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NBA

Written by Tim Hoffman Friday, 05 June 2009 15:27

A new story in Sports Illustrated features a young marionette in the Los Angeles area that has come forward to say that she may have been involved in an extra-marital affair with the Kobe Bryant puppet over the last year. The marionette, a 19-year-old dancer at Captain Lucky's Puppet Theater, says she became involved with Bryant after he came to one of her shows and visited her in the backstage area.

She claims that at times Bryant was abusive towards her, and says she twice had to go to the emergency room for damage to her strings. She says that the torrid affair included bizarre acts in the bedroom where he would ask her to stick strange things into his puppet hole.

Kobe puppet's wife, the puppet of Lebron James could not be reached for comment. He did however put out a press release through his publicist saying that he was very ashamed of these allegations, and he could not believe Kobe puppet would do something like this. He also said it was unbelievable it would happen while they had their adopted son at home, an inquisitive 5-year-old puppet with glasses, whom they adopted after his mother's fatal failed bunyun surgery.

More information on this story is coming out, but for the time being Kobe puppet has professed his innocence. He says that he will buy whatever puppet jewelry for LeBron he needs to, in order to make this go away.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 02 June 2009 09:12

The Cleveland Cavaliers have unveiled some uniform changes for next season after being knocked out of the playoffs by the Orlando Magic. Starting next year, LeBron James will wear a special uniform for all games, that happens to look exactly like that of the New York Knicks.

"The Knicks and Nike have asked that they be allowed to start marketing him in Knicks gear a year early," said GM Danny Ferry. "In exchange for a nice sum of money, coupled with the fact we all know this move is inevitable, we have allowed this to happen.

"We are a bit concerned about confusion when we actually play the Knicks in a game, but the NBA says they will put extra referees on the court to make sure baskets are attributed to the proper team. League officials have been very helpful in this uniform change, and they told us whatever they needed to do to get LeBron into a major market, they would make happen."

James himself says he is looking at next year as a good tryout of the blue and orange.

"This will be a great way to see if just putting on that uniform will make me as bad as the rest of that franchise has been for the last decade," said James when asked about the new uni. "Plus I don't have to wear that awful red thing anymore, I get royalties from all new jersey sales, and I can stand out better so that my teammates can feed me the ball for 30-40 shots per game. This way, I don't see a reason why I can't take every shot our team attempts next year. It's going to be great, I just love New Yo...I mean Cleveland. It's a great city."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 04 May 2009 21:55

The Boston Celtics found themselves trailing by 18 points at the half of their most recent game against the Orlando Magic in the Eastern Conference Playoffs. But not to let the Magic claim a 3-1 lead in the series, the Celtics stayed on the court during halftime as Orlando headed to the locker room.

As a result, the Celts dominated halftime, scoring 21 unanswered points and taking a 3 point lead as the game resumed. The Orlando crowd booed heavily as they scored bucket after bucket without opposition and watched the Magic lead slip away.

"Well, I thought about taking them into the locker room and giving them an inspirational speech to get back into this thing," said head coach Doc Rivers. "But I said, maybe staying out here will be the best way to do that instead. Sure enough, it worked and we were able to come from behind and get a victory because of it."

The Magic said they will focus on their halftime play before the next game in Boston.

"Halftime has been our worst period for scoring this whole season," said Dwight Howard. "This still seems like cheating to me, but I guess we should have stayed out there on the court when we saw them continue playing even after the buzzer."

Big Baby Davis says he is confident his team can take down any other at the half.

"Look, do whatever you want in that locker room," he said. "Drink some Gatorade, say a prayer, get taped up. We'll be out here on the court dunking on your ass."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 22 April 2009 17:44

Like the Arizona Cardinals Larry Fitzgerald in this year's NFL playoffs, Derrick Rose is having a coming out party of his own so far in round one of the NBA playoffs. The Chicago Bulls point guard made his playoff debut a big one, scoring 36 points and adding 11 assists in their opening win over the Celtics.

But it was not until after the game when being interviewed by a locker room reporter that things got awkward. When asked how he felt about having such a big coming out party in his first game he replied with an answer that shocked everyone.

"It feels great, now that the whole world knows I'm gay!" Rose shouted, making everyone in the locker room stop and stare.

"What do you mean you're gay? That really wasn't what I meant..." continued the reporter.

