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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 14 April 2009 13:43

The nation's sympathy goes out today to Flip Saunders and his family, who this news organization has learned just agreed to become the next head coach of the Washington Wizards. Details of the hiring are still coming out, but it's speculated that the Wizards somehow have tricked the poor man into signing an agreement to be in charge of the horrible franchise. That is the only reason someone would possibly take over the worst team in the Eastern Conference.

We have been told that D.C. area police are investigating possible crimes committed by the Wizards to make this happen.

"We are looking at the possibility they are holding Flip's family hostage," said police chief Jason Castro. "Maybe they have poisoned him with a radioactive poison that only they have the antidote to. Perhaps he is an alien, and they are going to destroy his homeworld through making them watch their incredibly horrible basketball play. Anything is a possibility here, but one thing is for sure, and that's no man would choose to take over this team of his own volition. We will get to the bottom of this."

TSC will keep following this story and update our readers when more information or any arrests are made.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 19 January 2009 11:30

Across the nation and around the globe people are dealing with the terrifying reality that the Arizona Cardinals have actually won the NFC Championship Game and will play in Super Bowl 43. Of course, its not that the Arizona Cardinals themselves strike fear into the heart of. . .well, anyone at all. As the oldest running franchise in NFL history, the Cardinals have set such a high bar for failing miserably year after year that they are officially listed in the dictionary as a synonym of the words ?futile? and ?crappy.? Further, its widely noted that their mascot of choice, the cardinal, is perhaps the wimpiest of all birds, known in the bird world by such nicknames as ?sissy bird? ?gay jay? ?limp wing? and ?egg licker,? just to name a few.

So why the mad rush to grocery stores to stock up on basic food items and other necessities? Why the sudden run on generators, gasoline and firearms? And why are people around the globe calling loved ones to make contact and in some cases say their tearful goodbyes? Clearly, it is due to the notion that a team as annually inept and underwhelming as the Arizona Cardinals actually making it to the pinnacle of professional sports is so far-fetched and unlikely that most fear the real possibility that the occurrence of other unlikely catastrophic events, and quite possibly the end of the world, is sure to follow.

TSC contacted Lance Inglebaum, a UNLV professor, mathematician and odds maker, to shed some light on exactly how rare it is for a team like the Cardinals to earn the chance to play for football?s biggest prize. ?I would say this is an extremely rare event,? noted Inglebaum ?one we can expect to see once every 10,000 years or more.? So great are the odds, that Inglebaum noted that it was much more likely of witnessing other rare events such as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series, a Washington Generals two-winning streak, Oprah dipping down below 200 pounds, or even the highly unlikely event that Paris Hilton would be photographed wearing undergarments. 

Inglebaum went on to note that in his opinion, the opening line for the Super Bowl (Steelers -7) was much too low, and theorized that the likelihood of the Cardinals actually winning Super Bowl 43 was less than ?a Texas-sized asteroid striking the earth killing all of its inhabitants immediately.? He furthered predicted that should the Cardinals actually pull off a victory on Super Sunday, we should be prepared for the worst, including ?mass hysteria, loss of power grids and other infrastructure, and the immediate resumption of witch trials and burnings at the stake.? In fact, so real was the threat in his mind, that Inglebaum noted he would be canceling his annual Super Bowl party and would instead be watching the game with a few of his closest friends at his fallout shelter located approximately 500 feet below the earth?s surface ?just in case.?

Though the staff of TSC is committed to maintain its independence and objectivity when it comes to covering sports, I think in this case we can make an exception. Go Steelers!

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 04 August 2010 22:17

Seattle has been declared a national disaster area today by President Barack Obama, as last night the city managed to actually sell out an MLS game. The Seattle Sounders hosted the Los Angeles Galaxy at a packed Qwest Field, where people in attendance even wore Sounders apparel and seemed to understand what was going on on the field.

"Things are very bad in Seattle right now," said Obama in a statement made over national television. "This city is so desperate for real sports to return, they are enjoying soccer. I have never seen it so bad. With the failure of the Mariners to do anything this season, and the Supersonics having left, this city is in dire straights. They need a real sport to watch, and they need it now!"

