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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 31 August 2010 06:27

The Los Angeles Dodgers phoned the Boston Red Sox today to tell them they finally pulled a prank equal to the one done to them 3 years ago when they got Manny Ramirezed. The Dodgers famously fell for a classic Manny Ramirez, one of the most popular juvenile pranks, when they took Manny off waivers from Boston in 2007.

He went on to let minor injuries hamper his play until he finally fell out of favor with LA, and left the same way he was let go from Boston. But the hilarity ensued as the Dodgers phoned the White Sox to tell them they were placing Manny Ramirez on waivers.

"Yeah, the White Sox totally fell for the oldest trick in the book!" said coach Joe Torre as he talked to Theo Epstein. "I had to stifle the laughter as I told Ozzie Guillen I had a possible future hall of fame player who could help his team get in the playoffs this year. The fool actually went for it! He actually thinks Manny can help their team get to the playoffs!

"I put Manny in a box and sent him next day delivery via UPS immediately! These suckers aren't going to know what hits them when they open up this package!"

While this is only the latest most famous trick, a Manny Ramirezing is a common prank for kids. Many people have been called by children, asking if their refrigerator is running...and also if they would like to pick up Manny Ramirez off waivers.

If they should be foolish enough to say yes, they are then sent the troublesome player who proceeds to bring down the morale of their entire household. He refuses to run out ground balls, take out the trash, clean his hair and pine tar out of the bathtub after a shower, or play a day game of dominoes after a night game.

Eventually, the family has no choice but to place Manny on waivers in their front yard until a neighbor picks him up in a truck and takes him to their team.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 20 July 2010 19:12

Michael Jordan's comments on Monday and Magic Johnson's today, that they would never have even thought about switching teams to combine their talents with another NBA superstar, have caused quite a buzz amongst those in sports media. But one star is coming out to remind everyone that he would have played with anyone, any time, and anywhere to win a world title.

Christian Laettner, the player who bounced around between 6 NBA teams over the course of his 13-year NBA career, says he would have gladly played with Bird, Magic, or Jordan.

"I don't know what all this fuss is about not wanting to play with other stars," said Laettner in an interview. "I bounced around between so many horrible teams, I was salivating at any chance to win. I played for the Timberwolves, Hawks, and Wizards for Pete's sake! If I could have been Bird's water boy, I would have left one of those teams immediately to go to the Celtics."

"It wouldn't even need to be a superstar I left to go play for, I just want people to like me. If you've got a decent team of guys at the gym after work, give me a call. If you're playing NBA 2K11 on Playstation and need someone to be the second player, let me know."

"It doesn't even have to be basketball! If you're throwing a birthday party and need someone to play a large dinosaur in a suit, please call 1-800-LAETTNER! Unlike those other selfish superstars, I will be a part of any team!"

Laettner then proceeded to apologize to any superstars he may have offended, saying he wanted to still be invited if they should ever have a pickup game, or just want to watch a romantic comedy together, or something like that. Whatever it is superstars do.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 28 January 2009 15:32

FSU held a press conference today to announce that they had come to the agreement that they are not going to call the police about the dead rotting carcass of Bobby Bowden that has been laying on their sidelines for the past several years. It was highly speculated that the body of the longtime coach would finally be removed from the field after this season, as many fans in attendance near the FSU bench complained of the smelly corpse flesh. But FSU dismissed those claims as being not the smell of Bobby Bowden's decomposing remains, but the smell of the shitty play on the field.

"Look, when you are playing as bad as we have the past few seasons, your whole stadium is going to smell like shit, that's just the way it is," said FSU Athletic Director Randy Spetman. "We hope that gets better next year. But about the dead body of Bowden, we have hired a new person here to be the official Smellologist for the team, and it will be his job to make sure the body is acceptable before every game. He has already begun treatment on it through a combination of spraying it with Febreeze and rubbing those little air freshener trees all over it. He should smell just like a rose for opening day, or if not a rose, a combination of Citrus Rush and New Car Smell."

The players have said they are happy to have Bowden's lifeless corpse returning for another season.

"A lot of people criticize coach Bowden's corpse for his laid back coaching style," said quarterback Christian Ponder. "But him lying there dead all game, saying nothing, it's just his way of telling us to play a little harder so we don't end up like that. Seeing a deceased guy coach a team these last few years, when he has no business coaching, it really inspires us players and tells us that we can do anything!"

