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Written by Brett Lay Monday, 13 September 2010 07:00

Troy Aikman and Joe Buck just surpassed John Madden and Pat “I shot Billy the Kid” Summerall as the Fox network’s longest-tenured broadcasting team.

“I can remember when we used to use telegraphs for play by plays,” stated Troy Aikman, half of the broadcast duo for Fox Sports, before slamming the empty shot glass on the table. “And I can’t tell you how often Joe would be in a shootout in whatever local saloon we were at, and then just come dragging in right before broadcast, bleeding profusely but soundly drunk.”

Buck added, “It was much harder before all the high def cameras and what not. You try to figure out which team is which when everything around is in Sepia tone.”

Aikman reminisces “I remember when Joe had to run onto the field and attempt to paint yellow lines where the first down markers would go by hand. And he had to get it done before each snap of the ball, or he would be trampled to death by the horses. People nowadays don’t even know how hard it used to be.”

(Editor’s note: In the late 1800’s, football was originally played on horseback, much like polo. However in the early 1900’s, a leather ball replaced the customary 6-shooter that most teams just used to kill each other.)

“I remember when it was sensible violence. No concussions back then,” joked Aikman. “Just good old-fashioned headshots. Also, things just seemed to go in slow motion more often, but I’m not sure why. It probably had to do with the cool Dobro and harmonica music that always played in the background.”

Things were not always so rosy for the duo, though. “Back in prohibition, Aikman here ran a still back behind the old Jenkins’ barn. It’s little know that we were the first official supplier to the NFL for bootleg liquor,” Joe stated. “But then contracts got a little iffy, there were some conflicts of interest, and we almost lost the booth.” Troy added “But it worked out all right, the league just bought the rights to my still, and we moved right along, didn’t skip a beat.”

The future continues to look bright for Joe and Troy.

“We are in this for the long haul, and what a gig, right? Besides, since we live off the same cursed mummy powers that fuel Dick Clark’s immortality, we should be around until at least doomsday, and maybe even longer. I guess we’ll see how it goes when our contract is up for renewal in 2074.”


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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 01 June 2009 20:00

It was a magical sight today at Fenway Park, as David Ortiz put on a masterful display of guts and fortitude to hit a complete game shutout for the Boston Red Sox. After getting off to the worst start of his career in which he has compiled a sub .200 average and only one homerun, Ortiz has been rarely been seen to start or make it through an entire game without getting pulled for a sub.

"While pitching a complete game is much more celebrated, today's accomplishment by David I think was much more challenging," said Red Sox manager Terry Francona. "Have you seen how big this guy is and how awful he swings the bat lately? I'm surprised he can make it through an entire game sitting on the bench! I mean, hitting a complete game only happens 8, maybe 9 times per game if it's the American League. Today we saw something special out there."

Ortiz went 0 for 4 at the plate with 3 strikeouts and no walks. It looked like he might be in trouble in the 8th inning, as Francona came out to 1st base to make sure he could continue. But Big Papi told him he had one more strikeout left in him. Sure enough in the ninth inning, with two men on and a chance to tie the game, Ortiz delivered a big whiff at an 0-2 curveball to end the game and complete his night.

The crowd gave a thunderous standing ovation to the slugger for the effort.

"Wow, that guy is all heart isn't he?" said fan Derek Chan. "He's certainly not got any skill or ability anymore, but he's got a lot of heart..."

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Written by Brett Lay Wednesday, 08 September 2010 11:01

The very picture of a somber mood is painted on the Steelers’ practice unit, as a light drizzle falls from the gray skies of this appropriately named “Steel City”, the sounds of pads popping and helmets clashing on the practice field not betraying the disappointment of one Troy Polamalu, the Steelers’ hard hitting Strong Safety.

Polamalu sits on the bench, stoically gazing at the battling gladiators as they hone their skills for the war that is the NFL season to come. Troy’s silent presence cheers on his compatriots even with just his physical proximity, although they know that the potential for disaster looms on the dreary horizon, and yet they valiantly fight the good fight without one of their key pieces.

