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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 08 June 2009 20:57

The ESPN Sports Score Ticker held a press conference today to announce that it had signed a new deal with CNN to become their new ticker. This follows the new last week that CNN's longtime ticker would be leaving the business after 22 years to retire to his ranch in Texas.

For fans of the ESPN Ticker, the announcement was bittersweet. They have relied on the ticker for years to give them the sports news they need while pretending to be actually listening to their wives talk about their day.

"I've always wanted to cover serious news," said the ESPN Ticker to his many adoring fans. "This allows me to finally live that dream of scrolling presidential news and information about which American car companies have gone bankrupt today. I'm very excited for this opportunity."

His final day will be this coming Saturday, and he promises an extra special scroll for his last broadcast. He may go with a sans-serif font, and give some really obscure fantasy baseball statistics for the hardcore ticker fans. He will be missed all around the country. ESPN has yet to name a replacement.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 01 June 2009 19:48

The WNBA announced today that they are going to stop trying to get people to remember the names of their franchises, and just go with putting advertisements on the jerseys instead. The Phoenix Mercury are the first team to institute the change, as they will just have the logo of identity theft company Lifelock on the front from now on.

With the fact that the franchises move cities so often, coupled with the fact that they play in the WNBA, people often don't even know what city or team name they are watching anyway. Some other team changes are the Detroit Shock as the Summer's Eve Douches, the Los Angeles Sparks as The Pep Boys, and the Washington Mystics now known as just The McRibb.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 04 May 2009 17:08

Horses all around the country once again held their annual celebration of being faster than humans at the Kentucky Derby on Sunday. The event, which many humans consider to be an insulting party thrown by the equines, proved once again that they are indeed the better species at running around a dirt track.

"These bastards just can't help rubbing it in our faces that they are the better species," said longtime human Marshall Gilbert. "We are so much faster than you, we can digest grass and hay, and hooves are so much better than feet. I'm tired of hearing about it. It's bad enough they are taking all our jobs, they don't have to do something like this to relish their dominance every year."

Indeed, the horseism has spread all over the country in these tough economic times. After American car companies laid off a large portion of their workers over the past decade in favor of horse laborers, many speculate that it led to a direct decline in the quality of their products. One horse spokesman said "In no way would we be deliberately sabotaging the quality of a product that itself made horses obsolete over 100 years ago...No...We would never do something like that..."

Over 140,000 people attended this year's 135rd Kentucky Derby, to watch and appease the race that may one day be our animal overlords. As is tradition, each horse participating in the race strapped a small puny human to his back, as proof that they could not possibly complete the course on their own feet. They are also forced to wear ridiculous pastel and neon colored outfits to further embarass them, while the horses are allowed to go naked.

"Look, I think we all know Americans are probably ready now to elect a horse as President," said Gilbert. "Once that happens, we're going to see a lot of anti-human laws go into effect. So, we better just start sucking up to them now." Add a comment
Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 27 April 2009 20:18

The NASCAR event Sunday at Talladega ended in dramatic fashion as Carl Edwards car flipped into the air after making contact on the final lap. The crowd and viewers at home roared as the wreck began, as they had waited all day to see something exciting like this happen, but were saddened as the car only bounced into the protective fence and back onto the track.

"Man, this wreck could have been so cool," said one fan watching at home. "A whole car almost made it into the stands where it could have smashed a bunch of people, and made the whole boring race worth watching. But no, only a little debris made it up there and hit an old lady. I saw the slow motion on the hit, and her head didn't explode or anything. I heard she has a concussion, but that certainly isn't very exciting..."

NASCAR apologized to fans for having a defective fence around the track.

"We designed this thing to give way so that we can have maximum awesomeness when a car comes off the track," said Talladega president Ron Gardner. "Something is obviously wrong here because this thing held. We had fans in that front row that paid big money for the chance to get crushed by a ton of steel, and they were let down today. We're going to work on guaranteeing possible death in the future, as it should be."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 20 April 2009 20:06

The United States was given something to cheer about today as an American runner actually finished the Boston marathon. Mitch Malone took home somethingth place in the contest. People were counting at one point, but they lost interest after the first several hundred people crossed the finish line. Malone made a statement to all the other countries from Africa and South American that traditionally dominate this contest that maybe the Americans are poised for a comeback in the sport of running.

