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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 02 March 2009 17:13

The Detroit Lions held a private workout yesterday with probably number one draft pick Matthew Stafford at their private practice facility in northern Michigan. They were said to be very impressed by the athleticism of the player out of Georgia, and were going to start negotiations immediately with his agent. But, after realizing he was probably going to be taken by the Lions, or at best the Rams, Stafford is said to now be considering taking a few years off before finding a job.

"Hey man," said Stafford in an interview. "I'm just not sure what I want to do with my life yet. I just graduated college, that doesn't mean I have to go out and get a job right away. Sure, it's a decent offer. $25 million a year, never have to worry about money again, blah, blah, blah. But the Lions? I don't know about that."

"My parents have made an intriguing counter offer of a futon in their basement, pizza a couple times a week, and the ability to borrow dad's car on the weekends. I am considering it with my agent as we speak."

"But," he continued. "I really think I just need to move back home for a little bit. There are so many busts in the NFL, I don't know if I want to be just another name on the list with Ryan Leaf. Maybe I'll get a part-time position at a coffee house, try to get people to listen to my self-made emo music on MySpace, and argue with my folks constantly about how I'm doing nothing with my life. That sounds like a much more interesting future than a career with the Lions." Add a comment
Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 28 January 2009 15:39

"I think something might be going on, something crazy," said Darren Carlisle, in a phone call to police earlier today. "Have you ever seen M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening? I think that might be happening this Sunday! For some reason, all my male friends do not want to do anything with me on Sunday, they all for some reason have plans or are going to parties. I am the one who usually knows about all the parties! And no one has invited me to a single one! Something Happeningish is going on, and I think I am Mark Wahlberg!"

Indeed, the South Beach, Florida resident has had an extremely hard time finding any guys to hang out with this coming Super Bowl Sunday due to his complete lack of sports knowledge. He tried inviting Jake and Tommy over for a late afternoon Brunch, but they said they had to get ready for a party of their own. He then became more desperate and attempted to organize a game of croquet or a trip to the mall to shop for slacks, but both ideas fell through due to lack of interest.

Darren became so desperate in fact, that he paid us to write this news article sending out the word for people he can hang out with on Sunday. He says that he brings a lot of positives to a hangout. He brings a hot new pair of shoes he just bought this week, he brings a bubbly sense of humor, and he is very skilled in both scrapbooking and baking. Hanging out will always result in either a great photo album or possibly a pie.

"Look, I am the one who knows where the hottest parties are happening around town first! My friends want to abandon me for some mystery event on Sunday, they can be my guest. I obviously have lots of other people I can hang out with, that's why I am paying this website to help me find them..."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 08 June 2009 20:57

The ESPN Sports Score Ticker held a press conference today to announce that it had signed a new deal with CNN to become their new ticker. This follows the new last week that CNN's longtime ticker would be leaving the business after 22 years to retire to his ranch in Texas.

For fans of the ESPN Ticker, the announcement was bittersweet. They have relied on the ticker for years to give them the sports news they need while pretending to be actually listening to their wives talk about their day.

"I've always wanted to cover serious news," said the ESPN Ticker to his many adoring fans. "This allows me to finally live that dream of scrolling presidential news and information about which American car companies have gone bankrupt today. I'm very excited for this opportunity."

His final day will be this coming Saturday, and he promises an extra special scroll for his last broadcast. He may go with a sans-serif font, and give some really obscure fantasy baseball statistics for the hardcore ticker fans. He will be missed all around the country. ESPN has yet to name a replacement.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Saturday, 06 June 2009 10:05

It's great when you see good teamwork out there on the basketball floor. Nowhere was it more apparent than during the end to Sunday's regulation time when Courtney Lee missed an alley oop layup with a chance to win the game. Referee Tim Bixon was under the basket, ready to whistle a shooting foul, but then he saw Pau Gasol help him out on the call by waving his arms and shouting "No foul!".

