The St. Louis Rams today announced the signing of Gary "Turkey Machine" Stiltson to a 5 year contract worth an estimated $30 million dollars. But Stiltson, a retired bowler who never even played high school football, was a little confused by receiving a multi-million dollar contract in the mail.
"My father always told me, if you ever get a paper saying someone is going to pay you $30 million dollars, you sign it immediately," said Stiltson. "I always thought that was something crazy he said because of his wild schizophrenia, but sure enough it turned out to be sage advice."
Reporters struggled for most of the day to figure out why the Rams inked Stiltson to a deal out of the blue. But "Turkey Machine", known by that moniker because of his penchant to get three strikes in a row at the lanes, and also because he invented a machine that grinds up feathered turkeys whole, says he doesn't know the reason. He also says he's glad it happened, as there weren't as many people into live bird grinding as he had anticipated when manufacturing his machine.
The Rams wouldn't officially comment on the signing, but in an email recovered by an AP reporter, more was revealed.
From: Rams GM Billy Devaney
To: Coach Steve Spagnuolo
Oh shit! Shit! Shit! Damn it! Shit!
So, you know when you told me after we blew getting Terrell Owens, you just wanted me to sign any former Pro Bowler? Well, as you may have noticed from the team I gave you to work with last year, I kind of don't know what the hell I'm doing in this job.
So, I went onto Monster.com and typed in "Former Pro Bowler", and the first thing that popped up was this guy, Gary Stiltson. So, I may have immediately blown 1/6 of our payroll on him...Maybe...I can't quite figure out how the salary cap or payroll system work.
And then yesterday, I snuck into the GM office of the New England Patriots, to see how real GMing works, and I heard them say I apparently hired a guy who used to play on the PBA Tour. Oops!
Who knew he wasn't the kind of pro bowler we're looking for?! His page on there so seemed like a football player! It said can't use computers, favorite movie is Field Of Dreams, and he only has a high school degree. That could only be a football great!
Well look, he's coming up here to training camp next week. Try not to kill him in the workouts, or we'll probably have a lawsuit on our hands. He's 54, so don't feel awkward coaching someone who is older than you. He's also going to bring something called a "Turkey Machine", and he said to have all our turkeys ready for it.
We do have turkeys, right? If not, I better get some, that seems like something a GM should always have available for the team...
-The B Man
PS, I'm not sure what your email address is Steve. I thought it was email@example.com, but I don't see that in my addressbook, so I'm just going to click this one that says firstname.lastname@example.org. You must have changed it to this...
Steve Spagnuolo couldn't be reached for comment about his new player, but Stiltson said he is very happy to report to a real NFL training camp. He can't wait to tell the guys back at the bowling alley.
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NFL training camps kicked off today around the country, and the drama of players battling for roster spots was not the only excitement to take place. In Miami Dolphins training camp, a suspicious man was held by security after he tried to tell team officials he was with a news organization called the Miami Herald.
The obviously fabricated media outlet was said to be something called a "newspaper" by the man, who pleaded with Dolphins security that he was indeed an actual reporter.
Bloggers and television reporters knew nothing of this Miami Herald or newspapers, and said this was all probably some kind of elaborate hoax.
The man was released after it was determined he was no real threat, just a crazy old man holding onto the past, and was told to go read about the Dolphins on the Internet like everybody else.
ESPN broke into programming to report the story. Sports blogs around the country immediately began covering the incident, and the Internet was abuzz with people researching these newspapers.
According to Wikipedia, and other vague mentions that people across the message boards could put together, newspapers were a daily printed account of sports news. It was sent out as many as 18 hours after a sporting event concluded, long after everyone should have already known the result.
These printed papers were then put into a plastic bag and thrown wildly into your yard every morning by a young boy on a bicycle. You would then have to go out into the wet grass, retrieve your paper, and then wade through pages of ads to find the sports section. Apparently you also had to pay for this massive inconvenience.
Conspiracy websites immediately sprang up, claiming that obviously Wikipedia was vandalized, as this sounded way too crazy to actually be true.
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Just a few weeks ago, almost 10 million people inexplicably tuned in to ESPN to watch LeBron James announce where he would be playing basketball this fall. Banking on the success of that show and out of frustration with the perpetual indecision of Brett Favre, ESPN announced this week that they will be spinning off a new decision special that they are calling “Brett Favre - Make This [CENSORED]ing Decision, [CENSORED]hole.”
According to the announcement, the show will feature an interview in which a grizzled Favre refuses to provide specific answers to any questions, and talks about how much his body is hurting these days. We will also see highlights of Favre stretching, jogging around a track and throwing passes to high school wide receivers and/or guys wearing Wrangler blue jeans.
