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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 07 July 2010 22:13
Mary Watkins of Billings, Montana told the local paper today that she is hopeful she will win tonight's LeBron James lottery.

 

"I am told he'll make his decision tonight on who he'll be signing with, and it could be anybody" said Mrs. Watkins in a phone interview. "I don't know anything about him or basketball, but I've always wanted to own a black man, and everyone seems to think this LeBron James is the best one of those. I can't wait! I can't believe he's just going to sign with anybody live on national TV! This is so exciting!"

Mary, is a well known racist in Billings, who has tried repeatedly to order a black person from shopping website Amazon.com, only to have two accounts closed by their customer service department. She also is the only member of the town's White History Month committee, responsible for creating events that celebrate the struggles of the caucasian people.

When asked why she should be favored over the Miami Heat, Cleveland Cavaliers, or New York Knicks for LeBron, she cited her delicious lemonade recipe she promises to make for him every day if he completes his farm work. She also said that he wouldn't have to work with so many scary black people at her house, like he would on an NBA team.

When LeBron was asked for comment on Mrs. Watkins hope to purchase him into slavery he said "Who knows where I'm going to sign! It could be with this whacked out white lady! You'll have to tune in tonight at 9PM, only on ESPN, to find out!"

 

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Written by Matt Webb Tuesday, 29 June 2010 22:54
The rulings have been questionable, the criticism has been harsh, and the call for change has reached vuvuzela pitch in South Africa. Since its inception FIFA has refused to stray far from its roots; choosing to keep its advancing clock, its limited substitution rules, and its nut-hugging, European-style shorts. FIFA has even successfully thwarted off a strong American push to either change the official name of the sport to soccer or to switch to a more oblong ball. The organization has never felt the sort of pressure that it has faced during this year’s World Cup, and the calls for Instant Replay continue to come. Always the contrarian group, sources have confirmed that FIFA officials will instead announce that, beginning with the 2014 World Cup, they will add something they are calling "Instant Reenactment" to the beautiful game.

“We understand the need for review when a decisive call is in doubt,” confirmed a FIFA official who refused to be named.  “Our desire is to balance the need for limited review while still preserving the integrity of the game. We have found a way to preserve that human element by utilizing Instant Reenactment.”  According to the official, FIFA has already began the process of hiring a group of Civil War enthusiasts and teaching them basic soccer skills. After four years of training with the best coaches and professional actors, the hope is that the group will be proficient enough to reenact questionable calls.  FIFA’s plan is to allow each team one challenge per half. Once a play is challenged, the referee will call for the FIFA International Reenactment Troupe who will perform a reenactment of the controversial play between the North and the South. After viewing the reenactment from an optimum position, the official can choose to confirm or overrule his previous call.   

Due to its vast network of insiders, TSC was able to gain exclusive access to the training site of the troupe in a remote location in the mountains of Virginia. The actors were hard at worked and seemed excited about the chance to star on the world stage in front of millions of fans. “As horrible as soccer officiating is, we know both teams will be using all their challenges. That’s four improvisational skits per match that we need to be ready for.” said John Fulsom, a General in the Union’s 8th Regiment and one of the trainers of the players. “We look at this as a way to help FIFA correct its reputation for game-altering mistakes, while bringing recognition to the American Civil War. People don’t realize that soccer was big with the Union troops.  Lincoln personally loved the game, and the Union troops used to play matches during downtimes using defective cannonballs. Of course the games were low-scoring and they had to replace the goalies after every shot.”



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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 14 April 2009 14:38

The New York Mets opened their brand new ballpark, Citi Field, yesterday with a game against the San Diego Padres. But it was not the grand celebration the Mets had hoped for, as they lost to the visiting friars 6-,5 in a contest that showcased their franchise's ineptitude to dominate despite their superior roster. The Padres even led off the game with a homerun, the first in the new stadium.

But now, Mets officials are looking into a refund on their $800 million dollar stadium because developers claimed it would be "a luxurious and breathtaking new home that will inspire the Metropolitans to victory for years to come."