"Wow, that guy was just really nice," said Bixon. "He could have not done anything, or even lied. But he helped me make an important call there that ultimately decided the game. What a swell person! I was probably even going to blow that whistle, but luckily he was there to tell me how it really was."

To that fact, Gasol has been training to be a basketball referee in the offseason.

"I've noticed the officiating in this league could really use an overhaul," he said after the game. "They tend to call way too many fouls on me, and not enough when I get touched. That is why I'm learning to just make my own calls out there. I think the league will allow it, as long as I get certified and everything. Why would a certified ref ever lie?"

He has been doing his part this season to make sure the refs know what every call should be, yelling and screaming at them that he did not make contact during every shooting foul called against LA. He also is quick to remind them who last touched the ball when it goes out of bounds, which 94% of the time happens to be the other team, something he says is a known statistic.

They are very appreciative of his help in calling the games, and believe he will be key if the Lakers have any chance of sweeping the Magic in 4 games this series.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Thursday, 05 March 2009 13:39

Ratings for this morning's 4:00 AM World Baseball Classic opening game between China and Japan were released late in the day, and they were not nearly as good as hoped. The game struggled mightily with a .3 rating, which many experts point to as further evidence of middle of the night Asian baseball's decline in popularity.

MLB commissioner Bud Selig blames the poor showing on the fact that there was an amazing dream playing at the same time in the heads of many baseball fans.

"Some guys just won't pick watching baseball over watching a sex dream featuring a winged Angelina Jolie and a talking purple salamander," said Selig in an interview with Sports Illustrated. "That's tough counter programming for any show out there."

ESPN says the low ratings for the WBC may lead to them cancelling their 4:00 AM program to renew the show that previously held the timeslot, Shamwow infomercials. Fans of Shamwow and Magic Jack have started an online campaign to get the shows back on the air after they were pre-empted this week for baseball. They are anxious to see what types of liquid are being absorbed this week, by a guy with a New Jersey accent and a Britney Spears performance headset.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 23 February 2009 17:12

When Michael Crabtree showed up at the Combine to get measured, he checked in at 2 full inches under his listed 6' 3" at Texas Tech. Scouts were somewhat stunned at such a gross mismeasurement. But the most amazing shocker of the Combine came when linebacker Beezleknees Gum Gum measured over 3 feet smaller than his listed 6' 5" at Emerald City College, completely scrambling everyone's draft boards.

While Gum Gum had been a dominant force in Divison VII college football, the division for literature and fairy tale characters, some say he may struggle at the next level. He led Emerald City in tackles, interceptions, and sacks, as they went on to triumph over the Narnia Fairies in the Division VII championship game. He is somewhat of a legend on campus, after he made a stunning interception return for a touchdown that helped upset the Hogwarts Wizards in the semi-finals, a matchup that oddsmakers expected them to lose handily.

But in standing Beezleknees next to the other Combine athletes, it seems like it might be very hard to compete for the 3 foot kid from Munchkin Land. He ran a 8.5 40-yard dash, a very good time for someone with legs half the size of a normal human. Plus, he showed some resolve when he attempted to tackle Florida runningback Percy Harvin. He wasn't able to actually bring him down, but he latched onto his right thigh and held on all the way to the endzone on a 72-yard touchdown, something a lesser munchkin would never be able to do.

Scouts aren't sure where he will go now in the draft, as he was projected to be an early 3rd rounder based on his performance on tape. But now that he has turned out to be smaller, some are saying he might not be drafted at all, as he is too easy to confuse with the football itself. Others say his ability to use magic might make up for his physical deficiencies.

Gum Gum is the son of a wealthy mother from the Lollipop Guild and a hardworking father who made fudge-covered cookies in an oak tree. If he is drafted, he would be the first munchkin to ever be taken on draft day. Right now, it appears he will be the only Division VII player taken, although the Falcons are very high on a speedy runningback centaur out of Fantasia State. Add a comment
Written by Tim Hoffman Thursday, 29 January 2009 09:51

Late last week, a small scandal broke out when PETA announced that their Super Bowl ad featuring a woman rubbing vegetables on herself while wearing a bikini was declared too racy for broadcast. But it is only now coming to light that yet another ad was also deemed too extreme for the air, and the Husband's Blowjob Alliance says their cancelled ad was perfectly acceptable.