Malone's journey was an exhausting one, as he started off strong in the pack of early race leaders. But after about an hour he found himself a little thirsty, so he stopped in a Starbucks to grab a mocha caramel frappuchino, the low-cal variety since he likes to watch his figure during a race. Things slowed down for him though, when they added a little too much caramel syrup, and he had to send it back 3 times to have them do over again. This costed him precious time, but they added extra whipped cream on top, so he overlooked the delays.

After that he continued on his epic run for a bit, before realizing he was passing his mother's house. He stopped in there for a bit to get a piece of pie, and watch a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond that happened to be on TBS. The hilariously awkward situation Raymon was able to get out of with his parents inspired Malone to take a quick poop and then continue on his journey.

He then entered what is known as death row for the American runners, a street containing no less than 20 fast food restaurants. KFC, McDonalds, Burger King, they were all passing Malone as he jogged on by them, struggling to fight the urge to super size the growing hunger in his stomach. But he remained vigilant and made the choice one of the superior Kenyan runners would probably have made, if they were overweight and had the short attention span of an American, he grabbed a bratwurst from a street vendor.

But as he polished off the sausage in a full sprint towards the finish line, the Americans watching at home cheered on this valiant man. As he crossed the line with a time just under 10 hours, he held an American flag high in the air to celebrate his accomplishment.

When asked what he will do now, Malone said he's going to Disney Land...where he will pretend he has a foot injury so he can ride in a wheelchair all day because he doesn't know if he even wants to try walking again.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 20 April 2009 20:00

The WNBA's Detroit Shock made a very special visit to the White House this week to celebrate their status as the reigning WNBA Champions. Tiger Woods, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and even the Chicago White Sox made visits there as well over the last month to celebrate their recent successes. But while Tiger Woods had an exclusive sit down dinner with President Obama, the Detroit Shock arrived to find their names not on the guest list.

"Detroit Shock...Is that an arena football team?" asked the front desk, as the girls tried to get in to see the President.

They informed them that they were a real team, and even showed the people at the desk pictures of them from last year's finals. But security refused to believe that the people in the pictures were actual women playing basketball instead of female faces photoshopped on NBA players.

The team was then told it could get into the White House with the free tour that is conducted to the public, so they opted to do that. They learned a great deal about the historic furniture that graces the various rooms of the White House, and even got to see the outside of the oval office, where the President may or may not have been at that time. They weren't allowed to know for sure due to security reasons.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 14 April 2009 14:13

The series premiere of SportsCenter: Los Angeles debuted yesterday to huge ratings and critical acclaim. Launching a new spinoff series based on the most popular sports highlights show was seen as a no brainer by television insiders. But will the new version have the same appeal as the classic?

Producers hope to get big ratings early with the casting of big names to anchor the program like character actors Matt Damon and Gary Oldman, instead of people who are actually knowledgeable about sports.

"Well, I don't know much about sports in general," said Oldman when asked about what he will bring to the show. "But I am a big British soccer fan. That is probably most of what you guys cover over here, so I imagine I'll be just fine."

Producers say the spinoff will have a darker edge than the original, and be much sexier. Matt Damon's SportsCenter anchor will read the news wrecklessly, and not by the books. Will the tension between him and the supermodel sideline reporter boil over into a passionate affair? Also dealt with will be Oldman's fighting of a drug addiction that is tearing apart his relationship with his wife, played by Susan Sarandon. The anchors will also solve a muder over the course of each program, involving witty banter and forensic analysis.

It is unknown at this point how the new series will fare, but there is a good buzz around the new harder edge. The scene from the premiere where Damon is fighting a meth dealer who may have killed his own mother, all the while calling the highlights from the Royals-Brewers game, got rave reviews from critics.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Sunday, 15 February 2009 20:07

Early this morning, rain began falling at NASCAR headquarters in Daytona Beach, FL. Officials took a look at the hard downpour, checked forecasts, did some deliberation, and then finally called the season with 35 races still to go. Fans with tickets to future events were understandably angry at the decision, as they wanted to see the drivers race it out. Luckily for Matt Kenseth, due to his winning of the rain-shortened Daytona 500, he was declared the Sprint Cup Series Champion for 2009.

"Well, I'm just in the right place at the right time," said Kenseth. "I, like all the fans, would have liked to finish this season, but these are the rules. It's been an action packed year, and I hope to see everyone again in 12 months for the 2010 cup chase, which I hope will be just as wild as this one has been."