"I'm gay, I'm so gay!" he replied. "You know that gay sex thing you always are hearing about with the penises and the butts and the whole deal? I love that stuff! It just feels so good to come out and say it, get it off my chest. You're so right! And you're throwing me a party for it? I hope there's a cake, and I hope it's shaped like the part of a man I love to eat in my bedroom as well...

"I've had to load up all this rap music on my iPod here just to fit in, but I really only listen to the Streisand and Cher I put on this thing. It just gets me charged up to get out there and commit a hard charging foul on another man!"

"Is there anything else you've been secretly wanting to tell the world, Mr. Rose?" asked the reported.

"Yes...There's something I've wanted to say since I first got here in Chicago..." began Derrick. "I want to redecorate this locker room! Makeover! The colors and furniture in here is so passe! And I want to put a nice set of drapes with a floral pattern on my locker, that would make it really pop. I've been wanting to tell everyone this all my life, but I never had the courage to just come out and do it. Thank you for the inspiration!"

"I...uh...actually didn't mean that kind of coming out party..." answered the reported.

"Huh...oh...well then...shit..." Rose hung his head and silently went to the showers, where everyone else on the team quickly fled.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 14 April 2009 13:43

The nation's sympathy goes out today to Flip Saunders and his family, who this news organization has learned just agreed to become the next head coach of the Washington Wizards. Details of the hiring are still coming out, but it's speculated that the Wizards somehow have tricked the poor man into signing an agreement to be in charge of the horrible franchise. That is the only reason someone would possibly take over the worst team in the Eastern Conference.

We have been told that D.C. area police are investigating possible crimes committed by the Wizards to make this happen.

"We are looking at the possibility they are holding Flip's family hostage," said police chief Jason Castro. "Maybe they have poisoned him with a radioactive poison that only they have the antidote to. Perhaps he is an alien, and they are going to destroy his homeworld through making them watch their incredibly horrible basketball play. Anything is a possibility here, but one thing is for sure, and that's no man would choose to take over this team of his own volition. We will get to the bottom of this."

TSC will keep following this story and update our readers when more information or any arrests are made.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 01 April 2009 14:51

Doc Rivers announced today that scientists from the Boston Celtics would be shutting down Kevin Garnett for repairs until the playoffs. Rivers said Garnett's knee has not been healing as well as the team would have hoped, so they were going to unplug him and remove his primary power circuits for a general repair.

"Something is clearly wrong with this model of Kevin Garnett," said Dr. Bashir, one of the creators of the cyborg seven-footer. "He has not won a championship for Boston in almost a year, and that is just not what he was programmed to do. When the Celtics hired me to build him, they wanted a player so great he could win 5 or 6 NBA titles per season, but not turn on mankind and make us all into robot-serving slaves. Last year was an absolute failure with just the one, so we'll try to improve this time around."

The scientist at Celtics Labs will go in and completely rebuild the knee from scratch, and have even considered replacing his entire legs with a hover craft or tank treads. There is nothing in league rules expressly forbidding a hovercraft, so the team hopes this could provide an edge in the playoffs over hovercraft-less centers like Dwight Howard.

Bashir's work as a cybernetics genius has come under fire recently as several of his models have failed to perform up to their expectations. But he says he expects his repairs on the David Ortiz and the Tom Brady to bring home more Boston championships next year.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 02 March 2009 15:10

The Sacramento Kings made it official today that they would be retiring from the NBA following the season, ending months of speculation by fans and pundits. It has been a tough couple of final years for the 64-year-old franchise, whose diminishing skills and wins this season have become readily apparent.

Kings mascot Slamson the Lion served as spokesperson for the franchise when they announced the retirement to the press. All players, coaches, and employees will be retired, as they obviously do not have any business working or playing in the NBA. 

"Look, we all remember our glory days back in the 40s," said an emotional Slamson. "We were the young rookie franchise, winning championships with our flashy new logo and high scoring offense that averaged almost 60 points a game. We were on fire! But time has taken its toll, and we realize it's time to hang up the purple uniforms once and for all."

"We want to thank all the fans who have supported us throughout our career as a franchise, and want to say that we are not done yet. We have been signed by ESPN to be the color commentators on their NBA broadcasts. It will be Mike Tirico and the entire Sacramento Kings you now hear during your games. It's been a challenge finding 100 or so microphones for all our employees, but it's going to be fun to get so many voices chiming in on the action."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 23 February 2009 16:49

In a tearful press conference today in Houston, Tracy McGrady announced he would have season ending knee surgery this week. The announcement left fans and media in Houston wondering who would be there to lead the Rockets to a first round exit in the playoffs.