The 30 second spot featured testimonials by a good-looking middle aged woman talking about how fun it was to give her husband a blowjob. She told of the surprising fact that blowjobs can even help with improved dental health, while at the bottom of the screen white letters warned that "These statements have not been approved by a doctor or the FDA". She then said that starting a daily blowjob diet now could result in increased jewelry, flowers, and spending money on Valentine's Day or Mother's Day coming up soon.

She finally gave one last mention that it's not too late to remind your husband why he gave you that ring in the first place. And if they call 1-800-BJS4-MEN they can request an informative brochure be mailed to their house that has instructions for all the things today's man likes with his blowjob. It has chapters such as licking, twisting, and working the taint, along with fun blowjob recipes like the Peanut Butter Fudge Sundae or the San Francisco Hot Wing.

"This was perhaps the most important ad to air during the Super Bowl," said HBJA President Sal Chambers, "In these hard times and tough economy, it is absolutely essential that wives do their part. Recent studies indicate that marital blowjobs are at a 20-year low, and only going to get worse. We need the women of this country to step up, as many history books will tell you it was blowjobs that got us through the Great Depression. Men motivated again to get out there and do some work, that's what we need again.

"We're not asking for a lot, but our slogan for the ad and for 2009 is "Please, just once a month, bad things are happening and stuff". It's a little wordy and loses focus at the end, but it's been a lot better received than 2008's "Put something in your mouth other than food for once". We urge all women who want more information to consult with their husband about their many blowjob options, we have all kinds of plans to fit your unique needs."

While the ad may never make it to air, the HBJA hope that the controversy surrounding its denial will help to spread awareness of their cause.

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Written by Matt Webb Monday, 12 July 2010 13:53

2010’s version of the World Cup is now complete and the club from Spain outlasted the Netherlands and all other contenders to hoist the trophy for the first time in their country’s history. The tournament that was marked by a breathtaking display of professional flopping and feigned injuries not seen since. . .well since the 2006 World Cup, and the final match, resulting in Spain’s 1-0, victory was the perfect culmination of an entire month of staged pratfalls and exaggerated pain that soccer fans had grown accustomed to over the years.

Following their victory, the Spanish team took to the stage to accept their trophy. They appeared, to those who didn’t know any better, to be sincerely overcome with joy as manufactured tears streamed down their cheeks.

Spain’s coach Vicente del Bosque Gonzalez took to the microphone to accept the trophy and congratulate his team on their performance.  “Never have I been more proud of a group of grown men who fall straight to the ground at the slightest hint of contact and who then flail around like they have just severed an appendage.  These guys are the best in the world.  But I must give credit to the Dutch team as well, they played a great match and put on a great show.  I know if I weren’t a professional coach who understands the art of flopping, I might have believed that a few of their players were truly injured and in incredible pain.”

The player of the game had to be Spanish midfielder Andrés Iniesta, who not only scored the winning goal, but flopped a game leading 9 times. It was announced shortly before the award ceremony that not only did he win the MVP award, but also was nominated for a Primetime Emmy in the United States for best leading actor in a flop.

“This is a big moment for me,” said Iniesta, sporting a huge, unbelievable smile. “I have prepared for this celebration my whole life, starting from the time I was a little boy pretending to fall and roll around in pain whenever a girl pushed me.  All my years of overreacting has led me to this.  I couldn’t even lie on my pillow and pretend to sleep last night, I just kept standing in front of the mirror practicing my excited faces, and now its finally paid off.”

"I also want to thank those in America for the Primetime Emmy nomination. To be put up against the likes of Jay Mohr for his awful sitcom Gary Unmarried, I have never seen a show flop so hard. It really fills me with pride."