"Obviously, this thing is defective," said Mets owner Fred Wilpon. "It was supposed to give us some wins, and instead we look just like the team from the last two years that blew big leads down the stretch to the Phillies. I am trying to see if they will pay for shipping to send it back to them for a new one, but they say losses to the horrid Padres are not covered under warranty. This is a total crock."

Wilpon went on to say that since this stadium is obviously not any better than Shea, he is already looking into getting funding for a new stadium to build next to this one.

"We are going to just keep building these things until we get one that works. Citi Field is great and all, but we can do bigger and more expensive, so that's exactly what we're going to do. There is a lot of land left in Queens that is not yet a stadium, so we have a lot more chances to get one that works for us to actually win at."

The Mets should be fine for the current season though. They built enough luxuries and amenities into Citi Field to lure in the fans, who they knew would not pay just to see the Mets play. Their seats are also so comfortable most fans will fall right asleep in their chairs, and miss the part of the game where the Mets bullpen blows the big early lead.

They also want to remind fans that Citi Field is home to two of the biggest HD screens in the world. Which are the best place to watch your favorite baseball team, obviously not the Mets of course, when they show highlights of other games. So don't stay at home and watch your franchise there, come on out and tell your office buddies you watched them on the largest HDTVs in the universe. Just be sure to not glance on the awful baseball product being displayed on the actual field...

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 23 February 2009 15:43

After 13 seasons of toiling at or near the top of the divisional and conference standings, Marvin Harrison asked for his release today from the Indianapolis Colts. After over a decade of success, being a part of the greatest QB-wide receiver tandem in history along with Peyton Manning, Harrison has long wanted to see what the bottom of the standings are like.

"I have a dream," began Harrison in an interview with ESPN. "I have a dream of not caring about whether we win or lose only two months into the season, because we are so far out of first. I have a dream of not having to actually stay in shape and compete hard for a roster spot, because my team only drafts wide receiving busts and people of questionable character. I have a dream of being able to just sit at home and watch the playoffs on my comfortable new couch, with my plasma TV and surround sound, instead of having to go get all sweaty and play in them. By asking for my release today, I'm hoping one team out there can let me live this dream."

Several suitors have lined up to try and grab the future Hall Of Famer. The Bengals and Lions especially have prepared presentations about their long history of horrible play and divisional showings. The Lions presented a plan about how Harrison will never have to attend a practice, because even without them he will be much better than anything else they have. The Bengals showed him the luxurious facility where they held their "Ha Ha, The Steelers Have To Play 3 Extra Games" themed Super Bowl Party.

Marvin is said to be considering both offers very seriously, although the Cardinals have come in late to say not to rule them out. They say that last year was just a fluke, and to not worry, they will be back to their old ways in 2009.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 30 June 2010 20:25
The NBA talk shows and websites have been abuzz the past several months with where exactly LeBron James will end up next season. That buzz has only intensified over the course of the last several weeks, as we come down to the wire on a time when he will have to make his decision. But one team has quietly used all that publicity to make a big move that will surely shake up the NBA next year.

The Milwaukee Bucks announced today that while every other team is bickering and fighting over LeBron James, they have secretly signed all 42 other NBA free agents. The move doesn't ensure they will have the best team next year, but certainly the largest.

"We have won the free agency game," said GM John Hammond in a press conference today. "Paul Pierce? Got him. Dirk Nowitzki? He's ours. Chris Bosh? He's one of our 11 centers we now have on this roster. Everyone was out there trying to lure in LeBron, and we snuck in and got everyone else! The power is ours!"

He then let out a loud prolonged supervillain laugh and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

The move puts the Bucks at well over the roster limit with 51 active players on their roster, and offering everyone lucrative enough contracts to come immediately means their payroll is at around $500 million dollars. But Hammond isn't worried, saying he is just happy they won free agency, and he's sure they can figure out all the numbers later.

It was unknown how Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh would work together on the Miami Heat if they were to end up there, but it's even more unknown how the 2 dozen superstars on the Bucks will be able to co-exist. It's predicted each player will only see about 4-6 minutes per game, even if they are a starter.

"One thing's for sure, we're gonna have a great bench," said Hammond. "Well, I guess I should say benches, or on second thought I'll probably need to buy us some bleachers for the sideline."