NASCAR officials stepped out in front of what could be a big backlash about their decision to end the season on account of weather.

"Look, this rain could go on for several hours here at Daytona, where we have another race coming up in July," they said in a statement released to the press. "We also checked weather reports for racetracks we are going to be at for the next 3 weeks, and they all said chance of rain. We even talked to a meteorologist, and he said it could rain any day of the year, really. So, we just can't put our drivers at risk in conditions like that, it's too dangerous."

The press release said that NASCAR would look into revamping its weather related rules next season, or maybe add a few indoor tracks to the schedule. Despite the fact that the carbon monoxide fumes would kill everyone inside, it might be nice to finish a race every once in awhile.

EA Sports has also unveiled NASCAR Rain Delay 09, where you can control a fan in attendance at a rain postponed NASCAR event. You control what type of umbrella you use to keep from getting wet, and what activities you do to avoid getting bored while waiting for the inevitable cancellation, all in stunning next gen high definition graphics. They say this year's rain and water engine will be so lifelike, it will be just like the tears streaming down a race fan's face when they realize their Super Bowl of the season has been ended only 3/4 of the way through.

Discuss this article in the Forum!

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Written by Tim Hoffman Thursday, 12 February 2009 14:31

With the release of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue this week, it is yet again that time of year where men do a lot of voluntary shopping for women's swimwear. While sales of bikinis seldomn increase due to all the shopping, men nonetheless carefully comb through each and every page, those featuring bodypaint sometimes three or four times, to see if there are any items they can purchase for their wives and girlfriends.

"Look, I love my wife," said Jason Vega of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. "That is why I have to see what in this wonderful shopping companion I might want to buy for her. There are just so many options in here, and I love spending money on my wife's clothes, it's like a book from heaven. Oh wow, this girl is wearing a wet see-through t-shirt, I wonder if that would fit my wife... I better go think about the size comparison in the bathroom here for a little while..."

At that point Jason left the kitchen table we were sitting at for our interview and ran into the bathroom with the magazine. We waited patiently while he did whatever size comparisons needed to be done, but his wife came knocking on the door yelling at him what was taking so long.

"Leave me alone for just a few more minutes honey, I'm shopping for you!"

With that she smiled and went about her way. A few minutes later he came out of the room.

"Well, I did some in-depth size comparisons in there, and I'm just not sure if it's going to fit," he stated. "I forgot that my wife is horribly overweight and hasn't touched a treadmill in the 13 years since we've have our kids... But I am glad I went to think about it in private, I feel much more relaxed now. A lot of guys now do all of their 'shopping' on the internet, but I'm just old school."

With mother's day coming up, even Jason's son is doing a little shopping for his mother.

"Hey dad, do you think I could borrow the issue to see if there's anything I could buy for mom in there," little Timmy Vega asked.

"Sure son, but don't you let your mother see that I'm letting you borrow this, she wouldn't approve of... you shopping for her like this. And be careful with it, I don't want any of the pages sticking together. There are still many swimsuits in here I need to consider in depth."

So a final word to the women of the country who may be worried about their man's pre-occupation with looking through this month's Sports Illustrated: it's all for you. Don't worry that the males of your family keep taking it off into bathrooms and bedrooms and locking the door, there is just a lot of shopping to be done.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Thursday, 12 February 2009 14:29

Media outlets around the country are investigating reports out of Columbus that something happened yesterday relating to soccer.

"All we know at this time is that something soccery happened yesterday, maybe," said ESPN anchor Stuart Scott, on his way to find out more on the mysterious event. "As it was soccer, naturally no media was actually there covering it. But early investigations say this thing could be big. Maybe it is something about steroids, maybe Michael Phelps is there smoking in the audience, maybe they did something crazy with that ball thing they are always kicking around with their feet. Who knows, but we're going to find out."

"I don't know what's happening," exclaimed SI's Dan Patrick, also headed to Columbus for information. "It sounds like everyone has gone insane up there! People are talking like they were actually excited to go watch soccer, I have reports that the Americans won a game, and there's even some mention of a world's cup. I don't know what that is, but it sounds like one exciting glass. It better be, if I get up there and find out this whole thing is just about a nice piece of glassware, I'm going to be pissed."

More information will be made available when it is found out.

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Picture Of The Day

The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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