When questioned regarding the authenticity of the tears welling up in his eyes, the star confirmed they were indeed staged, but added “Crying on cue isn’t easy. Most people think you can just grab a diced onion or some mined garlic, but those items aren’t readily available on a soccer pitch. But I learned that if you reach into your shorts and rip out a handful of pubes while no one is looking, it makes the tears flow much easier.”

After the seemingly heartfelt words of their coach and star player, the Spanish team left the podium at which time their smiles faded and their tears of joy immediately dried up.

 

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Written by Tim Hoffman Friday, 09 July 2010 18:08

"LeBron, we're coming too," began a second letter from Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert. Only hours after he sent a scathing personal letter to fans of the Cavs and media outlets, telling LeBron James how he let down the organization and his home, Gilbert announced the entire city has had a change of heart and will be relocating with him to Miami.


"I'm sorry about what I said earlier! You are so right, this place is a stinking cesspool of filth! We don't want to be here either," he continued. "Today we had a big talk today in the center of the city, all 2,250,871 of us, and we agree that it's time we moved on. This land in Northern Ohio has been good to us, but we can do bigger and better things in South Florida. I hear they have women down there that wear bikinis all year long! And they have women who aren't from Ohio, and hence one would actually want to see in a bikini!"

The residents of Cleveland seem to be genuinely excited about the move. Many began packing up the skyscrapers today, to begin transporting them all the way down to Miami. They are looking forward to the beaches, the latin food, and the lack of state taxes. Highways from Ohio to Florida are expected to be jammed in the coming months, as they hope to all arrive before the season begins.

"We're brining everyone; poor people, rich people, all our stadiums, we're just gonna transplant it all down there, set it up right in the middle of town, and watch our new Miami Heat win multiple NBA championships with the best trio ever assembled in LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh."

It's unknown at this point what will happen to the Cavaliers, who now find themselves without a superstar, without an owner, without any fans, and even without a city to call home.

"Well, we'll probably just play on one of the many abandoned streets after they move all the buildings and infrastructure down the Miami," said new coach Byron Scott. "I'm gonna be honest...not so happy I took this job in retrospect... I currently have eight guys on my roster, and we're going to be playing in an empty field or street next year."

Miami has already put up two big billboards, one saying welcome to LeBron James, and the other saying welcome to the two million residents of Cleveland who will be joining them soon. The mayor of Miami said he believes that with the residents of Cleveland and Miami joining forces, they can put together a championship city.

 

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 06 April 2009 15:35

2009 brought a whole new feeling to the fans of the Colorado Rockies, a feeling of hope in the future of this franchise. After a dismal 2008 campaign, some key offseason moves had their fans feeling like this might finally be the year the team takes home a World Series title.

"It's a new season, and anything could happen!" said longtime fan Billy Gilbert. "It's a clean slate, all the records are the same. I'm ready for a possibly great season!"

But the Rockies wanted to make sure fans didn't set their sights too high for this year. And that fresh optimism lasted exactly one batter, as ace Aaron Cook gave up a leadoff homerun to the Arizona Diamondbacks Felipe Lopez.

"People had really set some lofty expectations for this team," said manager Clint Hurdle. "I wanted to make sure we showed them what kind of year it's going to be, right from the first man. I told Aaron to hang a fastball up in the zone, and let Lopez crush these silly dreams before they get out of hand. The last thing we want for the team this year is expectations, because I put this awful club together, and there is no way we are going to meet them.

"It's a tough economy out there. I want to be sure no one does something stupid like waste their money on season tickets or something. We of course lost this game after giving up 5 homeruns and 9 runs total. That is the kind of season this is going to be. I've set the tone so that there is no misunderstanding things. It was fun to think maybe this will be the year, during the offseason. But now it's begun, and with only 161 games to go, let's just admit that the dream is over. But hey, there's always next year."

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Picture Of The Day


The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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