"I am authorizing the national college football defense fund to be put into action to bring college football to this town as quickly as possible. I've told Washington and Washington State to hurry up and get their seasons underway. This city needs relief quickly, before the entire population is engulfed into rooting for an MLS team full time."

Reports are scarce from within the city limits, but its believed the people are so taken with soccer out of sports boredom, they have begun to wear the jerseys of players and check for box scores on the ESPN ticker. ESPN has responded saying that for their own safety, they will hide MLS scores and highlights extra deep in their programming, perhaps relegating it to ESPN News 2 En Espanol.

"We have to keep soccer as far away from these Seattle residents as possible," said VP of ESPN Programming Ken White. "These people are on the verge of full support of a soccer club. We have no idea what that could look like in this country! Can our people even handle it?! This could cause a breakdown of all civilization up there!"

Obama hopes the emergency doses of college football will help divert their attention from the strange sport, but if it's not enough more drastic measures may have to be taken.

"If these people do not snap out of this trance they seem to be under, we have the Seattle Seahawks standing by," stated Obama. "We have C-130's prepared to air drop the entire team onto the city, along with the Patriots, Steelers, and Giants. They have been told to play football ball anywhere and everywhere, to remind people what they are missing. I won't have my country taken over by this sport! It was bad enough we had to care about the World Cup for two weeks!"

"If all that fails, of course we will have to... nuke the entire city. It's the only way to be sure..."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 19 July 2010 19:38

As covered extensively on ESPN, Alex Rodriguez is nearly to a huge milestone in Major League Baseball, providing 600 balls to people with crappy seats at games. Rodriguez, as a relatively poor boy in the Dominican Republic, always had horrible seats to baseball games and vowed to one day become a dominant power hitter to make up for it.

As he hit number 598 over the weekend, the Yankee announcers talked about the generosity of A-Rod.

"Only a few players in history have been this great with giving free souvenirs to poor baseball fans," the announcers stated. "Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth, and of course the super philanthropist Barry Bonds; the man who risked his fertility, health, and size of his testicles to be able to give balls to people who can barely see the batter during the game."

"And Alex still has a few years left, he could wind up as the most charitable slugger of all time," replied the other announcer.

Rodriguez himself has said it was his poor upbringing that has him trying to give out free items to those whose tickets cost less than a beer. He also runs charities on the side like Homers For The Homeless, where he goes out on the streets of New York and hits balls directly at homeless people from a short distance to give them a piece of the game they can keep. His charity has handed out over 1000 balls unofficially, and put over 200 people in the hospital.

How many balls he hands out by the end of his career is anybody's guess, but 600 is quite a milestone, and for those in the outfield, its always exciting when he comes to the plate.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 22 April 2009 17:44

Like the Arizona Cardinals Larry Fitzgerald in this year's NFL playoffs, Derrick Rose is having a coming out party of his own so far in round one of the NBA playoffs. The Chicago Bulls point guard made his playoff debut a big one, scoring 36 points and adding 11 assists in their opening win over the Celtics.

But it was not until after the game when being interviewed by a locker room reporter that things got awkward. When asked how he felt about having such a big coming out party in his first game he replied with an answer that shocked everyone.

"It feels great, now that the whole world knows I'm gay!" Rose shouted, making everyone in the locker room stop and stare.

"What do you mean you're gay? That really wasn't what I meant..." continued the reporter.

"I'm gay, I'm so gay!" he replied. "You know that gay sex thing you always are hearing about with the penises and the butts and the whole deal? I love that stuff! It just feels so good to come out and say it, get it off my chest. You're so right! And you're throwing me a party for it? I hope there's a cake, and I hope it's shaped like the part of a man I love to eat in my bedroom as well...

"I've had to load up all this rap music on my iPod here just to fit in, but I really only listen to the Streisand and Cher I put on this thing. It just gets me charged up to get out there and commit a hard charging foul on another man!"