It's unknown what the future holds for Bowden's dead body, but you can expect more of the same lifeless coaching that you've seen the last few years.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 12 January 2009 15:49

The Pittsburgh Steelers are doing their best to help their fans out for the upcoming AFC Championship Game against the Baltimore Ravens. In these hard economic times, the Steelers organization wants to make sure it is taking care of the people who spend hundreds of dollars to come and see them at Heinz Field. To that end they will be offering a special $15 beer for fans in attendance.

The beer served is a delicious 3 ounce serving of Bud Ultra Light Select, a special blend being made especially for the game by Anheuser-Busch. It is a combination of Bud Light, tap water, and a double serving of air. The goal is to allow anyone to be able to enjoy a delicious cold one at the stadium, and now they can with such a great affordable deal.

"When I go to the games with my family, I want to be able to enjoy a beer with my kids," said Steeler fan Todd Turnage. "But up until now, it's always been just way too pricey. I've had to get them a $12 Sprite instead. Now with this great deal, we can all get drunk together, I can finally share a post-game DUI with my son."

"I like this deal because I like to get really drunk," said season ticket holder Jimmy Stone. "I want to be so drunk, I'm unable to say a simple "Go Steelers!" chant. But before beer was so expensive, I would still be able to properly pronounce Steelers late into the 4th quarter. But now, I can be the fun drunk everyone in my section has come to love, and they can shout their usual terms of endearment like "Go Home Jimmy!" and "Oh god, I hope he doesn't sit in this section again next year!" Thank you Steelers, for making going to games affordable again."

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Written by Nick Cafferky Tuesday, 31 August 2010 06:26

The Associated Press came out with its Preseason Top 25 in college football yesterday morning and to the surprise of Fighting Irish fans everywhere, Notre Dame was nowhere to be seen.

While the Irish are coming off of yet another disappointing season, many fans have high hopes for the upcoming season because of new coach Brian Kelly.

“How can we not be ranked? Seven Heisman Trophies and 11 national titles and we are not ranked? We have Cincinnati’s coach and we are Notre Dame -- there is no way we lose a game!” said completely realistic Irish fan Sean McIntyre.

As of right now, no other school seems to think there is much merit for Notre Dame’s complaints, but that isn’t stopping Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick from declaring that the AP poll is “a slight against God”.

“By not putting the great institution of Notre Dame in the Top 25, the Associated Press is saying that having God on your side has no worth,” Swarbrick said. “I hope Alabama and the other ‘elite’ teams in the Top 25 are prepared to get crushed by the power of the Lord because I just put in a call to Jesus.”

When informed about Swarbrick’s comments, Crimson Tide head coach Nick Saban was baffled by how serious the AD was taking the AP poll.

“It literally counts for 0 percent of the BCS and has no value in determining the National Championship,” Saban said. “And if Swarbrick is really that upset about not being in the AP Top 25, just show him Lou Holtz’s list. I bet you 20 bucks that Notre Dame is in his Top 3."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 23 August 2010 21:02

Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren officially finalized their divorce today, nine months after he wrecked his car in the middle of the night and his serial infidelity was revealed to the world at large.

In a joint statement released by the couple, they said: "We are amicably separating for the good of our children, and are ready to move forward with our lives. This will be a difficult time for the both of us, and we hope that through privacy we will be able to settle into our new roles as joint parents.

"We also want to announce that there will be a party the size and scale of which will blow your freaking brains through your ass, tonight at Tiger's new bachelor pad in Orlando, FL. Elin would like me to give her back control of the keyboard so we can both agree on the rest of this joint statement, but she can suck it...not literally...that will be done by a multitude of random women too young to drink, starting tonight at 11:00 PM. Be there! It's time to celebrate my freedom from the shackles of this golf club wielding mad woman!

"This is Elin. I have had Tiger removed from the lawyer's office by police. I hope whoever attends this party rots in hell. This might be the worst joint separation statement of all time. I'm going back to Sweden to find a nice man who wants to be with a past her prime supermodel with two kids...Oh, and who now has 100 million dollars. Suck on that Tiger."

Woods went on to give more details on the party later in the day through his agent. He says it has been a trying couple of months, trying to play a sport as boring as golf, and not being able to sleep with various floozies a couple times a day. But, he adds that now he can get back to sinking putts and sinking himself into college-age bartenders once more.