The show will offer cameos by individuals personally affected by Favre’s indecisiveness, like his wife, Deanna, Viking season ticket holders, millions of fantasy football players who plan to waste a first round pick on Favre, and a local Hattiesburg, MS bakery owner who refuses to dedicate any more time or money to yet another Favre retirement cake.
In the show’s climactic conclusion, Coach Brad Childress will show up outside Favre’s door with two huge Viking defensive linemen who will then proceed to literally put Favre’s nuts into a vice until he reveals his decision about returning to the NFL. “I’m tired of this shit!” said Coach Childress, “How am I supposed to sleep at night when I keep having visions of an offense led by Sage Rosenfels or Tarvaris Jackson?!?! I swear if it comes to that, we are just gonna snap the ball to Adrian Peterson.”
ESPN says the special's broadcast date and time will be announced soon.Add a comment
Lately no NFL off-season is complete without discussions surrounding Terrell Owens and which team is desperate enough to take the risk in signing him to a contract.
Last year the Buffalo Bills took a chance on the embattled receiver, and he responded with his lowest receptions, yards and touchdown numbers since his final season with the Philadelphia Eagles. This year, it appears that no NFL team may be stupid enough to add Owens to their roster.
However it appears Owens has refused to let his dream of destroying another franchise die and has taken matters into his own hands. TSC has received a copy of a mass e-mail that Owens has sent to all NFL owners and General Managers in hopes of suckering one of them into signing him:
Attention Dearest Kind NFL Owner/GM:
Greetings this fine day, I hope this correspondence finds you in good health and of cheer. My name is Mr. Terrell Owens and I write to confirm to you that I am a most excellent and efficient wide receiver who has had the honor of playing for many teams including the 49ERS of SAN FRANCISCO, the EAGLES of PHILADELPHIA and the COWBOYS of DALLAS, TEXAS.
Recently, I have the good fortune of recently inheriting a release from a well known organization located in the city of BUFFALO known as the BILLS, and though my talents are extremely valuable and sought after, thus far no team has come forward to claim me. Because of this, I am seeking the opportunity and pleasure of servicing your NFL team this season. In exchange for my running and catching of footballs, all I ask it that you would wire $10M.USD (TEN MILLION US DOLLARS) to my personal representative, Drew Rosenhaus. Once funds are received I will show us at your training camp and provide you with my talent.
Please provide the utmost confidentiality regarding this correspondence, and be rest assured that this will be a most profitable transaction for both of us. I humbly. . .no, I eagerly await your response and look forward to your most timely reply.
Mr. Terrell Owens
Several NFL owners phoned the league office after receiving these unsolicited e-mails, and were assured that the league plans to take immediate action and will implement updated software designed to curb future correspondence from Owens.
"We have top IT people working right now to make sure this T.O. Virus does not actually harm any of your teams," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Nobody wants this horrible thing to infect your franchise."
Goodell went on to ask that the owners please don't click on any links from an Owens email address. Some common schemes of this virus are the following:
- An African Prince named Mel Kiper wants to wire you undiscovered college standouts, one named Terrell Owens.
- Buying Owens now can result in your playoff chances growing an astounding 3-5 inches in only two weeks.
- You can get the free services of a hall of fame receiver just for filling out a short survey(that receiver then turns out to be Terrell Owens).
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In the wake of the Heisman committee announcing they were exploring possibly revoking Reggie Bush's 2005 Heisman trophy after finding out he received money and benefits in college, comes more bad news for the runningback. The NFL has said that it too will investigate strong evidence that he is currently being given heaps money by a group known as the "New Orleans Saints", as well as several major corporations for sponsorships.
"We are looking seriously at the evidence here that Bush is currently getting $15 million a year from the Saints and $5 million more from advertisers," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in a press conference today. "Wow, that is an awful lot of money for a back who average less than 500 yards a season and gets injured all the time. I have seen him pitching me Subway more on Sundays than I see him involved in plays on the field."
Goodell says that while nothing is in the rules against the athletes receiving money once they go pro, this is nonetheless troubling. The NFL bylaws clearly state that crappy players are supposed to get crappy money. Unless, of course, they are gross mistakes like a Ryan Leaf or Jamarcus Russell, in which case they are simply cut and laughed out of football.
Other NFL players such as Aaron Rodgers have long been trying to help sell five dollar footlongs, but have been rejected. This despite seriously better careers. Subway's response was that they want to set realistic expectations for people at home, not everyone can be a starting quarterback for a historic franchise, and eating a sub won't get you there. But maybe a 3rd string runningback with a penchant for injuries is possible, if you head into a Subway today.