Ever since long hair entered the league in the same draft class as Edgerrin James in 1999, it has continually fought from the realm of obscurity, to the forefront of the sporting world, revealing the mystery of its flowing prowess, stunning uselessness set against a backdrop of being overpaid to do virtually nothing.

In other words, Hair fought from baseline to be just as respected as any professional athlete alive today, along with all the hills and valleys that go with said fame.

It wasn’t long after that Hair (as he affectionately came to be known in the locker room) soon began to grow an equally large and flowing ego. It was awarded a new contract in the 2004 season, and with this came money, prestige, and fame. It was on center stage, and consumed with newfound power, it flaunted its presumed influence and assumption of being above the law on an unsuspecting populace. A criminal record soon formed, and long Hair began to keep the wrong kind of company.

Hair then went through a rough bout in early 2005 and was remanded into the custody of a Pennsylvania state prison institution for armed robbery and DUI. It was shortly after Troy Polamalu then saw the opportunity, and picked Hair up from waivers, thinking he could reform and redeem it, and restore it to its rightful standing.

Although many people still mocked long Hair, thinking it to be nothing more than another trend that would surely fall to the wayside, like the Wing T offense, goal posts on the goal line, or Soccer. This all changed in 2009, when Polamalu’s Hair single handedly won Super Bowl XL. Even subbing in for Ben Roethlisberger on a few run plays so the QB could catch his breath and field calls from the Lifetime network.

Hair truly appeared to be back on the good track, and looked to be heading towards the Hall of Fame that even this reporter predicted for it before the unfortunate Prell shampoo incident of 2005.

Unfortunately, all of these expectations were put on hold this week, when Hair insured itself for one million dollars, just to prove how awesome it was. Before announcing that unless it were to be paid a guaranteed “sixty gajillion” dollars this season, it was prepared to sit out.

“I tried to tell him,” announced Mike Tomlin, Steelers head coach, at a press conference Tuesday, “that nobody on anyone’s defense makes this kind of money, and we sure weren’t going to talk when he is currently signed to an existing contract.” He then leaned back and stroked his chin before continuing: “Also, I’m not even sure a gajillion is a real number, but if it is, the only one making that kind of money would be Peyton Manning.”

At this point, Peyton Manning appeared in a titanium warp-powered diamond encrusted time traveling space ship to confirm that not only is a gajillion a real amount, but that he did in fact make several of them, before beaming himself back into his vehicle and blasting off towards the Cartesian star system in the Delta Quadrant, where he owns a summer home.

All is not necessarily lost for the Steelers this season yet, though. Although Hair looks to have battened down the hatches, prepared to ride out this season on the bench, there may be an alternative for them yet.

“I could always just get a haircut, I guess,” said Polamalu.


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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 15 June 2009 14:17

Unhappy with the way the team has performed so far this season, Washington Nationals management fired all their players today in an unprecedented move. They have brought up some kids from double A ball to serve as interim players until they can find suitable replacements.

"Well, we've struggled to a 16-45 record, which is just awful," said GM Frank Geary. "But head coach Manny Acta is one of the best out there, this team just isn't getting the full management potential out of him. So, we just felt it was time to make a change. We're going to eat their salaries and just move in a different direction."

"We like what they do up in Boston," continued Geary. "We're going to see if we can maybe sign that team to replace them down here. We need a big name team to come in and get the fanbase excited, hopefully some new players can motivate this coaching staff better."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 07 September 2010 06:23

Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown wanted to come out and be up front about his team's priorities for this season after looking at the roster after training camp.

"I know a lot of Bengals fans are going to be unhappy about the team we are putting out there for this season," said Brown in a press conference yesterday. "This is going to be a tough couple of months, because this team will not be what you guys expect from the Bengals. You are used to them choking within the first month, being buried by the Pittsburgh Steelers, and then being able to say 'Maybe next year..." by mid-October.

"Well, this year will be a little different, it may in fact be a rebuilding year. Somehow, someway, we've actually managed to acquire some good talent on both sides of the ball despite our best efforts to do otherwise. People in the sports media are predicting a wild card for us, or even a division title. That's not what our fanbase expects, and I'm sorry."

Cincinnati area fans are not taking the news well.