To attend tonight's massive party you must meet the following requirements:

  • Be a hot lady
  • Not be from a Northern European country
  • Not talk about Tiger's kids
  • Not talk about golf
  • Not be able to swing a golf club with enough force to break an SUV window
  • No fatties

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 02 August 2010 20:08

We take you through the top fantasy creatures and picks you should make in your draft in the coming weeks. Should you take a dragon with the number one overall pick again, or has a Yeti moved into position to become the anchor of your fantasy team? We look at every fantasy monster, creature, and just plain fantasy to see where they should rank in this year's draft.

Giant feet, meaning great kickers. But you never want to invest a draft pick too high on a kicker. These guys can’t do much else on the field due to their small stature. Don't pick one higher than 10.

This fantasy creature seems like a great addition to your team on the outside, he can grant you any wishes you want, such as to crush last year’s league winner in all head to head matchups. But in addition to that power comes the annoying sight gags and comedic awfulness of a way past his prime Robin Williams. If you can sit through that all season long, good luck. But I’ll avoid rehashes of awful comedies like Jack and Patch Adams.

Sure, it’s a new year, and every team seems like they have a shot with everyone tied at 0-0. Yes, maybe your team wins a game or two in the first month. But by the halfway point, the Lions will still be the Lions and the Bills will still be the Bills. This fantasy is great to have, and some of us get to live it all the way to the postseason, where our dreams are crushed. But others get to just get the crushing out of the way early.

These players are so streaky, you should really pick them that highly. They only turn into the highly aggressive and quick werewolves when it’s a full Moon. That happens maybe once a month. The rest of the time they are a just a shirtless pretty boy who can’t do much on the field. Don’t be on Team Jacob on draft day.

Everyone always picks the Houston Texans as a wildcard team in the AFC, but you have a better chance of spotting Bigfoot in your back yard. Don’t make this trendy pick. Let them slide down the draft board a bit and go with a team with at least a better recent track record such as a Cincinnati or a New York Jets.

Everyone is super high on vampires this year, as they are all the rage with kids thanks to Twilight and with fans of nudity thanks to HBO’s True Blood. But that is precisely the reason why they are ripe for failure. Sell high on vampires, and stay away from them on draft day. They will struggle in day games and are one stake in the chest or garlic necklace away from a trip to the disabled list.

Possibly the most fantastical and mythical of all the picks on this list, every guy wants his girl to be into sports and particularly football as much as they are. But if it should ever happen, do you want to risk your masculinity and have her calling out statistics and facts that make you feel like an American trying to figure out how cricket works? Don’t risk it. Let her watch Real Housewives on Sundays. Plus they never look this good in a jersey, just stick to looking at the NFL Shop catalogue to see how a girl looks in that Romo Jersey.

A freaking unicorn is an unstoppable returning threat, as it can both outrun a normal man, and gore those who get in its way. Look for numbers that look they are straight out a videogame with this fantasy player. But not from Madden NFL 11, instead, straight out of My Little Pony Magical Adventures.

What he lacks in depth perception, he makes up for in bruising size and strength. Look for Cyclops to be the steal of this year’s draft, as the anchor of a power running game. He might not be able to move much side to side, but between the tackles there is no one better.

Look, despite not being capable of breathing fire or casting magic spells, Chris Johnson will get you the most fantasy points this season. While many may go for a dragon in the first round, with the way fantasy scoring is set up, runningbacks will always score better than dragons. Deal with it. Make Chris Johnson your number one pick.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 28 July 2010 18:59

It's been a wild season of pitching this year in Major League Baseball, with five no hitters and two perfect games so far this year, but yesterday's events may just be the icing on the cake. Only 24 hours after Matt Garza tossed the first no-no in Tampa Bay Rays history, teen singing sensation Justin Bieber was on hand to throw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds game.

But Bieber's pitch looked so unhittable, manager Dusty Baker decided to just leave him in there for the rest of the game.

"He had a no-hitter going after that first pitch, you can't take a pitcher out when he's got something going like that," said Baker after the game. "That first pitch was so unlike anything I've ever seen before. It couldn't even reach the plate, it sort of bounced off the ground and then way over the catcher's head. I knew no one could come close to hitting something so horrible, so I told the kid he was staying in there to finish this thing."