"Is there anything else you've been secretly wanting to tell the world, Mr. Rose?" asked the reported.

"Yes...There's something I've wanted to say since I first got here in Chicago..." began Derrick. "I want to redecorate this locker room! Makeover! The colors and furniture in here is so passe! And I want to put a nice set of drapes with a floral pattern on my locker, that would make it really pop. I've been wanting to tell everyone this all my life, but I never had the courage to just come out and do it. Thank you for the inspiration!"

"I...uh...actually didn't mean that kind of coming out party..." answered the reported.

"Huh...oh...well then...shit..." Rose hung his head and silently went to the showers, where everyone else on the team quickly fled.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 20 April 2009 20:00

The WNBA's Detroit Shock made a very special visit to the White House this week to celebrate their status as the reigning WNBA Champions. Tiger Woods, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and even the Chicago White Sox made visits there as well over the last month to celebrate their recent successes. But while Tiger Woods had an exclusive sit down dinner with President Obama, the Detroit Shock arrived to find their names not on the guest list.

"Detroit Shock...Is that an arena football team?" asked the front desk, as the girls tried to get in to see the President.

They informed them that they were a real team, and even showed the people at the desk pictures of them from last year's finals. But security refused to believe that the people in the pictures were actual women playing basketball instead of female faces photoshopped on NBA players.

The team was then told it could get into the White House with the free tour that is conducted to the public, so they opted to do that. They learned a great deal about the historic furniture that graces the various rooms of the White House, and even got to see the outside of the oval office, where the President may or may not have been at that time. They weren't allowed to know for sure due to security reasons.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 21 January 2009 16:43

"Well Colin, everyone in the media seemed to count us out every week leading up to this point too," said Kurt Warner in a radio interview with ESPN's Colin Cowherd earlier today. "You guys didn't give us any respect all season long, and that continued in every matchup we've had so far. You guys will lose to the Panthers, the Falcons, the Eagles. Well, we're fine with being the underdogs, we like it. We're going to come out and show you all what we know we can do once again."

"Uh, I asked you what your favorite food was, Kurt?" replied Cowherd.

Indeed, in underestimating the Cardinals chances each week in these NFL playoffs the media has made them into a monster the likes of which has not been seen since this year's Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Sports fans are preparing themselves to hear this answer during every interview conducted with Arizona players from now until the Super Bowl, as yet another team has been "disrespected all year" by the media.

"The number one seeds can never just win easily, like they are supposed to," said analyst Chris Berman. "Now, once again, we have to hear how nobody expected them to be here, and how they never stopped believing in themselves. We really did this to ourselves, and now we have to listen to this a million more times. Next year, I'm not counting any team out. Even if they're the 0-16 Lions, I'm still going to give them a chance to win the Super Bowl. It's the only way to ensure we don't have to listen to this trite and tired speech every year. I'm sorry we did this to you America, but you only have a week and a half left to endure of it."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Friday, 16 July 2010 16:30

Another piece of the latest NBA superteam was revealed today down in South Beach. The Miami Heat announced today that they had signed the Milwaukee Brewers Kielbasa to a 4 year dear at the league minimum. It's being seen as a major coup for Miami to get such a strong player at a cheap price, but the Kielbasa's agent said his client took the deal because of the chance to win an NBA championship.

For those who haven't been following the Brewers regular sausage races during home games, the Kielbasa has soundly dominated the competition this year, to the tune of the best record in the open sausage race era. There was a lot of speculation on if he would resign with Milwaukee or field offers from teams like Washington who wanted him to race dead ex-presidents. But he surprised everyone and even switched sports to basketball.

"This is a move I make with a heavy heart," said the anthropomorphic frankfurter. "This city and this team has been very good to me, but I just saw a great opportunity to win a championship down in Miami, and had to jump at it."

Mark Attanasio, owner of the Brewers, wrote a scathing letter to season ticket holders, talking about the betrayal of their franchise sausage.

