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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 04 May 2009 19:03

Despite her tell-all book on Alex Rodriguez coming out this week, Sports Illustrated's Selena Roberts may soon find herself out of a job. In her new book she reveals brand new scandals about A-Rod that have the entire sports world talking, such as high school steroids and pitch-tipping.

But her editors reveal that she may be out of good A-Rod stories to tell. Sources inside SI reveal that her latest pieces, "A-Rod Has Alien Baby With Queen Of Marxuus 11" and "Rodriquez Ate Cal Ripken To Absorb His Shortstop Power" are a bit of a stretch, even for them.

"I am still a great sportswriter, and I will prove to these doubters that there are still scandals out there I have no yet accused him of," fired back Roberts. "I spent all day going through books about baseball cheating, and I think I've found a few more of these I can get to stick on him. If you thought steroids were wild, wait until you hear about his spitballs when he turns a double play."

Her editors then suggested to Roberts that maybe she try to write about something other than A-Rod, but her response was "I don't understand what that means..."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 22 April 2009 18:00

A letter from the New York Mets was delivered today to the Florida Marlins club offices in Miami. It was written by Mets manager Jerry Manuel, on behalf of his team. Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria gathered his club together in the locker room so that he could read the heartfelt letter to them. It read as follows:

Dear Florida Marlins,

I am writing you on behalf of my players here who you have painfully embarassed through the first three weeks of the season. Do you guys like being mean? Is that it? You have no payroll and no big stars, yet you are out here knocking down my innocent players into 4th place? This is supposed to be where you guys are right now, and you're making us all look bad.

My poor guys don't know what to do with themselves. David Wright made $8 million dollars this year, but he has nothing to celebrate with that money! Jose Reyes was so sad after you guys beat us last week, he went out and just started buying expensive foreign sports cars. He's running out of room in his 8 garages for Pete's sake! You guys have to put a stop to this.

Just do the right thing here. We play you all next week, and at many times during the game, our awful starting pitching not named Johan Santana is going to throw you a horrible hanging pitch that you will be tempted to drive out of the ballpark. Please, just don't. For the sake of these poor boys in New York.

They are up here suffering, eating out every night at fancy steakhouses, partying with movie stars. They don't get to live your crazy lifestyle of deathly hot weather, retirees everywhere, and a fanbase that doesn't give a crap. They can only dream of such a place. So please, throw them a bone. Do what's in the best interest of everyone and just lose from now on.

Sincerely, Jerry Manuel

The letter brought a tear to the eyes of some Marlins players, who did not realize the plight of their fellow men in New York. They dedicated their sweep by the Pirates to the Mets. They said it was very hard to lose to such a bad team three times, but they wanted to make sure the Mets had a chance to at least get a little closer in the standings.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 14 April 2009 14:38

The New York Mets opened their brand new ballpark, Citi Field, yesterday with a game against the San Diego Padres. But it was not the grand celebration the Mets had hoped for, as they lost to the visiting friars 6-,5 in a contest that showcased their franchise's ineptitude to dominate despite their superior roster. The Padres even led off the game with a homerun, the first in the new stadium.

But now, Mets officials are looking into a refund on their $800 million dollar stadium because developers claimed it would be "a luxurious and breathtaking new home that will inspire the Metropolitans to victory for years to come."

"Obviously, this thing is defective," said Mets owner Fred Wilpon. "It was supposed to give us some wins, and instead we look just like the team from the last two years that blew big leads down the stretch to the Phillies. I am trying to see if they will pay for shipping to send it back to them for a new one, but they say losses to the horrid Padres are not covered under warranty. This is a total crock."

Wilpon went on to say that since this stadium is obviously not any better than Shea, he is already looking into getting funding for a new stadium to build next to this one.

"We are going to just keep building these things until we get one that works. Citi Field is great and all, but we can do bigger and more expensive, so that's exactly what we're going to do. There is a lot of land left in Queens that is not yet a stadium, so we have a lot more chances to get one that works for us to actually win at."

The Mets should be fine for the current season though. They built enough luxuries and amenities into Citi Field to lure in the fans, who they knew would not pay just to see the Mets play. Their seats are also so comfortable most fans will fall right asleep in their chairs, and miss the part of the game where the Mets bullpen blows the big early lead.

They also want to remind fans that Citi Field is home to two of the biggest HD screens in the world. Which are the best place to watch your favorite baseball team, obviously not the Mets of course, when they show highlights of other games. So don't stay at home and watch your franchise there, come on out and tell your office buddies you watched them on the largest HDTVs in the universe. Just be sure to not glance on the awful baseball product being displayed on the actual field...

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 08 April 2009 09:47

Jose Gazpacho, a starting pitcher with the triple A affiliate of the Seattle Mariners, was revealed at having failed a drug test today by the league. The test, which is given randomly to all players who might one day enter the league, is to see if they can handle the physical and psychological demands that taking multiple steroids and narcotics can have on the body.