"I made plans for a weeklong family vacation spanning the last two Sundays of the season," said longtime fan Mike Gardin. "I didn't expect to still be caring about the Bengals in December! Now I'll have to be running to check scores in a bar, and hurrying back to the hotel to watch the games. How do normal NFL fans do it?! I've never had to care after November 1st before!"

Brown and head coach Marvin Lewis say it may take 2-3 years to rebuild this roster into the awful one that usually takes the field for the Bengals. They considered just releasing all 53 players at once, and filling the spots with ex-convicts and arena league players, but the NFL said that was not allowed. But they are hopeful that they will be able to balance out the talent on their roster with bad play calls, overtraining, and burning all game film, instead of letting their players study it.

"Please, suffer through this good team as we work to bring the Cincinnati Bengals back to where you all expect them to be," continued Brown. "I'm sorry this had to happen. But give us a couple more drafts to screw up, some big contracts to claim we can't afford to pay, and we'll be right back to normal. You'll have your Sundays back soon, Cincinnati residents. Until then, you may have to invite people over to watch some Bengals games on the weekends. It actually may be something on the field you want to see. I'm sorry."


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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 28 June 2010 23:21

After he made it home and got into bed, Miguel Cabrera was swarmed by teammates who gathered around the sleeping slugger to congratulate him on the no hitter he had just completed on a very trying Date Night. It was yet another no hitter in this year that has seen 4 of them already, not including Armando Galarraga's near perfect-game. But this one might have been the most impressive as Cabrera, with a history of alcohol and domestic violence problems, came through completely unscathed for the first time in his career.

"It was a very tough night," said Cabrera afterwards to a sideline reporter who entered his bedroom to talk about the feat. "But I just want to thank god for giving me the strength to make it through a good 45 minutes of her babbling on about her work girlfriends. There were points in there where I thought I might lose it, but I stuck to the basics, and sure enough I made it through."

The announcers were quietly impressed as he waited an extra 25 minutes for her to get ready to go out, making sure her makeup and outfit was just perfect. But it wasn't until they got to the dinner and she returned her food a third time because it tasted "a little weird", that they started to realize the magic that was taking place on this date.

"We didn't want to say anything, but we started to realize; hey, his wife doesn't have any massive welts forming on her face right now!" said longtime Brewers announcer Bob Uecker. "When you notice something like that, you just want to keep it quiet, don't put any more pressure on this guy or he might blow it. He could just come out punching during dessert and ruin the whole thing. You don't want that."

Things got shaky after dinner as they headed to a showing of "Sex & The City 2", but Cabrera managed to keep his composure even amongst all the bad sexual puns and female empowerment speeches.

"I really thought at that point, he'd just sock her," said teammate Magglio Ordonez. "Once Kim Catrall's old boobs came on the screen, I thought his no hitter was done for. But he powered through it, the kid has stamina."

Cabrera was ecstatic after the game, and thanked his coaches and family, but not his wife, who he really wanted to hit the whole time.

 

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 01 September 2010 06:55

The Minnesota Vikings made it official today, inking veteran quarterback Brett Favre to his usual .4 year contract for the 2010 season. The deal is very good for Favre, who will be payed $12 million dollars for only being with the team from September through the end of December.

The contract states that starting in January he is free to revert, as has become customary, from the form of a future hall of fame quarterback to that of your mother playing QB at the holiday touch football game. He also gets to bypass the annoying offseason routine and training camp activities.

"I am very excited about this deal," said Favre at a press conference. "At my age, these unusual .4 year deals are the best. I can come in, play great in the regular season, and then throw some quick picks and send the team and myself home for the offseason. As you all know, for me, the offseason is what I really concentrate on nowadays. Will I come back, who should I text or tweet secret information to, practicing at various high schools. The offseason is what I really love, and with this short contract I can get the most out of it."

Favre has been a rogue gunslinger the past few years, signing a .2 year contract with the New York Jets after being unceremoniously released from Green Bay Packers. He performed great for the length of that contract too, leading the Jets to the best record in the AFC for the first 2 months, before things went to hell once his contracted time was up.

