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College Football

Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 12 January 2009 17:14

When viewers attempted to tune their televisions into ESPN last night, they found nothing but a test tone and a picture of Dick Vitale wearing an indian headdress. It turns out the channel was arrested last night in Gainesville, where they were caught by police performing oral sex on Tim Tebow in a parking garage. It was the first time in known history an entire network has been caught in a sex scandal at once.

Details of the incident are still coming out, but apparently ESPN began seeing Tebow romantically shortly after he led the Gators to their second national title in three years. As soon as he led them to a victory, many within the network began to regale him with praise, with talk about how he was the greatest college quarterback of all time. It seemed every show and pundit on the channel was madly in love with Tebow, with many on message boards urging the two to "just get a room already".

But yesterday their love of Tebow was taken a step too far, as the entire network was caught by police with Tebow in several large tour busses in Gainesville. Apparently they had run out of ways to give Tebow praise on each of their shows, and decided to round up all the anchors and drive down to let their tongues do the praising.

"This whole thing is just shameful," said Police Chief Richard Kirkman. "We had 50 or so sports anchors and pundits here, most of them men, and all apparently engaged in acts of oral sex with this young quarterback. Public lewdness and fornication is illegal here, and we intend to see that this entire network does some time."

"Look, sometimes you just get carried away," said analyst Woody Paige. "When a young man throws such a high, tight spiral, and has the running ability of a stout healthy ox...it....it just becomes too much to handle. How can any sports fan not want to put him in their mouth?"

As evidence of the love affair the network has had with Tebow the police confiscated 32 espn.com articles about him being the best college player ever, 26 hours of ESPN radio interviews about his offensive skills being unstoppable, and an awkward video recorded by Michael Wilbon's cellphone that is apparently 13 minutes of Tebow showering. Wilbon denied the cellphone was his, but vowed to find the owner and ask him why he had the phone numbers of his wife, friends, and family in there.

Despite denials by most pundits, Lee Corso declared quite the opposite. "The law can't stand in the way of our love!" said an exasperated Corso. "This guy is so good, so damn good, and you want us to stop all the talk about him being the best player ever? No! I don't remember anyone who has ever impressed us all this much with their game-changing ability, so he deserves it. Well, I do remember a fellow named Reggie Bush who we all loved, but that was so long ago...Oh, and Vince Young, but...oh, and Michael Vick...Well, there has not been anyone like Tim Tebow in at least 2 years, and it is very exciting."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 07 January 2009 16:18

Zach Franklin, a 1st semester art major at the University of Georgia, announced today that he was forgoing the final 3.5 years of college to declare for the NFL draft, in a posting made on his myspace page. Despite never playing a down of football in his life, Franklin feels college may not be right for him after being dumped by his high school girlfriend and having his brilliant comic book illustrations misunderstood to be crap.

Mel Kiper Jr. broke down what Franklin can bring to a team, in a segment on his radio program. "This guy brings a lot to an NFL organization. He has quite a collection of comic books, ironic t-shirts, goth jewelry, and many self-written scripts for movies about ninjas and schoolgirls. It's going to be hard for opponents to prepare to face Franklin on the field, when they have to research his sad sad background of no sex and many long World Of Warcraft sessions. It's such a pathetic story, anyone would have trouble hitting this kid."

Other scouts critiqued Zach's body with some saying that he was built "like a skinny little pussy", but with the potential to become "the kind of skinny pussy you don't want to mess with, because he might be carrying a gun under his Hot Topic trenchcoat." Some have even said he has the potential to be as good as Ryan Leaf.

Franklin created a Youtube video to showcase his talents to scouts, showing him doing "football-like activities" such as catching a toilet paper roll and horse-collar tackling his 11-year-old sister. Kiper said the video was very impressive, but not because of the football-like activities, but because he also mixed together his favorite scenes from The Dark Knight at the end, and that is a really sweet movie.