Gazpacho was first given cocaine, then two shots of heroin, followed by a large dose of HGH, chased by a bit of steroids, and then he was told to chug a beer really fast. He was told that tests like this are necessary to make sure he is properly prepared for what he will probably be doing after getting blown out on the road by a team like the Kansas City Royals, and with nothing to do that night than to try and entertain himself in the town of Kansas City.

But Gazpacho failed the test, as he immediately began freaking out and said that the wallpaper was trying to eat off his clothing. He then shed his close, so as to distract the wallpaper momentarily, and ran out of the team facility to the beach where he tried to swim naked "to the planet Mars, so that I can be with my native people". It was one of the biggest failed tests in the history of baseball, and they are considering a suspension of the player as a result.

"You need to be ready for these drugs if you want a callup to the big leagues," said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig. "To be competitive in today's game you are going to need to be doing several kinds of steroids, in addition to addictive narcotics. That's just the way things work out there. This is exactly why we have these random tests in place, to make sure we can catch the players out there who just aren't ready for the big time. This way we can expel them from the league so they don't cause us bad headlines later, and they can work on kicking the heroin addiction we just gave them on their own."

The Mariners organization is said to be glad they got the test results when they did, with manager Don Wakamatsu calling the test a "disgrace to the ballclub" and Gazpacho a "lightweight pussy".

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 06 April 2009 15:35

2009 brought a whole new feeling to the fans of the Colorado Rockies, a feeling of hope in the future of this franchise. After a dismal 2008 campaign, some key offseason moves had their fans feeling like this might finally be the year the team takes home a World Series title.

"It's a new season, and anything could happen!" said longtime fan Billy Gilbert. "It's a clean slate, all the records are the same. I'm ready for a possibly great season!"

But the Rockies wanted to make sure fans didn't set their sights too high for this year. And that fresh optimism lasted exactly one batter, as ace Aaron Cook gave up a leadoff homerun to the Arizona Diamondbacks Felipe Lopez.

"People had really set some lofty expectations for this team," said manager Clint Hurdle. "I wanted to make sure we showed them what kind of year it's going to be, right from the first man. I told Aaron to hang a fastball up in the zone, and let Lopez crush these silly dreams before they get out of hand. The last thing we want for the team this year is expectations, because I put this awful club together, and there is no way we are going to meet them.

"It's a tough economy out there. I want to be sure no one does something stupid like waste their money on season tickets or something. We of course lost this game after giving up 5 homeruns and 9 runs total. That is the kind of season this is going to be. I've set the tone so that there is no misunderstanding things. It was fun to think maybe this will be the year, during the offseason. But now it's begun, and with only 161 games to go, let's just admit that the dream is over. But hey, there's always next year."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 06 April 2009 15:16

It's a brand new year of baseball, and that means that your Royals are in first place! So come on out and see this team of theoretical all-stars, Kansas City! Currently ahead of traditional division powers Minnesota, Chicago, Detroit, and Cleveland, due to the fact that no games have been played so far, can your boys hold onto that standing?!

This team is loaded with talent, and now is the time to purchase tickets to see them all in person. See Gil Meche and the pitching staff that has yet to give up a single earned run all season. See hard slugging first baseman Mike Jacobs, who leads the league with a .000 batting average! Can he take home the batting title?

Get on out to the ballpark now and see if they can hold this slim division lead with only 162 games to go! If the playoffs started today, your Kansas City Royals would be in...along with every other team currently tied at 0-0. Go Big Blue!

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Written by Tim Hoffman Thursday, 05 March 2009 13:39

Ratings for this morning's 4:00 AM World Baseball Classic opening game between China and Japan were released late in the day, and they were not nearly as good as hoped. The game struggled mightily with a .3 rating, which many experts point to as further evidence of middle of the night Asian baseball's decline in popularity.

MLB commissioner Bud Selig blames the poor showing on the fact that there was an amazing dream playing at the same time in the heads of many baseball fans.

"Some guys just won't pick watching baseball over watching a sex dream featuring a winged Angelina Jolie and a talking purple salamander," said Selig in an interview with Sports Illustrated. "That's tough counter programming for any show out there."

ESPN says the low ratings for the WBC may lead to them cancelling their 4:00 AM program to renew the show that previously held the timeslot, Shamwow infomercials. Fans of Shamwow and Magic Jack have started an online campaign to get the shows back on the air after they were pre-empted this week for baseball. They are anxious to see what types of liquid are being absorbed this week, by a guy with a New Jersey accent and a Britney Spears performance headset.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Thursday, 12 February 2009 14:34

With the flashbulbs popping, and tears running down his face, Adam Dunn thanked his fans and supporters for cheering for him during his 8-year career. In a press conference held yesterday, Dunn announced that he was retiring from competitive baseball and giving up his boyhood dream of playing in a World Series, by signing with the Washington Nationals.