"This is a day that will forever be remembered as the day Milwaukee's biggest star turned his back on us all. I can not believe that our best player would just leave like this. Obviously, by the product that's out there on the field, no one is coming to see our guys play baseball. They are here to see sausages race. Children are going to be crying in the stands when they realize all they have to look at now is a Chorizo..."

Indeed, things don't bode well for the remaining sausage roster in Milwaukee. Aside from the aforementioned Chorizo they have a Hot Dog, Italian Sausage, and Bratwurst, all minimum salary players who the franchise brought in to surround and support the play of the Kielbasa. ESPN 2's Sausage Tonight took a look at the ramifications of the trade, and said this could be a move that hurts Milwaukee for years to come, as well as virtually assures they will not make the sausage playoffs anytime soon.

Heat president Pat Riley said that the signing gives them the last piece of their puzzle. 

"We had a point guard to run this team in Dwyane Wade, we had a shooter in LeBron James, and we had a big in Chris Bosh. Everyone knows the only other thing you need to win a championship in this league is a strong sausage to fill out your roster. This team just became 50% better, and 200% more delicious."

The Los Angeles Lakers' Beer Brat says Pat Riley's formula is obviously true, and he looks forward to facing Kielbasa in next year's NBA Finals.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Thursday, 15 July 2010 18:26

The NCAA announced today that the North Carolina Tar Heels football program is being put under review after it was realized that the Heels somehow had 8-5 record each of the past two seasons.

This discovery happened today when college officials were looking at the books from last season to decide early season schedules.

The schedule maker immediately phoned his boss, and asked if he remembered anything about North Carolina actually not sucking at football. His boss responded that he sort of remembered hearing that once or twice on ESPN, but because it wasn't February or March and it was North Carolina, he didn't really pay attention.

"Obviously there has been cheating of some kind," said the head of NCAA's investigations committee. "Schools like North Carolina just don't win football games. Look at Duke's recent records: 1-11, 4-8, 5-7. That is a school playing by the rules! 8-5 two years in a row? Bowl appearances? This thing stinks to high heaven!"

Some theories accounting for North Carolina's "success" include normal accusations like illegal recruiting or academic cheating to more outlandish theories like changing record books, time travel, and erasing everyone's memories with those Men in Black pens.

"We are not leaving any stone unturned on this investigation, I can promise you that!" said the spokesman. "We've already contacted Michael J. Fox to find out everything he knows about going back in time to help your sports team win games they aren't supposed to. We have also contacted the writers of Star Trek to see if wormholes might be involved. We have lots of theories, and I'm sure one of them is going to be proven true."

Time travel or wormhole violations have no precedent in college football, but it's believed these games could be forfeited until North Carolina has the three or four wins that everyone thinks they should have.

USC has contacted the NCAA to see if they could have some of those wins given back to them.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 04 May 2009 21:55

The Boston Celtics found themselves trailing by 18 points at the half of their most recent game against the Orlando Magic in the Eastern Conference Playoffs. But not to let the Magic claim a 3-1 lead in the series, the Celtics stayed on the court during halftime as Orlando headed to the locker room.

As a result, the Celts dominated halftime, scoring 21 unanswered points and taking a 3 point lead as the game resumed. The Orlando crowd booed heavily as they scored bucket after bucket without opposition and watched the Magic lead slip away.

"Well, I thought about taking them into the locker room and giving them an inspirational speech to get back into this thing," said head coach Doc Rivers. "But I said, maybe staying out here will be the best way to do that instead. Sure enough, it worked and we were able to come from behind and get a victory because of it."

The Magic said they will focus on their halftime play before the next game in Boston.

"Halftime has been our worst period for scoring this whole season," said Dwight Howard. "This still seems like cheating to me, but I guess we should have stayed out there on the court when we saw them continue playing even after the buzzer."

Big Baby Davis says he is confident his team can take down any other at the half.

"Look, do whatever you want in that locker room," he said. "Drink some Gatorade, say a prayer, get taped up. We'll be out here on the court dunking on your ass."

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Picture Of The Day

The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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