary. "But head coach Manny Acta is one of the best out there, this team just isn't getting the full management potential out of him. So, we just felt it was time to make a change. We're going to eat their salaries and just move in a different direction."

"We like what they do up in Boston," continued Geary. "We're going to see if we can maybe sign that team to replace them down here. We need a big name team to come in and get the fanbase excited, hopefully some new players can motivate this coaching staff better."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Sunday, 14 June 2009 22:19
The Washington Nationals have announced they have fired manager Manny Acta today, as they entered the all-star break 22.5 games back in the NL East. The move comes as no shock to anyone following the sport, as their performance on the field had been abysmal. But the Nationals did surprise a few people by immediately hiring and firing three more managers over the course of the afternoon.

"We've seen the talent we have here on this roster," said GM Mike Rizzo. "We know that there are still a few rebuilding years ahead of us, and that will probably mean a couple more coaches are going to be shown the door. Why not just get their firings out of the way now, so we can bring in that guy who in five years would be able to turn our franchise around? We're going into the future as we begin looking for our 5th coach of the last 24 hours!"

Rizzo went on to call his plan a lot like the plot of Back To The Future 4, a script he wrote while in college. He said he had no idea why the "genius" screenplay, following Marty McFly as he attempted to run a baseball team owned by the evil Biff Tannen, was never picked up by a studio. He said he hoped this managerial move would rejuvinate interest in that script and his screenwriting career, because obviously he has no skill in managing a baseball franchise.
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Written by Tim Hoffman Sunday, 14 June 2009 22:18
Joe Madden was applauded for his masterful strategy during this year's All-Star game when he made a daring move against Ryan Howard during his second round appearance at the plate. Last year, the AL was thoroughly embarassed when Josh Hamilton belted over 20 homers in the first round. Determined to not let the same thing happen again, Maddon ordered an intentional walk against Howard when he was about to tie the AL's Nelson Cruz in the second round.

"This guy had been creaming the ball all night," said Maddon. "I wasn't about to let him beat us with another long ball, especially with the way that pitcher was throwing the ball. It seemed like he could only throw it slow and right over the plate, it made it really tough out there on our defense."

The defense was also criticized soundly after the game by Maddon. Reports from the locker room say he yelled at his outfielders for playing like a large group of unorganized children. They dropped several easy fly balls, and did not look out for other fielders, often pushing and shoving to get to balls.

The move worked out wonderfully for the AL, as Howard confusingly walked to first base after being issued the walk. The ref then called him back to the plate, as apparently the move was not allowed, and he struggled to make solid contact after that.

Howard was knocked out of the competition by Cruz, who went on to lose to Prince Fielder in the final. Analysts called Maddon's managing one of the best managed home run derbies of all time. Add a comment
Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 01 June 2009 20:07

Woody Paige unveiled this week's MLB Power Rankings in the Denver Post, and not surprisingly the Colorado Rockies were again in the number one spot. Despite having the second worst record in all of Major League Baseball, they have remained consistently on top of his rankings for the entirety of the season.

"This team is showing a lot of determination this season," said Paige in the article. "Even during their three game sweep last weekend at home, they proved that they won't let blowouts phase them. After losing to the Dodgers in those games by a combined score of 38-13, you'd think they get blown out again by the next team they faced. But no, they only ended up losing by 4 the next day. That's mental toughness, and that's why this team is the best!"

Paige has moved those same division leading Dodgers at the bottom of his rankings, right under the 13-36 Washington Nationals, citing that LA is "All about scoring runs and pitching well. That's not all baseball is about, there are also the fundamentals."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 01 June 2009 20:00

It was a magical sight today at Fenway Park, as David Ortiz put on a masterful display of guts and fortitude to hit a complete game shutout for the Boston Red Sox. After getting off to the worst start of his career in which he has compiled a sub .200 average and only one homerun, Ortiz has been rarely been seen to start or make it through an entire game without getting pulled for a sub.

"While pitching a complete game is much more celebrated, today's accomplishment by David I think was much more challenging," said Red Sox manager Terry Francona. "Have you seen how big this guy is and how awful he swings the bat lately? I'm surprised he can make it through an entire game sitting on the bench! I mean, hitting a complete game only happens 8, maybe 9 times per game if it's the American League. Today we saw something special out there."

Ortiz went 0 for 4 at the plate with 3 strikeouts and no walks. It looked like he might be in trouble in the 8th inning, as Francona came out to 1st base to make sure he could continue. But Big Papi told him he had one more strikeout left in him. Sure enough in the ninth inning, with two men on and a chance to tie the game, Ortiz delivered a big whiff at an 0-2 curveball to end the game and complete his night.

The crowd gave a thunderous standing ovation to the slugger for the effort.

"Wow, that guy is all heart isn't he?" said fan Derek Chan. "He's certainly not got any skill or ability anymore, but he's got a lot of heart..."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 13 May 2009 15:25

With Dontrelle Willis slated to make his first start of the season, after suffering through a "personality disorder" for the first part of the season, officials in Detroit are struggling to complete construction on their stadium. The emergency repair work, which will push the outfield walls back another 50 feet, was begun last night as soon as their game against the Twins finished.

"We know we have one chance to not lose this game by giving up 10 homeruns, and that's to move these walls back," said owner Mike Ilitch. "We all saw how bad Dontrelle was last season. He gave up so many runs we still haven't been able to compute what his ERA was, there were just too many to count."

After a 2-6 loss to the Twins, contruction workers immediately brought in cranes and dumptrucks to try to get a new wall built in time for the 8:10 arrival of Willis to the ballpark.

"We are doing this for the team, this city," said construction foreman Mike Harris, head of the project. "If we want to give these boys a chance with Dontrelle on the mound, we've got to finish this project by 8:10 sharp. The MLB offices say we need a complete wall around the field in order to start the game. So that is our mission. We have also advised no one to park in the outfield parking lot tonight, as even with the extended field, he's still going to allow some to be hit out of the ballpark. We don't want any destroyed cars out there."

Last season during Willis' last start at Comerica Park, so many homeruns were allowed to leave the stadium, the mayor believed the city was under attack. He almost phoned for the National Guard to be deployed to stop what he believed was a full-scale assault by a rogue sporting goods store. But he was informed by his advisors that was perhaps the dumbest scenario anyone had ever thought up, and that it was merely Dontrelle on the mound.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 11 May 2009 20:47

When Jason Bay took over for Manny Ramirez in left field for the Boston Red Sox last season, he knew he'd have some big shoes to fill. For many years, Manny's crazy behavior had been the subject of much debate. But, his hitting had always made up for his eccentricities. Many fans wondered if Bay would be able to live up these expectations.

So far this season he has delivered in the cleanup role for Boston, hitting .324 with 9 homers and 34 RBIs. But Bay hasn't been without a strange personality of his own, one the Boston faithful are having to adjust to like the man before.

"Jason has done some very strange things so far," said longtime fan Jim Creely. "Yesterday he hits a homerun, and then just drops his bat and goes to first base. He didn't stand there and watch it for 10 seconds, point at the pitcher, or even thump his chest! That's not how left fielders act here in Boston! But, that's just Bay being Bay! He's so crazy, but you've got to just accept it because he's such a great hitter."

Jim also questioned Jason's catching of a fly ball and then simply throwing it back to the infield. His son wanted to know why Bay didn't high five a fan, do a spin, or throw off his hat before catching the ball. He had to explain that Bay was just an eccentric sports personality, and that his son should never behave like that on the field. That's just Bay being Bay...

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Picture Of The Day

The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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