It was a bold move for the 29-year-old lefty to step away from the game so early, but he felt the money the Nationals were offering was just too good to pass up. Usually only a washed up veteran who had no interest anywhere else would even consider retiring to Washington, but Dunn might just be breaking the mold.

"I've been so blessed to be able to play my career on teams with at least a fighting shot of making the playoffs," said Dunn between sobs. "But now it's time to move on, do some other things with my life, like lose 13-0 consistently to a bunch of teenagers on the Florida Marlins. It's going to be tough, knowing that I left the game in my prime, but I have to think about my family."

At that point, Washington manager Manny Acta brought out his new number 32 red Nationals jersey, and Dunn broke down into tears after taking one look at it. The crowd was silent as they knew what a sad moment this must be for an athlete. Dunn then got up from his chair and attempted to run away from the press conference, but Nationals security grabbed him and held him down against the podium. He struggled, but they forced the jersey on him and buttoned it down the front.

"We want to welcome Adam to our wonderful organization," said Acta as security held up the limp and crying superstar. "We know it's never easy to retire from competitive baseball like this, but at some point everyone has to do it. Now, if you'll excuse us, I think we have some spring training games we have to get ready to lose..."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 09 February 2009 17:01

Sports Illustrated published a story in their latest issue claiming that they have been leaked the results of the 2003 banned substance tests for major league baseball, and have found out the identity of the one player who was not on steroids at that time. Carlos Rivera, a first baseman for the pirates in 03 was the only person in MLB to fail to get a positive steroids test that year.

Rivera's stats from the season, a .221 average and 3 homeruns, should have been an indication something was amiss. Players said they long suspected Rivera wasn't juicing, as he really really sucked, even for a Pirates player.

"I'm ashamed to call him a teammate," said Jason Kendall, then catcher for the Pirates. "To know that Carlos wasn't injecting himself before games to help us gain an unfair advantage, that's just not a team player. Even if he wanted to redeem himself now and juice up with me on the weekends, I don't think I'd even let him share my dirty needle. He lost that chance when he lost my respect."

Carlos conducted an exclusive interview with ESPN to talk about the story's allegations.

"I messed up," said Rivera to Peter Gammons. "I let my friends and family down, I let down the city of Pittsburgh, I let down all the children who look up to me and can't wait until they are old enough to buy the steroids the pros take, and most of all I let down all the illegal doctors who wanted to give me free experimental steroids. I'm sorry everyone. I should have been better than 10 RBI's that season, but I was young, and I didn't know what I was doing."

Gammons then asked Rivera if he was ashamed that his name would be the only one in the record books for the past decade that appeared without an asterisk by it.

"Yes, the lack of an asterisk will haunt me until the day I die. But that's the disdain I will have to live with."

While he is now a disgraced man, if all the records were to be discounted due to steroids, he is currently the active leader in homeruns since 2003 with three. As they are now forced by testing to be clean, players such as Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds have even contacted Rivera about how he achieves such power without juicing. They are attempting to duplicate his impressive unroided power numbers.

"I'm just glad I can help out some of these people," said Rivera. "Having gone through the awful ordeal of not using steroids, I think I can help them cope with having no muscles, trying so hard just to get a ball out of the infield. It's tough. I know I'm going to get laughed at when I take off my shirt at the pool and everyone sees my scrawny arms and chest. But, that's just a consequence of the choice I made back in 03, and I'll have to live with it for the rest of my life."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 26 January 2009 16:02

Joe Torre's new 477-page biography, The Yankee Years, about his time coaching in New York, has been getting a lot of buzz recently in sports outlets for its controversial content. In it, Torre talks about the selfishness of A-Rod, his mistreatment at the hands of management, and the bad personnel decisions that derailed the team after their 2000 championship. It's being talked about on sport radio and discussed on ESPN, and has sports fans actually interested in trying out books.

"This new book technology sounds really cool," said Yankees fan Norm Caldwell. "I called my son and asked about it, and apparently what they can do now is print words on a bunch of pieces of paper and then bind it with a colorful cover. They can contain all kinds of cool stuff, sometimes even pictures! He said it's a lot like the internet, only you can bring it with you. What will these inventors think of next?"

Caldwell says he is going to pick up this new book thing and give it a try.

"I've never done one of these books before, but I like to be on the cutting edge of technology. My wife even recommended I try a few, like Pride & Prejudice, War & Peace, and Harry Potter. She says they have even more words than Torre's book! This is so exciting! I even found this amazing place called The Library, where apparently you can rent books for free! You just sign up and then can take anything you want from there, it's like a free Blockbuster! I don't know how that place stays open, as it sounds like a horrible business model."

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Picture Of The Day

The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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