Yao Ming, normally the Rockets second best playoff collapser, has actually looked improved this season, with averages of 19.8 points and 9.6 rebounds per game. Some are wondering if Yao can shoulder the load of failing for two all-stars in the postseason. 

"This just hurts, to have to step away so early like this," said McGrady. "I know this city expects more of me. They expect an amazing scoring average in the regular season, and then to see me play like a rookie in his first game when we get to the playoffs. It's comforting to know I'll be there every year, taking unnecessary shots and making risky passes.

"I'm also sorry to all the fans in visiting cities, who know whenever they see us on the first round schedule, they can go ahead and order their tickets for the second. I'm sorry to all the dads out there who use me as a cautionary tale to their kids of someone who has wasted their potential for greatness by failing when it counts. I'm sorry to everyone. But I promise, I will be back next year, and this time with a bad knee! This could be my biggest letdown yet!"

And with that the fans in attendance began chanting "T-Mac" loudly. But now the city of Houston is still faced with the very real and scary possibility of winning a playoff series, and being forced to care about the NBA Playoffs for more than a week. They are attempting to put on a brave face. But inside, the people of Houston are very scared, now that their hero has fallen...

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Written by Tim Hoffman Sunday, 15 February 2009 20:03

With a horrible defensive effort last night, the Eastern Conference was officially eliminated from the NBA season after their tough loss to the Western Conference. Looking like they had never even played together before yesterday, the East looked downright confused at times, as the West rang them up for 146 points. With the loss, the East's season ends on a sour note, and they will only get to watch the rest of the year from their couches.

"This loss hurts," said the Eastern Conference star player LeBron James. "To get eliminated from the season so early, I thought we really had a chance at making a deep run this year. But to lose to a bad team like the West, that is what caught me totally by surprise. These guys barely made it into the season at all, and then they bounce us in the first round. I guess we need to blow up this conference and rebuild, bring in some young kids and hopefully turn this thing around. This might take awhile, we've got a lot of big names on this team. We might not make it back into the season for a couple years."

With the win, the Western Conference will go on to play itself in the next round of the season. But some stars were happy to get past the team that has haunted them in the past.

"Those guys are really scrappy," said Kobe Bryant. "I'm glad to eliminate them this early though, because it seems like every year, there is some team from that conference that ends up in the NBA Finals. Even in their down years, they seem to somehow get a team in the Finals. I guess they just turn it on for the playoffs or something..."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 21 January 2009 16:38

In this day and age, franchise loyalty is often considered a thing of the past. But nowhere is that more apparent than with Team USA, the gold medal winning franchise, whose player exodus in the offseason saw every one of their stars go to new teams. Residents of the United States felt betrayed by the play for money by their free agents.

"It just doesn't feel right," said Wilbur Reynolds. "We win a championship with this great nucleus of players like Kobe Bryant, Lebron James, Dwight Howard, and then they all up and leave for the big dollars. We were just getting to know these kids and watch them gel into something great, and then it's time to start building a team again."

It's hard for a small market team like the United States to keep talented players once they prove themselves on the court. Chris Paul played exceptionally well over the summer, only to sign with the New Orleans Hornets when the season began. The same for Howard in Orlando and Kobe in Los Angeles, the allure of playing for actual money and more than once every 4 years just proves too much for the fledgling USA franchise's hopes of keeping players.

"I enjoyed my time with Team USA, I really did," said Paul. "We had some fun, it was good being in a small market when I was getting my name out there. But they just can't pay the big bucks to resign players. Everyone knows what their owners, the United States Government, is going through right now. They might go out of business soon with this economy the way it is. I had to make to move to something stable."

And so the smalltown Team USA franchise and its fans will soldier on. Knowing that once every four years they will put together a damn good team, only to see it get dismantled the following season, much like the Florida Marlins. They will be stuck with outdated jerseys and broken dreams, but despite the hard feelings they have hope for those who move on from the team.

"It's a special feeling watching them play now," said Hank Gustaphson. "I can tell my kids that I watched Dwyane Wade back when he played for us, back before he was a real superstar. That's a nice thing to be able to say. But as good as it feels, with how many people we lost to free agency, Team USA is really going to suck this year. I predict no Olympic medals..."

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Picture Of The Day


The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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