When asked of the chances of Zach Franklin being drafted by an NFL team like themselves, a representative for the Detroit Lions said, "Sure, I can see it happening. He doesn't seem all that worse than people we have drafted in recent history."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 07 January 2009 16:03

"There has been a great deal of clamor for a +1 system to be added to the current BCS Bowl format," said BCS chairman Rich Wallace in a press conference held today. "The current Utah-Texas-USC debate, as well as past years, have shown us that we may need to indeed add a +1 to our games. That is why I am here to announced that starting in 2009, we will have one extra team in the BCS National Championship Game!

"That's right, for the first time ever there will be a third team playing football at the same time as the other two. Just imagine, Oklahoma vs. Florida vs. USC! Plus that means we are still giving you Texas and Utah to argue about after it's over! It's the best of both worlds!"

Wallace went on to tell those in attendance that they had stadium designers working on a unique triangle shaped field for next year with 3 endzones. The rules for the game will, of course, have to be changed to accommodate the new field and extra team. One team is on offense and can choose to drive to any endzone they wish. The team who they are attacking in turn gets to play defense, while the team who is not being driven on can not defend directly, but they can make disparaging comments about the offensive team such as criticizing their weight or insulting their mothers. USC has already hired an Assistant Your Mother Coordinator for next season in preparation.

"This is finally going to make everyone shut up about that third team who everyone feels should have won the title," continued Wallace. "Now we only have to hear about the next 3 teams with similar records and opponents who were kept out of the new 3-way game. That's 25% less complaining than we had this year, and that's real progress."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 05 January 2009 16:28

Friends of Jerry Williams, a resident of San Juan, California, are pumped about tonight's Fiesta Bowl.

"This is it baby!" said friend Kirk Sanchez. "We have been waiting all month for today's Mexican restaurant night! Every week we go out to dinner together with our wives and have something to drink. And tonight we go to Don Juan's, which has these big amazing food bowls. This one called the Fiesta Bowl is just to die for, it has beans, cheese, chips, rice, salsa, beef, and it's still cheaper than all the rest!"

"I mean, the food items we have playing together in tonight's bowl are delicious," said Jerry. "Cheese, beans, where do you go wrong with those? Even though it's one of the lesser bowls, I dare say they belonged in the big Burrito Caliente Spanish Championship Bowl, their most expensive one. I mean that thing has guacamole and pork playing in it. Who really wants to eat that? These ingredients were much more deserving."

"I don't know who I favor in tonight's Fiesta Bowl," said other friend Bruce Wilson. "I'm kind of leaning towards the beef as my favorite, but beans have a good pass rush right out my colon the next day. It's really a toss-up. One thing is for certain, and that's even though these ingredients may not have been deemed the most expensive by the food writers of the nation, we are happy to let them play in our mouths."

When asked if they would be watching any of tonight's Fiesta Bowl between Texas and Ohio State, they all answered no.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Thursday, 01 January 2009 19:43

After another sub-par year for Notre Dame football, head coach Charlie Weis vows big changes on the horizon for next season. He says that in order to change the results on the field, they are going to have to change their entire team identity.They will start by no longer being known as the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, but the Passive Aggressive Irish.

Instead of their old defensive methods of attempting to tackle the opposing team, they will express their desire for them not to get into the endzone by not speaking to them for a long time or maybe not inviting them to the annual Christmas party. Charlie Weis has already begun deploying his passive aggressive mind games against USC for next season when he did not include them in a Top 5 college teams bulletin he posted on his Facebook. We will have to wait and see if this technique can stop them from beating them by 30 points again next year.

"We just don't have the athletes to fight head to head against these big programs," said Weis. "That is why we are changing the name of the team. We aren't going to be able to establish a power running game over Michigan's athletes, but we can not call them for a couple of weeks and see if that throws them off guard long enough to get some touchdowns. Look, this is the best plan I could come up with..."

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Picture Of The Day


The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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