The Vikings remain hopeful that Favre will resign with them once the playoffs start, but it's looking doubtful at this time.


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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 06 July 2010 12:30
The process of having fans only vote on the MLB All-Star Game has finally backfired on Major League Baseball, as they have announced no active players have made it onto either roster this year. For years the fan vote process has been chided by critics for allowing undeserving popular players to slip into the game ahead of those with better stats. But now the biggest snub might be players like Albert Pujols and Joe Mauer, as not a single player will be taking part in the festivites this year.

"Well, I guess I just wasn't quite having the year I thought I was," said a dejected Miguel Cabrera after hearing the news that he hadn't made the AL team. "I thought for sure a .339 average, 20 homers, and 71 RBIs would be good enough to punch my ticket, but apparently they thought someone else would make a better choice."

Jerry Birkowitz, the man who the fans thought made a better choice at first base, has never played in the major or minor leagues, but does occasionally take part in a winter softball league with his coworkers. His popularity in Detroit, for owning three car dealerships, is believed to be the primary reason he made the team this year.

"I'm just honored to make the team," said Birkowitz. "I worked long and hard to make sure everyone at Tigers games wrote down my name on the ballot under the write-in category. Playing in an all-star game has been a dream of mine since...at least 2 months ago, when I realized I could probably bend the rules to get away with it. I'm so happy right now."

He is just one of 48 fans who managed to get enough votes to propel them over major stars and into the game which will decide home field advantage and the fate of the MLB season.

"Wow, this is a big responsibility, I hope we don't let the viewers down" said Dave Henderson, another fan taking part in the game, "But even if we can't really play baseball, we're all planning on being really really drunk, so it's going to be pretty fun to watch anyway."

 

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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 24 August 2010 19:26

It was a gruesome scene today in Denver as the Coors Light Love Train derailed and flew into the stands, killing 58 fans.

It was a scorching hot summer day when the Denver Broncos hosted the Detroit Lions at Invesco Field. The crowd was seemingly not into the game due to the high heat index, as temperatures reached as high as 104 degrees. The home team would make a first down or a big defensive stop, and there was little emotion from the Colorado crowd.

But Broncos officials had a plan, a time honored tradition in the Mile High city for when the heat got too unbearable. They pumped up the loud speakers and before everyone knew it "Love Train" was blaring throughout the stadium. The crowd's spirit immediately picked up as the Coors Light train came roaring out the tunnel and the crowd cheered loudly, but it didn't even reach midfield when disaster struck.

The train jerked upward as it derailed and went careening into innocent bystanders, who were just hoping to catch a few pieces of magic snow. People screamed as limbs and blood flew everywhere. Those who could get out of the way immediately ran for the exists. Emergency workers quickly rushed to the scene to help those trapped below the giant beer train.

"We are still trying to assess all the damage, but it's pretty bad in there," said one firefighter outside the stadium. "I've never seen anything like this. A magic beer train just coming off its invisible rails and injuring the very people it came to cool off and get drunk.

"I hope Congress looks at magic beer train regulations, because I for one have been saying their regulations are way too lax. These things can just appear anywhere, any time the Love Train song plays. Do they even card when making beers mystically appear in everyone's hands? I know there are kids in this stadium somewhere."

It's unknown at the time of this report exactly what led to the crash. The driver, a longtime Coors employee, is being questioned for whether or not he was drinking at the time of the wreck. He apparently yelled "tap the Rockies mothereffers!" out the window right before it all went bad.

"Well, I am driving a magic beer train, you kind of can't be sober," said the conductor.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 15 June 2009 17:05

MLB Network today announced a deal with the National Football League to carry 14 preseason games this upcoming August, in an attempt to boost sagging ratings.

"This is an exciting deal for this network," said MLB Network president Rich Yarborough. "To be able to carry the great NFL product on our airwaves, it's quite an honor. We think it's going to go well with our new show that we're going to run every evening, Football Tonight. It covers all the latest news over in the NFL, and we think baseball fans are really going to enjoy it. Baseball Tonight has been bumped back to 1:00 AM, but we feel it's still a very important part of our channel's lineup." Add a comment

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Picture Of The Day


The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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