One lucky fan was even able to capitalize on the Bucks willingness to sign any free agent. Nick Davies, an Apple Store employee from Milwaukee is now a member of the roster after a little deception. "So I was just walking by their offices at the arena, and I saw a sign saying "Welcome Free Agents". I went in, put my name down, and sure enough I'm now making $3 million dollars next year to play Power Forward! I'm only 5 foot 4! I love it!"

The NBA is still reviewing the legitimacy of the 42 free agent pickups.

 

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Written by Tim Hoffman Saturday, 26 June 2010 10:42


After a disappointing loss to Ghana in the round of 16 at the World Cup, an infuriated United States immediately declared war on the country that ousted them 2-1 in extra time.

"America was so close to getting into soccer," said President Barack Obama. "After that exciting last minute win over Algeria we were all in Landon Donovan and...that goalkeeper guy that wears the different shirt. We almost knew two soccer players names at one time! But then Ghana comes in an destroys that dream. They will pay for this, our army will make sure of that!"

But the military action may prove more difficult than originally thought, as no one seems to know where the country of Ghana is on a map, nor had they heard of it before this World Cup. Senior Pentagon officials subpoenaed game prep documents from the soccer game's announcers and were able to surmise it's in Africa, but it will take some time to pinpoint the exact location for an invasion.

"I don't know where this country is, but we're gonna just take the navy over there, and drive around until we find it," said one General who asked to remain nameless. "I'm sure there will be a sign or something in the ocean telling us where it is. Once we find them, we're gonna lay the hammer down with the full power of our military might!"

"I tried to get the President to authorize me to finish the job Bush started in destroying New Orleans, after they beat my Jets in the Super Bowl, but he wouldn't allow it. I'm glad he's finally come around to realize sports revenge is a necessity. They may have beat us in a soccer game, but we'll see who still has a country not in smoldering ruins come next week..."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 22 April 2009 18:00

A letter from the New York Mets was delivered today to the Florida Marlins club offices in Miami. It was written by Mets manager Jerry Manuel, on behalf of his team. Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria gathered his club together in the locker room so that he could read the heartfelt letter to them. It read as follows:

Dear Florida Marlins,

I am writing you on behalf of my players here who you have painfully embarassed through the first three weeks of the season. Do you guys like being mean? Is that it? You have no payroll and no big stars, yet you are out here knocking down my innocent players into 4th place? This is supposed to be where you guys are right now, and you're making us all look bad.

My poor guys don't know what to do with themselves. David Wright made $8 million dollars this year, but he has nothing to celebrate with that money! Jose Reyes was so sad after you guys beat us last week, he went out and just started buying expensive foreign sports cars. He's running out of room in his 8 garages for Pete's sake! You guys have to put a stop to this.

Just do the right thing here. We play you all next week, and at many times during the game, our awful starting pitching not named Johan Santana is going to throw you a horrible hanging pitch that you will be tempted to drive out of the ballpark. Please, just don't. For the sake of these poor boys in New York.

They are up here suffering, eating out every night at fancy steakhouses, partying with movie stars. They don't get to live your crazy lifestyle of deathly hot weather, retirees everywhere, and a fanbase that doesn't give a crap. They can only dream of such a place. So please, throw them a bone. Do what's in the best interest of everyone and just lose from now on.

Sincerely, Jerry Manuel

The letter brought a tear to the eyes of some Marlins players, who did not realize the plight of their fellow men in New York. They dedicated their sweep by the Pirates to the Mets. They said it was very hard to lose to such a bad team three times, but they wanted to make sure the Mets had a chance to at least get a little closer in the standings.

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Written by Matt Webb Monday, 28 June 2010 22:14
He is a man with a vision, and that vision has absolutely nothing to do with NBA free agency.  This according to Cleveland’s mayor Frank G. Jackson, who at his weekly press conference claimed that his idea to officially change the name of his city to “Jamesville” and the fact the city’s brightest star is considering a move to a bigger stage this summer are in no way related.  