Goodell says they are considering revoking one of the awards he received in the NFL, just as soon as they figure out what awards he has won. Apparently interns have been searching through the archives attempting to find some accolade, any accolade at all, so that they could revoke it. They concluded that Bush does have a 2nd place ribbon from the week 11 Player Of The Week award in 2007. They will consider taking that away, but it's believed he just threw it in the trash upon receiving it.
He also was the only football player nominated for the Male Athlete Of The Year in the BET Awards the last three years, but BET says they are not taking those honors away.
"He was the only sensible choice in football for those years," said a BET spokesman. "He almost had 500 yards a couple times in there, and nearly double digit touchdowns! Those are huge numbers! Plus it's not like there are many black football players out there we have to choose from. It's a very select pool! Obviously he was the best black player the last three years, money or not!"
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The Washington Redskins are doing what they do best in the offseason, giving mega contracts to the biggest free agents. This time the beneficiary of Daniel Snyder's wallet is defensive end Albert Haynesworth, who inked a 7-year $100 million dollar deal over the weekend from the Washington owner.
When Haynesworth was asked what made him pick the Redskins over the Tenessee Titans, the team he had played his whole career for, he said the answer was simple.
"They offered me this great custom Redskins jersey!" he exclaimed, holding the jersey up so everyone in the press could see his name printed on the back. "Ever since I was a kid, I've wanted one of these custom jerseys from the NFL Shop, but my mom always said they were too much. $200 bucks to spend for an authentic one, I could never get myself to pull the trigger on that purchase, even with my millions made from football."
"But Mr. Snyder here offered to give me however many of these custom authentic jerseys I wanted, so I just couldn't pass this offer up. The $100 million dollars also helped. I've ordered all kinds of great jerseys: I've got a Haynesworth jersey coming for each team in the league, I've got a Packers jersey with Favre's name spelled sensibly, I've even got one that says Fuck You Giants, to help me get in the mood for this divisional race. These things are awesome! They are just like the jerseys that the players wear!"
Reports leaked over the weekend that the Denver Broncos made a trade offer to the New England Patriots to trade their starting QB Jay Cutler for Matt Cassel. The move would re-unite the Patriots quarterback with his offensive coordinator from last season, Josh McDaniel, now the head coach in Denver. But the move never went through and Cassel ended up going to the Kansas City Chiefs along with Mike Vrabel for a second round pick.
The reports got to Cutler, who is reportedly miffed at the deal, as it would have moved him to one of the greatest franchises in recent history.
"How could they screw up a deal like this?!" said Cutler to ESPN. "To find out I had a chance to play for the New England Patriots, it just blows my mind to think about. Now I'm stuck here in Denver for another year! I mean, this team hasn't won a playoff game since Elway left, and let's be honest here, I'm no Elway. I could have been on a team without a porous defense, an offensive line that knows how to block, and the coach that taught my rookie coach everything he knows!"
ESPN's Sal Paolantonio says Cutler is not speaking to Broncos management about the trade because he is so enraged. Apparently he has been trying to meet Tom Brady for years, and this would have finally made that possible. Cutler also says he is tired of having to throw so many balls to earn his multi-millions every year, and would look forward to the opportunity to earn it by simply sitting on a bench.
"I also can't believe they couldn't pull the trigger on getting a great quarterback like Matt Cassel! That guy was an amazing leader last year, and that's without starting for a decade or so! Just imagine what he could do now, and for a team as crappy as ours. Now you guys are stuck with me? Good luck with that...I've seen myself play, and...well...it's going to be a long couple of seasons for all you Broncos fans..."
The Coast Guard called off its search for two NFL players and a third man, lost at sea when their boat flipped this past Saturday amid high winds. They found one survivor Monday of the four-person fishing trip that left early Saturday morning only never to return to port. With the search called off, hope to ever find the men is slim to none, but the coast guard nonetheless urged optimism in a press conference held today.
"Well, there are only two possible outcomes now really," said Lt. James Daniels of the U.S. Coast Guard. "One of them is that these men are forever lost at sea. But the other, the one I'd like to believe, is that they are trapped on a desert isle somewhere having 22 minute-long sitcomy adventures. No doubt things are rougher there than on Gilligan's Island, as they have no women, no professor to come up with incredibly complicated escape plans, and of course, no hilarious Gilligan to entertain them. But, things weren't so bad for the people on that show, and I'm sure we'll find them again in a couple seasons after the show loses popularity."
"Uh, Mr. Daniels, that is the single most insulting and disrespectful thing I have ever heard from a government official..." said one of the reporters.
