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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 28 January 2009 15:33

MLS's Los Angeles Galaxy loaned soccer star David Beckham to A.C. Milan during the first part of the year so that he may retain his World Cup eligibility. Beckham expressed his intention to return to MLS when their 2009 season began, as he is still under contract with the team for several more years. But this week, A.C. Milan owner Silvio Berlusconi said he would attempt to keep Beckham fulltime and buy out the remainder of his contract with the Galaxy.

At first this was met with anger from the Galaxy owners, but then they attempted to come up with a list of reasons why he should return to LA...

"Well...well now there's got to be some type of reason..." said Galaxy owner Philip Anschutz "We have a dedicated fanbase of dozens, you can find almost all our games on Spanish language AM radio, and last year we finished 13th out of 15 teams! There is a lot of potential here! Just last week I even saw we sold an LA Galaxy jersey! Yes, it was to myself, at a discount, so I could give it to my son for his birthday. And yes, he is no longer speaking to me for getting him what he called "the crappiest birthday gift ever". But the point is merchandising is on the rise!"

"Plus this is a great city to live in. We've got...tar pits! Do they have those over in Europe? How about our wonderful smog? Their smog over there is for wussies, I remember once I went to Italy and I didn't even cough or gag getting off the plane. This is a city for men, men with manly lungs. We need you David, I'm the owner of this team and still you're the only player of ours whose name I know. There is no way regular people know who our other players are. Please, Mr. Beckham, don't leave us. Also, bring that hot wife of yours back to the states, we need to give our fans something to look at. They aren't about to watch soccer."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 19 January 2009 13:58

As Dave Philips flipped off the lights, after yet another hard fought day manning the overnight shift, he thought back on his illustrious career as a server of some of the best McDonald's burgers the game has ever seen. In what likely was his last burger served in a McDonald's uniform yesterday, Philips put on his usual show, serving small amounts of meat buried in a mountain of bread like the superstar he is.

A crowd of dozens turned up to see Philips at the Philadelphia area McDonald's to see his last performance, many reminiscing about some of their fondest memories of the burger flipper.

"He was one of the fast food game's greats, possibly the greatest ever," said 64-year-old Tom Britt. "The way he could run a microwave, typing in numbers, changing the power setting from high to low, using defrost when necessary, it was unlike anything I've ever seen before. Sure, he had some bad games here and there, one time he forgot to put bacon on my Bacon Burger Deluxe, but for the most part its been a great ride having him cook my ninety-nine cent food."

Despite having played for McDonald's for his entire career, the 34 year old Philips was released after the end of this holiday season. Many note the decline in his speed as a factor for the decision, with some teammates saying he doesn't dunk the fries in oil as quick as he used to. But management insists that they would love for him to finish his career with the McDonald's store #507 team, and claim his release was based on financial considerations. As a 17 year veteran of the team, Philips was due to make $5.6 million on his contract next year. Store #507 says that would leave them little salary cap space to pay for other players.

Philips goes to the Burger King across the street to try and play out the final few years he has left in his tired body. They landed the high profile free agent with a $6.80 per hour contract. He hopes to one day capture the Employee of the Month award that has for so long eluded him. He leaves store #507 holding several franchise records including most burgers served in a career and highest order completion percentage. There is talk ownership may retire his nametag and place it on the wall, any future hires named Dave will have to choose a new name while at the store.

As Philadelphia attempts to move on without the legend who has guided their McDonald's for so long, they wonder what the future holds...

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Picture Of The Day


The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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