“I ran on the platform of change,” said Jackson, “and what better way to bring about that change than to just change your name?  Do you realize we’ve been calling ourselves Cleveland since 1796?!?!  To me that says something. . .this is 2010, and a lot has changed.  People expect something new.”  Jackson brushed aside the suggestion that the proposal would be viewed as a last-ditch, desperate plea to get LeBron James to re-sign with the Cavs.  “This has absolutely nothing to do with LeBron James resigning with the Cleveland…excuse me, with the Jamesville Cavaliers,” said Jackson.  “Sure, we want Mr. James to resign and yes, our city’s very survival may depend on it; but there is more to this city than LeBron James.  We have the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, we have a beautiful riverfront somewhere, and I’m fairly sure we have a zoo here too because I remember seeing elephants.” 

When the mayor was reminded that the city is also home to the Indians and the Browns, Jackson and the entire room erupted in spontaneous laughter after which he simply responded, “let’s be serious.”

Jackson went on to explain that he settled on the name Jamesville earlier this year after reading a book about the Founding Fathers of the United States.  When asked on which particular Founding Father Jackson had based the name Jamesville, he paused before replying “I think a lot of them were named James.”  Jackson then vigorously defended his decision to repeal all property taxes for any person making over $15 million annually and living in LeBron James’ house as something that “had been in the works for years,” and stated that the new King James Basketball Center being built in the heart of downtown was not in honor of LeBron, but instead in memory of “the guy who translated the Bible.”

Following the press conference, it was rumored that Chicago’s mayor announced a plan to change the name of Six Flags Great America to LBJ’s Superstar Basketball Funland.  The mayor’s office could not be reached for comment, but we can only assume the change is related to the 36th president of the U.S. and not to LeBron James.
 
 
 
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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 04 May 2009 19:03

Despite her tell-all book on Alex Rodriguez coming out this week, Sports Illustrated's Selena Roberts may soon find herself out of a job. In her new book she reveals brand new scandals about A-Rod that have the entire sports world talking, such as high school steroids and pitch-tipping.

But her editors reveal that she may be out of good A-Rod stories to tell. Sources inside SI reveal that her latest pieces, "A-Rod Has Alien Baby With Queen Of Marxuus 11" and "Rodriquez Ate Cal Ripken To Absorb His Shortstop Power" are a bit of a stretch, even for them.

"I am still a great sportswriter, and I will prove to these doubters that there are still scandals out there I have no yet accused him of," fired back Roberts. "I spent all day going through books about baseball cheating, and I think I've found a few more of these I can get to stick on him. If you thought steroids were wild, wait until you hear about his spitballs when he turns a double play."

Her editors then suggested to Roberts that maybe she try to write about something other than A-Rod, but her response was "I don't understand what that means..."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 04 May 2009 17:08

Horses all around the country once again held their annual celebration of being faster than humans at the Kentucky Derby on Sunday. The event, which many humans consider to be an insulting party thrown by the equines, proved once again that they are indeed the better species at running around a dirt track.

"These bastards just can't help rubbing it in our faces that they are the better species," said longtime human Marshall Gilbert. "We are so much faster than you, we can digest grass and hay, and hooves are so much better than feet. I'm tired of hearing about it. It's bad enough they are taking all our jobs, they don't have to do something like this to relish their dominance every year."

Indeed, the horseism has spread all over the country in these tough economic times. After American car companies laid off a large portion of their workers over the past decade in favor of horse laborers, many speculate that it led to a direct decline in the quality of their products. One horse spokesman said "In no way would we be deliberately sabotaging the quality of a product that itself made horses obsolete over 100 years ago...No...We would never do something like that..."

Over 140,000 people attended this year's 135rd Kentucky Derby, to watch and appease the race that may one day be our animal overlords. As is tradition, each horse participating in the race strapped a small puny human to his back, as proof that they could not possibly complete the course on their own feet. They are also forced to wear ridiculous pastel and neon colored outfits to further embarass them, while the horses are allowed to go naked.

"Look, I think we all know Americans are probably ready now to elect a horse as President," said Gilbert. "Once that happens, we're going to see a lot of anti-human laws go into effect. So, we better just start sucking up to them now." Add a comment

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Picture Of The Day


The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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