"Yes, I believe it might be," replied Lt. Daniels. "But when you're in my business, you have to consider all the options. Did that space shuttle really explode a couple years ago? Or did they just find a genie on the moon who did some kind of crazy blink that made them disappear? Did Katrina happen because mother nature made it happen? Or was it merely a plot point of a great season of 24? Was 9/11 committed by terrorists? Or was it ABC executives trying to distract us from how truly horrible Two And A Half Men is? We may never know these answers for sure..."
"What? We do know because those are the dumbest theories anyone has ever suggested!"
"Look, I know it sounds crazy. But we're all just really emotional right now. Let's take a step back and admit for a second that these missing people are probably working on creating a working phone out of a coconut and two palm fronds at this very moment..."
Lt. Daniels was fired within an hour of this press conference.
Reports surfaced out of Denver today that Jay Cutler and head coach Josh McDaniels have been exchanging text messages in hopes of patching up their relationship, which has grown increasingly rocky over the offseason. It was hoped that Cutler would return to Denver for voluntary workouts, but it appears that even the texting has rubbed Cutler the wrong way.
"Look, I really wanted to be a part of this team over the offseason, I really did," said Cutler. "We had a nice dialogue going, I started off by saying 'Hey m8! Wat r u up 2?' and he responded with an incredibly insulting 'ROFL, MBFYMADS!'. Now, everyone knows that means, 'Rolling on floor laughing, Mrs. Butterworth Fucks Your Mom All Day Sunday'. Why would he say something like that to me, and laugh about it?! Mrs. Butterworth is a delicious syrup shaped like a woman, how dare he deface her like this!"
In response to this insult, Cutler said he is going to sell another 2-3 houses and forgo another couple hundred thousand dollars in bonus money to further punish the team.
McDaniels responded by saying the whole thing was a big mixup, and he blames the translator he brought in to help him talk to the young man. Maria Young, a linguist who speaks multiple languages including fluent drunk asshole, hipster jagoff, and narcissistic douche quarterback, was the one responsible. She has helped teams communicate in the past with people such as Brett Favre and Ryan Leaf. But this time she thought she was texting an abbreviation that meant "My best friend, you're missing a dope scrimmage'.
McDaniels has since let go the translator, and cited the difficulty in relating to a 25-year-old detached white kid though text abbreviations for the misunderstanding. He said all communication with Cutler will now be handled by his 11-year-old daughter.
The police officer who detained Houston Texans runningback Ryan Moats for a traffic violation while his mother-in-law was dying in a hospital resigned today, ending an illustrious career of racism. The 26-year-old officer has been working on his biggotry for years, and was shocked to discover people were outraged when he pulled a gun on an African-American who slowly ran a traffic light, and would not let the man into the hospital while his relative died.
"Because of this incident, I will be stepping down from the police force," said officer Robert Powell. "I don't know if I can live and work in a country that doesn't allow police to investigate just how a black guy came to be driving a car they didn't steal. And how was I supposed to know his mother-in-law was really dying, and that wasn't an excuse so he could hurry along and get some fried chicken?
"It was imperitive to the safety of the city that I searched his SUV for possible Popeye's coupons, so I could prove what his true motives are. That was taught to me on day one of police academy."
Because of the publicity and backlash the story has caused, Powell says he will be moving to Canada.
"I'm going to be going above the border," continued Powell. "There are fewer professional athletes there, so I should be able to freely harass people of color without fear that they are famous and it will get out to the media. There will not be as many black people up there, so I'm going to have to try real hard to find them and give them unnecessary and unwarranted grief."
A reporter asked Powell what he will miss the most about working in Texas.
"I will probably miss the Mexicans the most. There probably won't be any of them up there, and that will take away a good portion of my opportunities for racism. But, I hear they have French people up there, so I'm going to have to study up on what I can objectify them for. I'm very excited about this new opportunity."
- Detroit Lions New Logo Looks Suspiciously Like That Of New England Patriots
- Cowboys Draft New Team Captain To Improve Coin Toss Performance
- Cowboys Suffer Startling Non-Metaphorical Collapse
- Media Still Has Interest In Signing Favre For Offseason
- Houston Texans Unveil New 3-24 Defense
- Detroit Lions Try To Send Daunte Culpepper Down To Minors
- Vick Now Available To Any Team Looking For QB Downgrade
- Lucky No Good Piece Of Shit Bastard Impregnates Second Model
- David Blaine To Try To Survive Entire Season As Detroit Lions Fan
- Arizona Cardinals Mistakenly Fire Head Coach Out Of Habit
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