Pitching in street clothes, Bieber baffled the Milwaukee Brewers for 8 dazzling innings, who were likely so confused by the turn of events they couldn't concentrate on hitting the ball.

"Wow, my daughter isn't going to believe I was struck out by Justin 3 times in one game," said All-Star Prince Fielder. "I couldn't hit a home run off that kid, despite the fact the couple balls that he managed to get to the plate were right in my zone. My daughter wouldn't have spoken to me for a year!"

Bieber's agent was happy with the performance of his client, but furious at Baker's mismanagement.

"Obviously he should have been pulled after that first pitch," said the agent, Saul Washington. "Justin is supposed to be on a pitch count! We talked to Dusty beforehand and he said that count would be one, maybe two pitches. This kid has a bright future ahead of symbolic athletic honors before games. I want him to be able to sing a national anthem, toss a coin, or wave a flag at a NASCAR event. Now his whole career could be in jeopardy."

Bieber was backed up by some stellar defense behind him to pick up the no hitter, but it really served to highlight that indeed anyone can pitch a perfect game this year.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 02 March 2009 15:10

The Sacramento Kings made it official today that they would be retiring from the NBA following the season, ending months of speculation by fans and pundits. It has been a tough couple of final years for the 64-year-old franchise, whose diminishing skills and wins this season have become readily apparent.

Kings mascot Slamson the Lion served as spokesperson for the franchise when they announced the retirement to the press. All players, coaches, and employees will be retired, as they obviously do not have any business working or playing in the NBA. 

"Look, we all remember our glory days back in the 40s," said an emotional Slamson. "We were the young rookie franchise, winning championships with our flashy new logo and high scoring offense that averaged almost 60 points a game. We were on fire! But time has taken its toll, and we realize it's time to hang up the purple uniforms once and for all."

"We want to thank all the fans who have supported us throughout our career as a franchise, and want to say that we are not done yet. We have been signed by ESPN to be the color commentators on their NBA broadcasts. It will be Mike Tirico and the entire Sacramento Kings you now hear during your games. It's been a challenge finding 100 or so microphones for all our employees, but it's going to be fun to get so many voices chiming in on the action."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 12 January 2009 15:52

In a press release that was sent out to all major media outlets today, it was made known that Marvin Harrison's Wash 'N Shoot franchise would be opening 5 new locations in and around the Philadelphia area in the near future. The popular combination of car wash and shooting range has been a surprising success for the Indianapolis wide receiver, aside of course from the three person shooting that took place there last year, for which Harrison is a suspect.

The press release talks about the success of the franchise: "When Harrison opened the first combination of live fire gun range and car wash, many people thought it wouldn't work. These are probably the same people that thought Randall Cunningham's Colonics & Discount Plumbing Supplies wouldn't work either. But, here we are five years after our grand opening, and business is bigger than ever! The so-called safety inspectors said we would have too many accidental gunshots, but we've only had three...that have been reported to the authorities. Only 3 people put in critical condition in five years? I'd say that makes them the no-fun inspectors."

The concept of Marvin Harrison's Wash N Shoot is both simple and brilliant. You drive your car through the long wash tunnel as in any normal car wash, only with all the windows rolled down. You, your wife, and your kids are all given live semi-automatic handguns to use during the ride. Then, as you proceed down the tunnel, you battle the hot wax and cleaning brushes coming into your window to shoot at various targets. A sign warns that if you do not bring your best skills, you will probably lose a portion of your eyesight, as the wax is toxic.

The targets that pop up during the ride are all villains that Marvin Harrison has battled throughout his career and life. You can shoot the Patriots Defense, the Chargers Defense, the Steelers Defense, or just any of the 100's of defenses that have played the Colts in the playoffs and managed to shut them down. You can also battle Harrison's hamstring, which has plagued several of his recent seasons. He actually had the muscle removed and hung onto a target for some realistic bloody action. Finally, you have the chance to shoot a giant monster made of scrambled eggs and Skittles candy, that used to haunt Marvin's dreams as a young boy. It is truly terrifying.

The press release goes on to say that the new Wash N' Shoot locations are looking for new employees: "We are now hiring for Chloroform And Relocation Specialists. You will need to have experience chloroforming injured people and relocating them off-property so that the police do not catch wind of it. Experience chloroforming people aside from merely female dates preferred. Examples of previous body relocation work desired, can provide shovels to dig if hidden bodies deceased."

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Picture Of The Day

The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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